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Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
Maria highlights stories of people that have been the "less than 1% chance" and have come out of their situations thriving and seeing life as happening FOR them and not TO them! Inspiring and empowering stories that will show you that against all odds you can make it through anything!
Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
Healing Before Relationships: Derrick Jones on Overcoming Trauma and Finding Purpose
Can childhood wounds and societal expectations shape our ability to connect with others? Join us for an enlightening conversation with Derrick Jones, a certified relationship and self-healing coach, mental health advocate, and NASA engineer, who reveals how unresolved trauma can sabotage our relationships. Derrick's unique approach transforms traditional coaching into an empowering journey of self-healing. In this episode, he shares how his analytical skills helped him develop the transformative Relationship Gumbo workshops, designed to address the deeply rooted emotional issues that often hinder personal growth.
Navigate the intricacies of relationships with Derrick as we explore how emotional trauma and fear can push individuals into unhealthy connections. We uncover the significance of understanding oneself and how societal and parental influences shape our identities. Through engaging anecdotes, we emphasize the necessity of self-awareness before seeking a partner. Derrick sheds light on the importance of personal healing, offering valuable insights and practical advice that can shift perspectives and foster healthier choices in relationships.
Discover the power of clear communication and mutual understanding in maintaining harmony, especially when previous experiences such as divorces and children come into play. Derrick shares personal stories and professional insights on the impact of balancing household responsibilities and addressing hormonal imbalances for relationship stability. Gain inspiration from Derrick's resilience and purpose, as he encourages us to break unhealthy cycles and become the person we wish to attract. This episode is a testament to the strength of healing past pain and finding purpose against all odds.
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Website: www.relationshipgumbo.info
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Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than 1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte, where we will hear stories of incredible people thriving against all odds, and my hope is that we can all see how life is always happening for us, even when we are the Less Than 1% Chance.
Speaker 2:Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the Less Than 1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte. I am so pumped for you guys to just get all of the goodness today that we are getting from our guest. His name is Derek Jones. He is a certified relationship and self-healing coach. He's a mental health advocate, which you know very well that I am as well, and he's a NASA engineer. Like how cool and so complete opposite things right there.
Speaker 2:The Relationship Gumbo brand is a coaching platform that focuses on helping you find the ingredients to become the better version of you during your dating and relationship journey I could attest to that myself because I went through that and relationship journey.
Speaker 2:I could attest to that myself because I went through that, and so I love that this is what you coach on, because I think that so many people need that. So Coach Derek has chosen to use his decades of analytical skills, strategy and troubleshooting ability to apply similar techniques to map out some of the mysteries of human behavior in a unique way that is understandable to all the learning levels, utilizing comprehensive healing first approach to relationships, and Coach Derek starts all approaches from the foundation and builds you up with the secondary focus on building the community. And then Coach Derek believes that the emphasis should begin with you, which I agree with 100%, and let that affect not just yourself but the environment around you, which always helps you bring in the good people that you need in your life, or the lessons that we need as well. So welcome, so so happy to have you here.
Speaker 2:I am like I'm here to hear all of the goodness because, again, after my divorce, I went through my own learning journey. I was with somebody afterwards for a good amount of years and then I was single for a long time and everyone kept asking me, like, how is it that you're not together with somebody? Or why are you single? And I'm like because I'm doing me when the person's right, it's because I am right, so let me just do me. And so I love that. This is what you teach, because I agree the healing comes first inside and you will only attract what you heal from. So tell me a little bit more about you and what made you focus this platform primarily on healing before relationships.
Speaker 3:So I started doing this what would traditionally be relationship coaching I don't know, maybe six years ago, seriously, 10 years ago, unofficially, like helping out my friends, and then traditionally, relationship coaches are teaching you how to communicate better, maybe how to date better and these types of things. And it was cool for a while, but what I realized is I gave these people all of this information on how to date better, where to go to meet better people and all of these things that you learn. But I realized that they would take the information and then they will revert back to their regular patterns and I'm like you got the notes, you went to the workshop and you still keep doing the same things. And it kept happening so much. And it was like, yeah, thank you for paying for the course, but if it's not transforming, it doesn't really make sense. I love money, but I don't want you to pay me and you're not even going to do it.
Speaker 3:So I started looking at what they were doing and I started realizing that this went a lot deeper than just relationships. And so that's when I started looking at trauma and childhood wounds and these type of things and I was like so if somebody has, let's say, an abandonment issue. It doesn't matter what I teach them about what questions to ask in a dating table at a restaurant, they're still going to keep chasing a person to cling on. And I was like who's teaching this? We'll tell people heal first, and then we throw them away, or we tell them how to do other things. And I was like there's a gap there and I'm looking online relationship coaching and healing.
Speaker 3:You can find a lot of healing people. You can find a lot of relationship people and I'm not saying that there's no one out there, but it was hard for me to find. So I was like let me take this on because it's disingenuous now. Now, once I realized this, it was hard for me to go back to say that they're like. They're always say things like ask me the questions to ask on a date, so I'll know that the person is whether they're lying or not, and I'm like that's impossible, number one. But furthermore, if, now that I know that this trauma and these wounds and it healing stuff is in in the back of their psyche, I want to focus there yeah, and when we know better, we do better yeah.
Speaker 3:So I started focusing there and I started creating workshops around it. People would ask me the questions and I'm like, no, I'm not giving it to you until we know where you're at. We're not going to do any of that. Some people get upset because they just want the little theaid and I'm like, yeah, I want you to transform, I want you to evolve. So once I started doing that and people came into that kind of sphere, then real change started to happen and the testimony started coming through and they're like I'm different now and I don't date this and I was like like there's something to this.
Speaker 3:So that's when I started that this was last year and I said I know I'm going to market myself as a relationship and then I got certified in self-healing, which is like all of the different things like breath work, and so I'm integrating all of this stuff in. I still do the relationship stuff, but we can't.
Speaker 2:I can't give you secondary.
Speaker 3:I can't do it, I can't do it. So I'm happy about that. I focused everything. Now I would say 90% of what I do is healing first, and then we can go into all of that, because I got tactics for you what to do when you go outside all day. I can do that in my sleep. But this healing thing it's hard and some people I have to refer to therapy if it goes too deep yeah for the most of us, it's just little shifts that we have to make.
Speaker 3:But if we don't have the information which most of us, we were never taught how to heal from a breakup, we were never taught oh, believe me, I have again.
Speaker 2:I have a 15 year old and, goodness man, I see it and I know that when she hears me speak, it's yeah, mom, whatever. But I feel like the things that I repeatedly say, little by little, I hear like my 20 year old. Sometimes I hear her give her friends advice and things that I've said and so, even if she didn't implement it in that moment and but I continued to like tell her hey, no one is going to make you happy, you have to be happy. And then they can add to things like that, simple things like that. And I look at some of the songs that there's some really catchy songs that are like these breakup songs and it's I can't be myself when I'm not with you and I'm like whoa.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I told my daughter that the other day. I'm like it's a really good song, it's catchy. However, that is messing with you, psychologically messing with you, because if you can't be you without the person, we need a lot of work. Yeah, yeah, so it's just oh yeah yeah, I totally, I'm like yes, I'm all about that.
Speaker 3:That's why, in the little intro I always put community, because even as parents, I always tell people you're the model for your kids, even when they're 30. If they see that you are a more healed version of yourself, even if they don't say it, they absorb it. They're still watching you. So even I have clients that are like 60 and I'm like when you start to heal and you start to change, the people around you are going to notice and somebody out of that group may be inspired to change too. And that's when the community starts to change a little bit, just exponentially. Like people want to tackle everything when they need to start with them and then, like your kids will see you, they'll see a different version of you. To start with them and then, like your kids will see you, they'll see a different version of you. This is why I tell people, if you stay in a relationship that's toxic, your kids are watching you. Don't think you got the door closed while you're arguing. They can absorb all of it.
Speaker 2:So a little bit on that. I started with my ex-husband when I was 17. So I was super young and we got married when I was 19. And immediately I was told that I couldn't have kids. And so we started to try to have kids. Immediately I was on fertility treatments. Everything happened really quick. At the end of the day, I have three kids. I was on treatment for the first one and then the other two came very unexpected and by the time I was 25, I had three kids under five. And that's when I'm fully maturing. At that point right, that's when that animal brain, that's when that starts to fully mature and I saw myself changing and evolving and it was like we were evolving this way completely. And we didn't have a bad relationship. He is still a kind person, we still have a great co-parenting relationship.
Speaker 2:But I wasn't happy. I come from a very religious background Hispanic, very Catholic. My parents were together for 50 years plus, so it was just like unheard of that, I am just not happy anymore. So I'm going to peace out and I was like but my kids deserve to know what happiness looks like and if I'm not the model of that, then I don't feel like I'm doing them any good, or myself, and that was like so foreign, so foreign.
Speaker 2:But I feel like I'm the model, I'm the one that they're going to see, and I definitely was the single mom that always put them first and I ended up sick with cancer. But when I learned to put my oxygen mask on first and that it was me before them, because if I wasn't OK, I wasn't going to be here for them, right, and I started healing my own wounds because I have many of those that I've overcome and I truly feel that life happens for you and not to you. But I learned that way later in life, yeah, and so I feel like maybe they don't see it right now, or maybe I don't see that they see it right now, but for the last eight and a half years they've seen mom working out, eating right, drinking water, telling them that this is the healthy lifestyle, working on myself. I'll go and meditate. They see me.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Speaker 2:And I feel like one day they'll be like oh yeah, so this is normal and I'm a healthy human because my mom learned this while. I was growing up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it means a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's so crazy and I truly believe that if we don't model that, how are they ever going to really learn until they're older and go through chaos.
Speaker 3:We don't think about it, but it means a lot and sometimes we go up most of our lives before we figure it out.
Speaker 3:But I always tell people it's never too late, as long as you breathe in you can change, you can transform, you can evolve into something better, and it may take some time, but if you don't start, you're going to keep doing. You're going to keep doing it Like. I spend a lot of my life traumatized from relationships and I was out there picking people from that lens for a long time and I did not care about finding alignment with people, I just needed to attach. I always teach about attachment versus alignment. Alignment takes questions and watching behaviors.
Speaker 3:But if you're just trying to attach, you just want to feel good, because you don't want to have to worry about the stuff you're dealing with. So you just go out and as long as they're cute enough, as long as they're whatever, then it fits the bill. And then you just go in head first and then you end up hurt again and then, when you're by yourself, then you got to go ahead and hurry up and find another one and there's no healing in that. So that's what I, that's the path that I'm trying to champion. I'm like you don't have to keep going, dude. You got to sit still. If you can't sit still but some people can't sit still for a week they need somebody right now.
Speaker 2:And I see this in my own daughter. She's 15 and boy crazy, and so she's talking to this boy for a month and she's whoa, it's a celebration, yay, great for you. I know that it's time perception is so different, but, goodness, I was alone for years and it's okay to be alone. You're awesome just the way you are, and so I really try to enforce it, or at least model it so that they know. But yeah, I love that you incorporate that. What do you think limits most people from pursuing a healthy relationship?
Speaker 3:This more evolved version of myself, I would say that what hinders most people from pursuing a healthy relationship is probably their trauma, their pain, and again, that's why I focused on it, because I was like the patterns come from the pain. Yeah, like people don't realize and I and this is where the engineer brain kicks in. If you pay attention to the behavior in the relationships, there's always a pattern through them. All that lead back to an origin story that normally comes from your childhood. And a lot of times when people get into situations where they're hurt, then they have a fear to get into another one, but they also have a need to connect. And when you put that fear and the need to connect, sometimes that subconscious part of you, that inner child, is but we need to hurry up so we don't feel lonely.
Speaker 3:Healthy relationships don't stem from that. Some people win the lottery and they end up being together for, but we don't know what's going on behind the scenes either. So I think most people don't pursue healthy relationships because they're out here just trying to feel good. They don't want to have to worry about the pain anymore, so they're willing to take more pain just to say they have someone.
Speaker 3:Your search for that, even in the pain. It's because it's familiar to you. Yep, so that's why I'm like okay, so we're not going to talk about dating, we're going to talk about what happened. Like I, the way that I parse people out is I'll tell them it's not about who you were in the relationship all the time, it's who you were before you met the person. Yeah, what was your emotional state then? That then created an environment where you picked a person to fit that because you didn't work on it. So now you have to find people to work around it and you say things like this is just who I am, I'm just a mean person, or I'm just a this, and I'm like you don't have to be that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and they'll blame it on their horoscope sign or whatever, and I'm like no, this childhood trauma in there.
Speaker 3:There's a reason why I think a lot of people limit themselves because they don't know themselves. A lot of us we don't know ourselves because we became what our parents wanted us to be and so we became functionally what society thought was OK, and we really don't even know who we are on the inside. We're pretending that we have kids and now we got to be a parent, we got to put the parent label on and we got to do this and show up this way, and a lot of us are like five different people. We show up one way at work, one way with our parents, and if you're living most of your life like that and you don't even know who you are at the core, how could you ever find someone to partner with to tackle it to the real you? They're going to tackle it to whichever one of those flavors that you're putting out there, and then you get into the relationship and you're miserable because they don't know the real you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's weird, but it happens a lot.
Speaker 2:Believe me, I believe it so much. I went through a lot of that.
Speaker 1:I feel like gosh you touched on a lot of good stuff I definitely agree.
Speaker 2:I feel like a lot of even my own traumas stem from in utero. I was a twin and my mom had a miscarriage and I stayed.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 2:And so I feel like that separation of. I've always felt like someone is missing and that gets me all emotional and I've worked on that part of me that just feels like there's something missing here. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:However, I feel like I've gotten to know myself so much better and I remember when I and this was a long time ago now, but when I first divorced there was things that I was like who am I now? I don't even know who I am, I just know me as the wife and the mom and the career woman and the daughter and the sister. I know me as that. But what do I like? And I learned that I loved to sit down with a glass of wine and watch a basketball game by myself and I was like, oh, I like basketball and got really into it for a long time. I don't watch it now anymore, not as much like I, but it's. It was like just getting to know me again. What kind of books do I like, do I enjoy?
Speaker 2:I learned that I liked public speaking and I learned that just things that I was just like, who is Maria, right, yeah, and then, and so I love that's what you dig into, because so many people just don't want to, not that they don't want to do their work, they don't know that deep work, yeah, even exist, because they've lived just like their whole life in this. I was a student athlete or I was like whatever label was put on and I really like the label of Maria, and so how am I going to attach myself to that, like how?
Speaker 3:am.
Speaker 2:I going to understand who that is, and I think that's the important work, but the really really hard work too, because you have to open up a lot of like things that don't feel as comfortable.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's the thing. I know that work is difficult, but I always tell them now that you have a coach, you don't have to do it by yourself, right? And for a lot of people that's enough to make them feel safe to start, and a lot of people just will never do it, right, some people are just so afraid of it. In that in itself, I realized that I can't help everybody, but the ones that are willing to listen, the ones that are willing to do the work they've had, I've had a hundred percent success rate because I don't leave them hanging.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and so as long as they're yeah, as long as they're committed to doing the things that I teach them. They go outside and their vision is different. And I say I always tell them I don't guarantee you that you're going to find your person, but I guarantee that you'll be a better person, that you'll make better choices, because you have a different eye. The healed eye is different than the traumatic eye. If you're going outside with a healed eye, all the stuff that thought you wanted it's, sometimes it changes, sometimes your everything changes and when you start looking like that the stuff that isn't good for you you're like oh, I see you early, let's get out of here.
Speaker 3:There's no emotional attachment. This is why I try to train them. You can meet a whole bunch of bad people as long as you don't stay there. It doesn't matter who they are, because you're not hurt and now you feel okay to go back out and date again. So I teach them how to see it coming sometimes and I give them different tips and tricks, because I wasn't always the fine, upstanding gentleman I am now. So I feel like I created some of the tricks at some point. So I teach them how to see things in people that those people don't even realize that they're giving off. It's like the same thing that and I hate to say it the same thing that I saw in the people that I was trying to manipulate. I teach them how to see that in people before it comes. And most people that pray on you or that want to manipulate you, most of them have only one goal and that is to get you emotionally attached as soon as possible so you don't see the red flags yeah so if you know that's their goal, then the only defense against that is having boundaries that you stand firm on yes
Speaker 3:they count on you not to have them because they're only going to look for people like them who are broken. They know it's an easy path in, so if most of you are broken or traumatized and you have no boundaries and you just want to go outside and meet people, they're always going to find you. So your story is going to be like every person that I meet is horrible. And yeah, they're going to be, because you keep letting them in your house or you keep oh my.
Speaker 2:God I need you in my pocket when I'm talking to my kids.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, it sucks that we have this need, that we have, that we don't have the skill set and the tools to be able to go outside and healthily date, because there are good people out here. We just stay too long with the ones that bind to our trauma, so we sit there and that's. This is the thing I always tell people. A trauma bond feels amazing. That's the trick. It feels amazing because you feel like you. You found your kindred spirit.
Speaker 3:But they're just attaching to me yeah and a lot of people their boundaries drop after the first convert. Like you'll be on the phone for four hours. Oh my god, I feel like I've known you all my life. That's enough for you to drop everything and trust a person and I'm like it's still a stranger yeah, you're still in getting to know phase yeah yeah, I know I keep coming to this, but I'm literally like experiencing this with my 15 year old.
Speaker 2:And it's funny because if I would have experienced this with my 20 year old when she was 15, I was a different parent. I've evolved greatly and I'm very proud of the evolvement that I've done. However, so with my 15 year old now, she was dating someone long distance right. Basically they had never met. They're only 15. Like they had never met.
Speaker 2:He was like three and a half hours away, but it was like this attachment and I know that she was the youngest when we got divorced, so she definitely has like that abandonment from the father figure. So I know that's something that she experiences, but I have to see it from far away and not mention it because it's a sensitive subject. And so it's funny because she was dating this kid and she got caught with her phone later than what she has to turn it in and so, like all that happened. So I, and then she finds an old phone and starts turning in her phone at this at the right time and using this old phone to continue to talk to him. And I found the phone and she was sleeping, so I started going through it and I started seeing they had just celebrated their one month and I was going scrolling through because I feel like if you left the phone open, I you're in my house, I have the ability to go in there. And so I did. And I saw this conversation on Snapchat or whatever they he like love bombed.
Speaker 2:I have the perfect girlfriend. I love her so much. She's amazing.
Speaker 2:This whole huge paragraph on a bunch of pictures and, and so when she posted hers, it was lovey-dovey, it wasn't as long, and so it was all these, this love bombing. And then, all of a sudden, when he was like is that it? Is that all you're doing? That's not enough, and I'm like he's gaslighting her. Oh my god, red flag, oh my god. One moment you're amazing and incredible, and then the next moment, you're not enough, you're not doing enough, are you kidding me?
Speaker 2:And so I had a conversation with her the next day, when I like, or in that morning, and I was like I'm not one to necessarily go and check all of your messages. However, this is something that you did wrong. Good and bad choices have good and bad consequences, in my opinion. And when you left the phone open and I saw those messages I'm not telling you whether you should stay with him or not, that is your decision, but I am here to make you very aware of the red flags that I see and that you may not be seeing. And then it's your choice to stay or to have a conversation with him yep but it's so crazy and I told her.
Speaker 2:I was like I don't have anything against this kid. I don't know how he was raised, I don't know what he's going through. So it's not necessarily that I think that he's maliciously doing this, but that is modeled behavior.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yep.
Speaker 2:And I want you to, now that you're aware of it, keep your eyes open and have a conversation. And again, I'm not telling you what to do, because I know from being a teenager, at one point I would do the exact opposite of what my mom told me. Right, just no. And I and she had therapy that same day and she came out of therapy and she's I need to have a conversation with him, mom, and I was like, ok, it was like one of those big win.
Speaker 2:Mom moments, I'm like, yes, you do need to have a conversation, but it's so true, we attach ourselves to this, like the people that are broken just like us, and then we don't understand why we get hurt by them.
Speaker 3:And it's so sad because maybe sometimes that person doesn't necessarily mean to be broken either right, but we don't see it, because it's such a like you understand me kind of scenario I've been there so many times and it feels strong, but it's such a weak connection, right like we put a lot of emphasis on I like them, I like how this feels, I like being around them, but there's no structure, there's no content in there, and that feeling then translates into I love them and once you get there, all of the other stuff that you were supposed to find out just goes away.
Speaker 2:It's gone, it's like those rose colored glasses, and there's people doing.
Speaker 3:There's people doing this in their 50s. They still there's. That little kid is still in there running your life. And then when I talk to these people it's almost like you're talking to a 15 year old and they're like 50, because that part of that emotional part of them hasn't grown up yeah and it keeps getting hurt and it keeps wanting to cling on this and I was like wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 3:No, if the person meets you, if they want to, to tell you that they're interested in you, if they disappear after a week, why are you calling and chasing them for they're interested in you. If they disappear after a week, why are you calling and chasing them? They're not interested and they're like but what if something happened? It doesn't matter, you don't know them. This is one of the biggest stances. I take Stranger danger. We learned this when we're kids.
Speaker 3:Why don't we do that in work? He's showing you that he doesn't care and it doesn't click. Because they want to attach to it so bad, because they feel like if they don't get this, then they may have to wait another two years to find another one. So let me just go ahead and make it fit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can't Like the like. It's the bad rap that dating has right now, because I've been with my boyfriend for five years now. We both came from a divorce. We like I have been divorced longer, but it was, it was all. It was both like really long, rough divorces, and we both have three kids, and so we're like the Puerto Rican Brady Bunch over here. But there's so much that I still even see his old experiences and how he kind of like retreats Even me, how I retreat, like how I process things. Sometimes I need to go, feel the things and then I can maybe come back and talk. Or when I feel like guilt or embarrassment for whatever reason, it's like I don't want to, like I don't even want to talk about it, and he's, but I need you to talk to me about things. And I was like, yeah, I understand, I just need to process it in my own brain so that I can be able to have a conversation. And but though it's so funny to be aware of these things, there it is.
Speaker 2:And that awareness is OK. At least I know that these things are happening. So I know, like when I go to therapy, what I need to work on. So I know, like when I go to therapy, what I need to work on yeah. It's so important because when we just feel like, no, everything I do is right, no, when you don't have the capacity of saying you know what, that was not a good move from my part and I want to let you know that. My bad, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:I am, if you know that, my bad. I'm sorry If we could only do this.
Speaker 2:if we could only do that one thing, so many relationships would be saved. Just know that. I'm now where I now see that was my bad, I maybe reacted the wrong way, or even with my kids, I feel like I showed them whoa. I haven't slept that good and I'm sorry that my reaction was elevated in a way that probably was uncalled for. My bad. Let's redo this. Have a conversation again.
Speaker 3:That's what I always tell people is two great people could destroy each other with bad communication skills. And a lot of times when we talk about people's attachment styles, and you'll always, a lot of times, have someone who's more anxious and you'll have another one who, when it gets hot, they need time to cool off or they need to detach from it, and these two people always end up together and if they don't know how to communicate, they will always clash heads. Because I'm anxious and I'm married to an avoided. So when we and I always tell people, the place where all a lot of your wounds show up is when you argue, you get triggered and you respond, and you get triggered and you respond.
Speaker 3:And if the other partner has their own set of stuff and these things clash, you're going to think that this person hates you. You're going to think that this person doesn't get you. They're not you. So the dialogue has to happen somewhere to have an understanding, because for me I was the one if we're arguing, we need to find the solution right now, and my wife is. I need time to get myself together before I can re-engage, but to an anxious person it feels like you're abandoning me, the person. That's the argument. So now I'm chasing after her, like where are you going? You don't want to finish it now. What's wrong? And she's you're making it worse.
Speaker 2:Just give me a moment.
Speaker 3:I need my time and it took me years to figure this out. And when I realized and I had to read up on it because I'm like, why is this happening? A lot of people who need to detach. It's not just them mentally needing to detach, sometimes it's their body, their physiological body. It's like the pressure needs to release. So once. I realized that it wasn't about me and I was like okay, so when I didn't chase her, the time she needed minimized.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:So I was like, but she also knew that she couldn't stay too long because then it would affect what I need. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:So then you meet in the middle and that right there is a very large population of people. You would think that these two types of people would never like get along and meet. But this is like most relationships. Even just learning that lesson in communication could change the trajectory of where your relationship is going. Because if I don't talk about how I feel when you leave, then I'm going to resent you over time. It's going to piss me off, and then I'm going to find a way to cope, and it might not be through you. That's how humans work. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, other people, I got to feel better.
Speaker 2:So that's why I always tell people that's the path that you don't want to go down. If you had a choice, do you think it's possible to flip to like? So I feel like in my marriage I was the one that like needed to have that conversation.
Speaker 2:I was the one that like needed to have that conversation, and I feel like a lot of our issues came from his avoidance. I was begging for communication and he was, yeah, yeah, things will change. And then three days later it went back and this was like over a period of time and at the same time and I didn't know this at the time, but I was having a lot of hormonal issues. He left the house December 1st and December 22nd. I was like in an emergency surgery, so I didn't know that this was all happening and that already is affecting things, but I was just like I can't do this anymore, and so that's where the unhappiness part came in, and now I feel like I've flipped. I need some time to process, and my boyfriend is more like let's talk about this, you need to talk to me, or when something's wrong, you need to say something.
Speaker 2:So, for example, a few weeks ago, I went to sleep angry and I am not an angry person.
Speaker 2:I'm this like bubbly totally glass, half full kind of personality.
Speaker 2:However, I'm always the first one to wake up I wake up at four o'clock in the morning and the last one to go to sleep and that day everyone went to their perspective rooms boyfriend, kids, everybody and I was left to clean up the kitchen, where everyone had been at some point, and I was just like this has been happening often and totally get it.
Speaker 2:I work from home, I understand, but I'm not like I'm not doing something. And so it became this like thing and so I went to bed angry that night, and the next day I went on a walk and I was just like, oh, frustrated and allowed myself to process those emotions and feel the things. And then that night, when all of them were in the same vicinity, I was like all right, we need to have a family meeting and I need you guys to understand that I'm exhausted, like I am the first one to wake up and the last one to go to bed, the one that drives everybody everywhere. I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm having post menopause issues already, so let's add on to already the exhaustion I can we have a talk about contributing to this household? Because what took me an hour and a half to clean up the kitchen and everything and the dishes and put away dishes and everything, could have taken all four of us like 20 minutes so did it change after the conversation a little bit?
Speaker 2:a little bit a little bit they're still teenagers yeah so I'm talking about, I'm talking about the big kid the big a little bit okay um, but I feel like I think they're more aware of things now, um, they're aware of cleaning at least, or he's aware of at least cleaning his own dishes, the ones that he touches um, which is helping, but not necessarily. What's my expectation?
Speaker 3:it takes time. It takes time to build a new habit, and so sometimes gentle reminders help. And the reason why I say this is because Sometimes we have blind spots, especially men, and I had to be sat down a couple of times because, yeah, if you handle it 90% of the time, or 95% of the time, and you don't complain, I'm thinking everything's cool. And then a lot of times the woman is saying he should get it, he should be able to see that I'm going through all this. Sometimes you got to sit down and sit us down like a toddler and say, look, I work too, you work too, but the stuff that's in here makes my load way bigger than yours. Help. And I was like, but in my infinite wisdom it didn't click until she sat me down. Because, men, we come home and we want to sit down.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, I know, Grab a beer or whatever, she would come home after me.
Speaker 3:So you just walk past the dishes. So you just walk, did you not? You were waiting for me to do it and I was like, no, no, I would Okay. And then it becomes a thing because now you don't care and I'm like I do care, I do, what do you do? And it was like pay attention to what I'm saying to you. I work too. I don't want to do the dishes. I don't want, I don't want to do it. I know it's a part of the duties, but I'm not a stay at home mom with no job. Yeah, we're both tired. And I was like ding, ding, ding. So even though in that moment I knew it still took me a while to make it like, okay, let me go ahead and handle this before she gets home, because it's just sitting here, it's to this day. I still have to, I still have to unlearn yeah, it's like it's gotta be a conscious effort.
Speaker 2:It takes a while yeah, no, yeah.
Speaker 3:When I do it, he does make it a point to say thank you, that affirmation of thank you for helping and whatever, so it makes me feel like I can do it again and it's okay, yeah it's a lot. We're conditioned to not do it. We're conditioned to what I tell people is men, we prioritize our mental health and our state of being over the task, and women prioritize the task and worry about self later.
Speaker 2:Yes, so it's like it's so funny because I always tell him what are you doing? I'm taking a break, a break from what? Yeah, let's just get the task done and let's go, which I definitely see how I could even even I could benefit from taking a break.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I do see and realize the beauty in that. However, it the house. If not, then the house is going to go in complete chaos and I'm going to be stuck with it, because I can't go to sleep when there's a mountain load of dishes on in the sink. And I've tried to become not so stringent because it then affects me and I'm like I'm not an angry person, I'm just not that way. That's not who I am. I'm like love your life, go, and that does not make me feel good.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's unfortunate that we don't like. We don't even realize that, like in communication, when we say you didn't do this, that it makes someone defensive as opposed to saying the house needs to be cleaned so it doesn't feel like an attack. But when we're pissed off about it, we're like you said you were gonna do and now they? Now they're like sounds like my mom, and then it doesn't become about cleaning up the house. My one mission now is to shut you up. Yep.
Speaker 3:And when my mission is to shut you up. This is when the man will say, all right, let me hurry up and do it to shut her up, but it's not a real habit. So then you're like he said he was going to do it and he didn't do it the last three times because it didn't register with him. All he heard was mommy chastising him. So he's letting her yep. And you know how kids do they'll sweep stuff under the bed and put stuff in the closet and say it's done, so you can be quiet, so I can go ahead and chill. Men do this too. And so you're like what you said you were going to change and it's no, I was just trying to shut you up. But she won't hear those words come out because that's the pressure.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You don't have the language a lot of times because we weren't taught how to regulate emotions. So if I tell you I'm taking a break, I'm really saying I'm stressed or I'm dealing with whatever. We don't know to tell you that because we think it makes us sound weak. So all you see is me sitting and so you're like. But I've learned in my own personal life that tapping into what those needing to chill moments and giving it a name helps her understand how she can help and kind of balance the load. And so if she's feeling a way, she tells me and I can fill it in the gaps. If I'm saying hey, baby, I know I was supposed to do this today, but work today, my brain is fraught, I need a minute, and she'll say, ok, no problem, I got you, just chill, get some water, but when you're finished we're going to take your time as opposed to no, we got to get this done. You said you were going to do get this done. You said you were going to do that's going to make them shut down, yeah, and you want them to be able. You want them to be able to share even something.
Speaker 3:I'm tired could mean 20 different things, so you have to pay attention to the behavior. It could mean I'm stressed out, I'm depressed, it could mean a lot of things and that's just the cue to say I'm going to allow you the space and I'm listening to you and I'm here if you need me, and back off, instead of saying, but you're sitting, you said it's been 30 minutes, and now he's okay, I'll do it. And then you're like okay, it got done. And then the next time, if you're going to forget, because it's not a habit and so you're going to be like what's wrong with you? And now the attack comes on the second time. Now I'm driving home and I'm like let me hurry up and do the dishes, because she's going to, she's going to bother me again.
Speaker 2:A person like that.
Speaker 3:It's not going to be a habit. They don't care about that.
Speaker 2:And then it feels like it's not a good experience. Nobody likes it, man or?
Speaker 3:woman doesn't like to feel like that, but a lot of times, because men don't have the language or we don't want to express that vulnerability, you have to guess and you guessing is frustrating. So then your frustration is going to come out and he's going to be like wait I already have to get teenager brain.
Speaker 2:It's so hard to guess yeah yeah, 30 something year old brain, yeah, I feel. Another thing that like came to mind is just like expectations, because us humans have these expectations and I try to teach, even again, my kids about this. When I first got divorced, I had these expectations of my ex-husband to be present, like I was, and, oh my, I would get so frustrated and so pissed because he wasn't showing up the way I thought he should be. He was there every other weekend and every other week in the summer, like he was very, very good at following the plan, and when I took a moment to think back and realize that how I grew up with both parents together, his dad wasn't there, so he already exceeded expectations of what a good father would be.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that made me look at things so differently and just appreciate again. My kids are used to me there all the time, so this is something that even I had to explain to my youngest, especially because, again, she got the least amount of time with him. But that was something that expectations of the relationships in our lives he's already showing up better than what he got yeah while he was growing up. So he's doing a damn good job in his mind. He's doing a damn good job right?
Speaker 3:I can't judge him from my lens, because from his lens yeah he is far exceeded expectations yeah, this is the magic recipe to being closer and and not having so much resentment and all of these things. Resentment is a relationship killer and people don't realize that it starts tiny and then it grows. And it grows because we don't know how to communicate, or we don't want to communicate with each other effectively and we don't know how to communicate, or we don't want to communicate with each other effectively and we don't know how we're communicating, probably like how our parents did, who knows. So now that's my story.
Speaker 3:I showed up the same way my dad did and I didn't realize it that it was a detriment to the relationship because it required me to be passive. Yes, dear, whatever you say, let me just shut you up, let me just be quiet, but I never got to voice it. Advocate for myself, yeah, in relationships, and I would always find more domineering women so that I could be passive. Yeah, and that was my dad and my mom, and I was like wait, what, whoa, what's going on? I'm not a passive guy, but I subconsciously was seeking it out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because that's what you got modeled that was the model that you followed. Yeah, it's interesting how we connect because complicated, but it's also easy to see Like when you step back and you look at someone's history and their trauma and their life experience and they pick someone that's really toxic and I can say I see why, Because this is where you come from. Of course, you would pick this narcissist because you're an empath and you always going to see the best in the person and even if he does something wrong, you're still going to forgive him. And I was like this makes sense that you would meet this type of this, makes sense that you've gone through five of them, but now we have to stop Like you have to stop.
Speaker 2:So yeah was that was my three years in between. So after my divorce, I was single for about a year and then I got into, like my a relationship with my high school sweetheart and he I don't know how many times he cheated on me and it was just like, yeah, I'll forgive you and yeah, I'll forgive you. And when, like when, I said enough is enough, and I went on a three-ish years of I need to get to know me, I need to love me, I need to heal and I still have healing to do. It never stops.
Speaker 2:It never stops ever, but I feel like it's made me more aware now. So I wrote out a list about a year and a half after him and I broke up. I wrote out a list of the things that I wanted in a man and the things that I wanted in a relationship, and this stemmed from everything that I had in my marriage, and then my second relationship stem from everything that I had in my marriage and then my second relationship and the good things and then the things that I didn't want. I flipped them and I said this is what I want. So instead of someone that doesn't cheat, I want someone that's faithful and honest and trustworthy and all the things Right.
Speaker 2:And so it was my list of wants, and one of my biggest things was okay, now who do I have to be to attract that kind of person? Because if I'm not a person that is all these things then I'm just going to continue down this rabbit hole. And I left a marriage that was a. It was a peaceful marriage. It wasn't ever bad to then go through this heartbreak and allow that to be what my kids see. No, yeah, yeah, that's whoa.
Speaker 3:let's step back a bit you did a lot of the work on your own that most people would never. I wouldn't have to be a coach. Right, I wouldn't have to be a coach because it was never taught. Some of us go through things and we're like, wait, I don't want to do this again. Let me figure out why. But that doesn't click with most people.
Speaker 3:And that's why I always caution people to talk about how trash the dating pool is, because that becomes your affirmation. And that's why I always caution people to talk about how trash the dating pool is, because that becomes your affirmation. And then you're going to start attracting these type of people. But the dating pool can be trashy If you have a lot of people with unhealed stuff out in the dating pool meeting each other, then it then you confirm your bias. Now it's everybody's trash. I'm unhealed and I'm out there trauma bonding with people. So, yes, I'm right. See, I told you they're bad. Yeah.
Speaker 3:So it becomes this cycle of terror and then you decide, okay, I'm going to stop dating for two years and then I'm going to go back in those two years. You just sat at home, so when you go back out there you're worse. And then they're gonna find you again and you're gonna be like, see, I told you and I'm like you're never gonna find your person dating like this yeah and I'm like.
Speaker 3:I always tell people the one way that you can tell that you need to heal is to look at your track record. If their track record is horrible and painful, then you're doing something wrong and you're going to have to read. You're going to have to put some new information and new habits in there. Yes, we know you've attached to bad people, but you stayed for 10 years. Yeah.
Speaker 3:But now we got to figure out why, when it hurt really bad that you kept going and it hurt again and you kept going. It's human to do it because we want to hope that it gets better. But when it doesn't get better, you still kept going and you still.
Speaker 2:And so now I'm looking at you, like you stay for the memories of how awesome it was.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's human to do it, but it definitely it will destroy you.
Speaker 3:It will destroy you. And then you're sitting and I'm like so, you were at the point of devastation and it never clicked that this is not going to work. And we're not. You know, we're not even talking about kids, just how the relationship it's like most of the time when I meet people who have been in relationships for years and it's horrible and they're like oh, the only thing I need to fix is he needs to communicate better. How can I make him communicate better? And I'm like you can't. He needs to communicate better. How can I make him communicate better? And I'm like you can't. He has to want to do it himself. And so I'm like bad communication is almost like a deal breaker for you. And they're like, yeah, and I've been with him for three years and I'm like, okay, when did you know that this person was a bad communicator? Oh, it's probably about month two.
Speaker 2:It's your deal breaker.
Speaker 3:You have the signs there. I would say with a certainty, maybe eight out of 10. It's not like last week, or it's like in the beginning. They knew that it felt wrong or they knew that this person didn't have the capability of being what you wanted in a husband or whatever. And you're like that's when I know it was attachment. You needed him more than you needed to vet him to figure out if he aligned the character and the core values, didn't care about that. You just everybody's spending the night at somebody's house every weekend. That's part of my story. My first marriage we just spent the night until we became a couple and I was like we never really dated, we just I don't know. And then we're married and I'm like, okay, now I get to see who you are. We don't match.
Speaker 2:These lenses are not the same. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:I found out that when I got married to her, I found out that she was a hyper independent person, like to the point where it was like don't drive my car, that's mine, you have your own, this is my cereal and this is in you. And I was like this doesn't feel. Like, am I a kid? We're married. So all of that affection that you like, I'm not really that type of person. I just do it because I thought that's what you needed, but I don't really like all the lovey-dovey stuff. She needed a whole, totally different type of man. That I could never be, because I like my hugs, like what are you talking about? So once we came to that realization, it was like, can we do this forever?
Speaker 3:yeah it wasn't no like horrific fighting or anything like that.
Speaker 2:It was like we don't even make sense, yeah, but it felt good to be around each other for those for that time that we were spending the night I think that I see a lot of that in older couples, older generation, that have just divorce was an option and their love languages were either of them weren't meeting each other's love language, and it's crazy. I love that. My parents were together for 50 plus years. However, I was the person that they went to each individually to complain about each other. So I'm like you guys need therapy. I'm very blunt and very matter of fact. This is it's no problem.
Speaker 2:I gave them the book the five love languages, because I knew that my dad's love language was physical touch, because I'm, I am him to a tee and my mom was acts of service fully. But even if he provided the acts of service and she never like really did the whole physical touch, and I'm like you, just you don't show him that you love him. I know that you do, but you don't show him the way that he's gonna feel it, and I just think that's really important. You don't have to have the same love language, but you have to know what each other's way of feeling loved is, because if not, then it's's just going to be a really long life.
Speaker 3:I know my parents are the living example of what you're talking about and they've been married probably 50 years at this point and now that they're older, fighting so much. And it's the other day I was like, can you guys go 24 hours?
Speaker 2:And my mom said we can do it as long as we don't talk to each other. And I was like can I, can you go to?
Speaker 3:therapy, then I already know that they're 75. They're 75. So it's pretty much like this is who we're going to be. But yeah, there's a lot of resentment there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my dad has had held resentment for probably 45 years and now he's old enough. Just, leave me alone, just I don't. And it's all coming out at once and my mom was like whoa, the clash is happening now because she got used to him being so passive. Yeah, she thought everything was cool, and now that he's voicing his opinion, it's not just his opinion, it's 45 years worth of anger and resentment, and and she's still doing the thing that he resented her for because she thinks that she was. So he's and she's what am I doing wrong? And then it becomes and I'm like every day, though, then it becomes things like oh, you put the fork in the wrong place in the drawer. What's wrong with you? He's you, and I'm like it's a fork, this is not the hill you want to die on. I'm here to visit and have a happy time here, and y'all are arguing over a fork for 10 minutes, and it's a lot. It's a lot, but they're not going anywhere.
Speaker 2:I have to say I love our generation. Yeah, that we. I feel like we are the probably the first generation that saw something not working and was like whoa yeah, yeah yeah, I don't want to live this way.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm like that with family too. Family, if it doesn't gel with me, I'm okay with like where this is not what we were taught.
Speaker 1:Yes, this is not we were just taught oh, that's your uncle.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you have to do it. This is your family, this is your blood, but they're treating me like crap and, no, I'm not doing it.
Speaker 2:And my mom is it's your family and I'm like I don't care. Yeah, it's so amazing. I think that it's such an awesome evolution on our part that we could know better and do better. It's awesome. This is so good. I think it's so valuable, because it's things that we really truly need to listen here and talk about, from two people that don't even know each other but have a lot of the same ways of thinking.
Speaker 3:So this is human this is the biggest part of my platform is we have so many things in common. We just haven't met each other yet, and I'm not even talking about relationship, just people that's going through the same thing. It's not just you crying in the closet by yourself. There's 5 million people that's had those same tears for the same exact reason, and I bring them together and they're like oh my God, it's not just me. And then that then inspires them to keep going on this healing journey. So it's like magic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree I. I'm a health and fitness accountability partner and I created a community because when I first started in my health journey, I needed a community. If not, I probably would have let cancer take over. And so, learning that we're not on this journey alone and that other people are experiencing things, that we are, and that they can be also the people that encourage us to keep going and give us that hope of all right, they're doing it, and this is why I have this podcast.
Speaker 2:It's against all odds, because it's people that have beaten the odds, and I know that in so many circumstances in my life I've already survived my worst day, and if that's happened with me, with everything that I've been through, then that means that life has a bigger purpose for me. So I'm gonna see how life happens for me and not to me anymore. I'm not gonna be the victim of my life. I'm or the circumstances. I'm going to be like all right, let's go and I'm gonna turn it around.
Speaker 2:And and I feel like Against All Odds is about that. It's people going through things and finding purpose behind what, the things that they went through, and it's so powerful to just know that we have that already in us and that we get to learn more about us and more about our resiliency and our strength and the love that we have inside for ourselves and how that can translate to everything else. Yeah, I feel like I could talk to you for hours because we are like-minded people, so let's definitely do this again. Thank you so much for today. All of your knowledge and just the conversation was amazing and I really truly appreciate it. Listeners, I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did. I will put all of his information in the show notes and again, thank you, derek and everyone everyone.
Speaker 2:Peace out. Love your life bye.
