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Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
Maria highlights stories of people that have been the "less than 1% chance" and have come out of their situations thriving and seeing life as happening FOR them and not TO them! Inspiring and empowering stories that will show you that against all odds you can make it through anything!
Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
The Journey of Healing and Purpose with Dr. Shafer
Ever wondered how life's toughest challenges can transform into powerful lessons? Join me, Maria Aponte, as I sit down with the incredibly resilient Dr. Shafer. From navigating an unforgiving music industry to overcoming an abusive relationship, Dr. Shafer's journey from musician to neurologist, certified life coach, and publisher is nothing short of awe-inspiring. Her insights on turning adversity into purpose and reclaiming one's story will leave you deeply moved and motivated to unlock your own potential.
In this episode, I also share my personal growth routine and the apps that help me stay aligned with my goals. We touch on the shared female experience of trauma, particularly sexual assault, and the unspoken bonds that connect us through these experiences. By exploring the power of self-affirmation and collective understanding, we emphasize the importance of personal growth tools and practices that can help us navigate life's obstacles more effectively.
Finally, we delve into the significance of open communication and emotional education within families. Through poignant personal anecdotes, including my own journey of healing through transparency with my children and parents, we highlight the necessity of creating a safe and nurturing environment. From understanding generational differences to the importance of rest and self-care, this episode is a heartfelt exploration of resilience, empowerment, and the invaluable lessons learned from life's unexpected challenges. Tune in for an inspiring conversation filled with wisdom and hope.
Connect with Dr. Shafer:
Website: www.drshaferstedronova.com
Instagram: @talks_with_dr_shafer
Facebook: @talkswithdrshafer
TikTok: @drshafer
LinkedIn: Shafer (Stedronova) Stedron
Daughter's Website:
Amelieanastasia.com
GrowthDay app offers tools, content, coaching, and community for self-improvement and success.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
Follow Maria on Facebook HERE
Follow Maria on Instagram HERE
Follow Maria on YouTube HERE
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than 1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte, where we will hear stories of incredible people thriving against all odds, and my hope is that we can all see how life is always happening for us, even when we are the Less Than 1% Chance.
Speaker 2:Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the Less Than 1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte. We have such an amazing guest today. I am so excited, so welcome, dr Schaefer. She is the host of an inspirational growth, health and healing-focused podcast called Talks with Dr Schaefer. She is a musician-turned-physician, neurologist which is awesome I love anything that has to do with the brain Certified life coach and publisher, and she is passionate about helping people to claim their stories and create the new next chapter of the life they truly want. She has personally overcome challenges in an abusive relationship that affected her personal and professional life until she took back her story, and she hasn't looked back since. She is really passionate about empowering others to do the same and come into their fullest potentials. Dr Schaefer, welcome, I'm so excited to have you.
Speaker 3:Thank you, maria. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to come on the show and meet you. I've enjoyed listening to your podcast episodes. I feel like I know you and have connected with you already, so it's so exciting to actually be here and talk to you.
Speaker 2:Oh, thank you. Oh my gosh, I am so honored. Thank you so very much. So give us a little bit of backstory. What is your against all odds story?
Speaker 3:Well, I think, when we take a bird's eye view of someone's life, we all have so many of these moments where we can't believe we came through them. But we just soldiered on right, and maybe we were striving for accolades, right or approval. We were seeking certain titles or degrees to make ourselves feel good because, as life had given us challenges and we kept on facing them, we didn't feel enough.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And that sets people up for making decisions in their lives that kind of bring them further and further and further away from their true purpose and the story that if they really were honest with themselves, the story they want to live and the story they want to tell, yeah, absolutely, and so for yeah for me. I started out life with some challenges and then I was involved in the music industry for quite a long time, which is also full of, for a young woman in the music industry, lots of risks in addition to the amazing things that are happening, and you maybe see some sides of the human condition that wouldn't be what you would want for your teenage daughter.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. I can only imagine we are hearing a lot of that now like coming into light, that just, and with these documentaries and these things that are very eye opening, because as a teenager I'm like, oh my God, I wish I could sing, because I would love that, and then you just never really know that's what's happening behind the scenes. So it's really it's been really eye opening over the last at least year that a lot of these stories are coming to light, and so I can only imagine the kind of things that you had to overcome.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you face a lot, and I was very often the only woman in the room. I felt like I was a woman. Really, I was a girl. I was a professional musician from the age of 14 on, and so I was in situations where, very often, I was the only female for quite a while and I was making very adult decisions with my career. I was writing, producing, singing, playing instruments and writing not only for myself, and producing not only for myself but for other artists, and so I was in rooms with people who had a lot of authority and power, and there was this power imbalance, right, yeah. And so along the road there, there certainly were things that happened to me that I wouldn't wish on a young person, and instead of really accepting that those things weren't my fault, but they were things that happened to me not because of me- yeah.
Speaker 3:At that young age you feel shame and you feel like things are your fault. Yeah, and what I found on my journey then because I never really had someone tell me that those things weren't my fault and to teach me not to absorb shame. Because I think also, you and I are about the same generation and I think shame was a pretty solid benchmark of parenting and after growing up. So feeling shame, especially as a young woman, about things that occurred in your life to you and taking that burden upon yourself was pretty normal at the time it was.
Speaker 2:I feel like we probably went through some similar things not me not being in the industry, obviously, but I was sexually assaulted at 16. And that stayed with me and I stayed quiet and I didn't say anything because I was ashamed, because I didn't feel like I would get that support that I needed, and so that transpired and I this is where I learned that this all, like this, all happened, yes, and it was really really difficult. But as I've healed from a lot of those wounds and a lot of those that trauma, I see that I wouldn't be who I am today if I wouldn't have been able to overcome all of those things. And so, as I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe that everything has a purpose and a meaning. And if we can find the purpose and the meaning in the things that we go through, then it shows you how life happened for you and not to you.
Speaker 3:Yes, everything has a lesson is how I look at it. There's always a lesson that you can take. And so, when I look back to reflect on my story and your story, when you don't have the tools to look at what's happened to you aside from shame right, you don't have the tools to do that you don't really deal with it, cope with it, it and leave it in the past. You carry it along with you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And it's coloring your interactions with the world and it's coloring your choices right. You're always striving, maybe for approval, because you feel bad and wrong on the inside, because this wouldn't have happened to me if I wasn't those things right. Or maybe you feel like you've lost some of your shine or sparkle after some things happened to you, and so you seek validation of that external quality rather than seeking partnership, someone to partner your soul, your internal qualities and be your partner.
Speaker 3:So what I found was when I reflect back, having not done that work as a child of, like you said, sorting through it and realizing it's not me, it's something that happened to me, and moving forward and taking the lessons. Instead, I was pretty wounded by everything that had happened and making choices to try to fix myself through external means, and so I married very young. I married when I was 20 to a man I really didn't know. We became engaged after two weeks of knowing one another and to my wounded little girl soul, my teenage girl soul, was oh my goodness, I finally found someone who just loves me for who I am, just instantly loves me. And as adults, we say oh, red flag.
Speaker 2:My daughter's 20 now and she's engaged and I'm like, well, just wait to get married till you're like 25. Let's just hold off till you're 25 for anything major marriage, kids, anything like that and thankfully she's marriage kids, anything like that, and thankfully she's yeah, like it's it'll be okay, and she's. I got married at 19, so I also understand very young. I had all three of my kids by the time I was 25, so my poor little brain was not even fully developed exactly.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's not by that age. It's really not. The decision making is not from the same perspective that you have now. It can't be.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I tell her like I'm like there's a reason that, like, car insurance goes down at 25.
Speaker 3:There's a good example.
Speaker 2:And you can rent a car at 25. It's because at least the closest you can be to like fully developing in your brain and your reaction, and her therapist calls it the animal brain. So if you're going to you, don't flip that lid as as easily.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:After that development stage and as you're saying that, I'm like, yeah, I feel you. I'm like telling my daughter just to hold on a few more years. There's no rush, and then you'll have a better career handle on your finances. You can have a beautiful wedding that you want, all the things. However, just wait.
Speaker 3:Exactly Well, and you can't really tell her this because you don't want to push them right, you don't want to control them or be coercive, because those of us that have experienced that in relationships we know that's not, it's not effective, it's not connecting right. But if you could tell them, well, it takes on average two years to get divorced. So, you shouldn't get married. I did it in three Exactly. So two to three years to get divorced. So you need to be engaged for two to three years Just test it out really well.
Speaker 3:Good rule of thumb.
Speaker 2:I love that, that's actually a great analogy too.
Speaker 3:If you tell her that I don't know is that going to be effective or not, because I think it's like Taylor Swift's new song. But, daddy, I love him.
Speaker 2:Right, it is. So on point, yes, absolutely, and it's it. But it's normal If you think back. Like my parents warned me and thankfully, my ex husband he's a great man we didn't have a horrible relationship, but by the time I was 28, I was like I feel like I'm not the same person I was and instead of like growing together, we grew apart and there was not that connection anymore and I chose to ask for the divorce because I was like my. What I want is my kids to know what it is to be healthy and happy, and if I am not modeling that like, how will I ever tell them that this is what they should do or that this is what they strive for? So yeah, I, just so I understand. I didn't listen to my parents, but I think that who does?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think that's just normal, well, normal, well, no, and actually it's a pretty normal psychological development to want to separate from your family and it makes sense because back when we lived in tribes, you needed to sever ties with your family to then go procreate because you didn't want to procreate with your tribe because that would be dangerous for your offspring, so you had to have a reason to leave. And we as humans are so bonded to our parents. Think about the average bond with a parent. If there's no abuse, or even if there is abuse, when there's abuse, there's still a bond. That is such a strong bond for so many people.
Speaker 3:Teenage years and early 20s are absolutely necessary to, basically for the survival of our species. That's why it happens. It's not. So don't take it personal. If your teenager is thinking they hate you because they don't hate you, it's just biology saying get away from them. You need to separate yourself and start your family. But now we know we live much longer because we're much healthier, we're much safer with our lives, we're not worried about the saber-toothed tiger eating us in our cave.
Speaker 3:So now that we're not living to 30 or 35, we can say, oh, I can live life differently, I can allow my brain to develop fully and then I can start my family. Of course, that's a decision for everyone to make, but from a neurologist standpoint waiting until your brain is fully developed I certainly advocate for that.
Speaker 2:Excellent. I love that. It feels good when you're just like. After all of my life and everything I've experienced, my conclusion is that just wait. 25 seems like a good number. My conclusion is that just wait 25 seems like a good number.
Speaker 3:I think yeah. What I did is I told my daughter 30 to get married when she's 30, which is a tough sell given my history, and I imagine, given your history, that's a tough sell. But someone gave me some excellent advice to say if you wait until you're 30, I'll buy your wedding dress, which is nothing.
Speaker 3:I mean unless they're going to go to Versace. It's not a big deal, but to them it's a really big deal. My mom okay, I have to wait until 30. So someone gave me that tip and I'm going to try it. You're fully advocating for that tip. I like it. We'll see how it works. A fellow physician mom gave me that tip, and so she and I swore that we were going to use this. I have three daughters, I have two stepdaughters and my oldest and she has two, so we're desperately holding on to any tool we have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah, I have two, two, two daughters of my own and I have two stepdaughters, so there's four girls and two boys. It's. It is definitely. Um, I will definitely use that as well. I think that that's a great tip.
Speaker 3:It's going to be a longitudinal study to see what percentage it works, and then we can break down the groups. Okay, why didn't it work? Why did it work?
Speaker 2:Our approach it's going to be perfect.
Speaker 3:We'll keep in touch over that, absolutely. But I wanted to reflect on something that you said about when you came to the realization, about your growth and what you needed to do to facilitate that, and I just want to applaud you for that. And recently someone actually asked me if you could tell your audience one thing, or if you could tell your clients one thing. That's the main thing that you're a proponent of, the thing that you're trying to get across, and it was grow. And if you can't grow where you are, go and then grow, yeah, but at all costs grow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I am a huge proponent of I listen to personal growth on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure you're familiar with Brendan Burchard, so he has this app called Growth Day and I listen to it every morning and I wake up, I put my headphones in. I don't turn on the phone for much other than turning on the app and listening to whatever daily fire he has, because he changes it on a daily basis. Yeah, it just. It's the first thing that I'm listening to is goodness in my ears, in between my ears, and and then, right after that is done, as I'm like brushing my teeth, putting on my face creams and all this stuff, getting ready I'm.
Speaker 2:I have this app called ThinkUp and the ThinkUp app you can record your own affirmations or vision or whatever, and it's in your own voice. It has, like in the background, like music or just sounds, right, sound healing, whatever, and it you can put it on repeat and it shuffles everything, and so it's what I listened to. I listened to myself giving myself affirmations on a daily basis and it's listening to my vision and how I want. I'm a number one best selling author and speaker and podcaster and like all of these things that I know that I feel in my heart, but it isn't for me to just have this vision out there. It's for me to like, constantly listen to this and know in my hearts of hearts that it's it's true, yeah.
Speaker 3:Do you think that? I think it's such an interesting concept? Because it's different than listening to someone else's podcast or someone else's words. And they may be someone else's words, but when you're recording them in your own voice and listening to them repeatedly, it just feels like it's going to happen.
Speaker 2:I'm just telling myself a story that I see, a vision that I see.
Speaker 3:Something that occurred to me as I was sitting and reflecting was that you had shared with me, in response to something that I had shared, that you had something really traumatic a sexual assault happened to you as a teenager. And I was reflecting on this kind of interesting shared female experience where I didn't really have the time to respond to you just because of the way that our conversation was going. But I'm here nodding like same same shared female experience and not necessarily validating the experience out loud, because I think we, as women, we often again it's that shame and that almost sad statistical truth of we expect, if we're in a room with four women, that at least one of them has been raped and most likely I think those stats are probably not accurate.
Speaker 1:I think it's a lot more.
Speaker 3:So often when we hear these stories, I think, especially as women who have shared experiences, we're kind of like and we don't necessarily have this big response of like oh my gosh, I'm so sorry this happened to you, but it's not because we don't care, it's because we have shared that horrific experience and we don't have to share those words.
Speaker 2:I know, and I think that I've been so open about my experience in what I've gone through, that I feel I understand the nod Exactly and I think it is so sad.
Speaker 2:It is so sad I, like I was very open even with my kids as they were growing up. Obviously, to their little ears, depending on their age, they got more and more information as my kids hit anything like middle school, high school, they knew my story because I felt like they needed to feel empowered to number one, tell me if there was anything ever wrong and, number two, know that they are loved no matter what. And because I feel like, as especially in our generation, as all of those things happen, it was always like hushed or never talked about. And so now that I feel like we're so much more evolved in our, in our voice, I feel like that nod is just, it is validating, even though it's not in words but it is in. I feel like our hearts connect because it's a moment that unfortunately, so many of us have experienced and and I really do think those statistics are very, very wrong, because most of the women that I've spoken to unfortunately have gone through something like that Right and so we don't talk about it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we don't talk about it. That just makes that statistic lower and lower and lower, because people don't feel safe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was raised in a family. They didn't find out until three years after it happened and it wasn't talked about again. And then, when I started to heal from my own journey and from the things that I had gone through, that I started to speak up about it and understandably, I think, that my parents felt and I've had this conversation with them but they felt like they weren't there to protect their baby.
Speaker 3:So they felt shame and guilt.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so I feel like it isn't I had. So I had a conversation a few years back with my parents that I was I want to say, through one of my my mindset coach. We had a conversation in a group setting. I am very open with my story because I feel like, again, the more people that hear it, the more people that don't feel that stigma of the things like you shouldn't feel ashamed. That happened and I'm not letting that have that power over me anymore.
Speaker 2:So I, in a group setting, in a group coaching call, I spoke up about it and about how, like it just really hurt that my parents, what I, that they didn't understand that what I needed in that moment, rather than shaming me further, was a hug and just love.
Speaker 2:That's all like, just tell me that you love me and that you support me and give me a hug. And they didn't react that way and and so he, like, through that coaching call, he was like Maria, maybe it's time to have that conversation with your parents. And I was like, but I don't want them to feel guilty, I don't want them to feel like I'm telling them they were bad parents, because I don't think that they were, especially now, as a parent. There is no manual for this, they're all so different and there's no manual on how to be a parent. However, he was like but it's not that, just telling them what you needed at that time. And you didn't receive and thankfully I had a counseling appointment in the interim of that conversation happening and she was like just be prepared to hold yourself and to hug yourself and be prepared to be what you needed in that moment to yourself. Don't put any expectations on that conversation.
Speaker 2:Yes but it's important to have. And so I was very it was very scary Like I was shaking going to my parents' house that day and I just I sat them down and I was like I just feel like I need to get this out. I need to do it for my own healing, and I just need you to know that in the moment that I told you guys and I didn't tell you guys for three years, because I knew that the way that you reacted was how you were going to react, and I wasn't prepared to hear that it was my fault, because it wasn't and so in that moment, I really felt like what I needed from you guys that I did not get was a hug and some support and love. And I'm not telling you that you guys did anything wrong because you don't know how to handle those situations. There's no manual. Circumstances like this happen with anything that happens with your child, anything that happens with your child when you're experiencing it for the first time. You don't know what you don't know. You don't know how to handle that situation. So I'm not shaming you at all, I just thank you for always being such great parents.
Speaker 2:In that moment, though, I needed a hug and some support. And my mom has always been my dad was the physical touch, has always been my dad was the physical touch. That was his love language, as it's my love language, and my mom was never that at all, so she was more like I could probably count the amount of times that I've gotten embraced and she was the first one to give me a hug and I broke down because I wasn't expecting it. I was fully just expecting me to, like, leave and go to the park or something and just hug myself and be there for myself and it was beautiful experience. But we don't talk about it because it's this shame all across the board. It's a shame for them. They weren't there to protect me. It's shame for me because I felt in that moment that it was my fault, like it was. It's just such a. It's just a very interesting subject matter because it always has so much emotion attached to everything.
Speaker 3:And emotion was exactly the word that was coming to my mind and the thought that, had we had better training and vocabulary around emotions when we were younger people, you could have saved yourself a lot of pain and anguish. If you could have, on short order, turned to your parents and said listen, you guys are great parents, I love you. This is hurting me further. This is how I'm experiencing what you're telling me right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I don't need this. What I need is love.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And if they had been faced with that, like if they had understood in that moment that they were hurting you further, knowing full and well from what you're sharing that they love you, and that they were willing to take a step back and meet you once they understood how you were experiencing it you once they understood how you were experiencing it If we can gift that to our children, to this up and coming generation more emotional intelligence and emotional regulation and communication, and willingness to speak up when their boundaries are being crossed, willingness to speak up when they are feeling that they are being harmed and listen to their gut they are feeling that they are being harmed and listen to their gut what an amazing gift. How much less emotional distress will they feel? Because if you'd had that language, if that had been modeled for you and you'd had that conversation, what would that have looked like?
Speaker 3:And now as a grown adult. You had that and it went so much better than you could have expected.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was definitely relieved in so many ways and it doesn't go like that for everyone. So I that was the, I guess, the ideal outcome. However, I agree, and even between my children my 20-year-old, her emotional intelligence compared to my 15-year-old that got a lot more time of my healed self, is so different, so vastly different, seen the evolved version of me as a parent and how it took me so many years to heal me. And when I was in a more healed state, my little one, my youngest, got so much more of that than what my two older ones got. And so, in very like, their therapy appointments are so vastly different and it's and you could tell that difference like how my 15 year old can very easily articulate her emotions and my 20 year old still has a little bit of that problem of articulating what she's feeling. She just shuts down. So it's very interesting.
Speaker 3:But, yeah, I think that that's the beauty of us healing that our kids could learn a little bit more of that language absolutely and Absolutely, and I've had the opportunity to speak through my show with so many specialists in helping kids regulate their emotions, specifically therapists, authors who write books from a therapeutic standpoint to try to help with emotional regulation. And the unifying thread of managing these relationships with our children is not so much helping the child who's neurodivergent or helping the child who's failing in school. How can we get them doing better at math? How can we fix this? Let's hire a tutor, let's do X, y, z, let's cut out the iPad and make them stay home on the weekends. And that's not the solution. The solution is parenting ourselves and then trying to show up for our kids in a healed way, and that will fix so much of it, because so much of it is our reactions to the problem, more so than the problem.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh my gosh, I feel like we are so connected. I feel like you've been in my head. This is so cool because I did experience like a similar situation between when my 20 year old was 15 and my now 15 year old very, very similar situations, and I reacted very, very differently, like I was parenting me. I showed up to my youngest, as I would have needed my parent to show up for me, my youngest, as I would have needed my parent to show up for me. Yeah, and it was mind blowing the difference in just my own peace of mind and how it didn't take that power away from me. It was so more power. Exactly, it helped me keep that power in my own emotions.
Speaker 2:It was that simple in my own emotions, and so her reaction to it was more like well, mom did not react like she did with my older sister. Sister, this is a different version of mom, like I think she was a little confused, but I think that it created a more easier conversation between the two of us.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think sometimes, as parents, it's easy to feel shame as to why couldn't I show up the same exact way when I was you were still a baby when you have babies.
Speaker 3:Of course you couldn't show up as as you do now. That it's not. It's not possible. That expectation is not. It doesn't fit. So we don't look at the number three and get angry with it that it's not four, right? So if we have an equation, so the equation is be a mom and it's blank plus two equals six, but you're a three because you're not to four yet, right, you haven't grown. This is what you are. And we plug you in the equation three plus two equals. Oh no, it doesn't equal six. We don't get mad at three, we're just like. It doesn't fit, move along, it's not the right number.
Speaker 3:Yet with ourselves, we expect ourselves to show up as something that we're not, that we haven't had the opportunity to grow into, and it's I don't like the word fair, but it is truly, really unfair. It's not an expectation that we can meet and it sets us up for feeling shame, and shame does absolutely nothing for us. And it made me think when you were discussing your reactions with your children. And as we grow, we tend to respond rather than react. But especially when we're younger or we're still coping with a lot of things, we're under a lot of stress. Our nervous system, our brain is in charge of everything. Right, I'm a neurologist so maybe I'm biased, but it is the most important part of us.
Speaker 3:It's what makes us right. And if our neurochemicals, our brain, is dysregulated and, as you were talking about earlier, we're in the reptilian brain activating stage, if we're in our limbic system, our agitation, anger, frustration, fight or flight system and we stay in that system, it's like a tire that's just getting deeper and deeper into the mud. We have to break that habit to get out. And you're deep right. So you're going to have to build up on that. You're going to have to build new habits, new patterns. You're going to have to learn how to respond rather than to react. And it's not immediate, it requires neurodevelopmental changes, like you have to grow up right, you have to choose yourself, you have to choose your health. You have to go if you can't grow right, because if you're in an environment where you're not safe, where your basic needs are not being met, you can't grow to be the mom, the person you want to be. So it's just so important and that's why I do the work I do in life coaching, as well as with talks with Dr Schaefer and my community and writing we Don't Tell Our Stories is to really try to educate people about the need for their health, to work on mindset, to work on growth, to work on self-awareness and regulation.
Speaker 3:Because, as a neurologist, if you come to me for headaches or for seizures, which you take similar medications often for both of these disorders If you come to me and I give you a prescription and I tell you make sure you're sleeping and eating and drinking enough water, and all that and don't do X, y, z, but then you go home to an unsafe environment where you can't sleep well, or maybe you're being bullied at school, right?
Speaker 3:Or maybe you're in a toxic situation at work and you're always stressed, not sleeping well, not eating well, and your body is in a constant state of fight or flight. It doesn't matter what I prescribe to you, it's not going to be as effective, it's not going to be as helpful as if you were in a regulated state where your brain and body weren't constantly focused on. I just need to be safe, yeah, and so that's a part of why I'm so passionate about having conversations about meeting these needs and working on our mindset and working on growth, because we can spend as much money as we want on the creams and the devices and the medicines and all of those things, but we really need to, as a group. Just come back to a place of health in our mindset and our lives. Before we can really achieve the health and wellness that we want and that we're frankly spending so much time and money trying to achieve, we need to work on ourselves first.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. I am in the health and wellness space as well. Nine years ago I had cervical cancer and I was depressed and I was a single mom of three kids. My oldest daughter had just been diagnosed bipolar. I don't think that's the case. I don't think that's what she is, but she was like 12 at the time and it was like such an early diagnosis but I was at my wit's end, didn't know how to handle. Like I was traveling for work, it was just all of the things right. There was so much dis-ease, all of the things.
Speaker 2:Another one of those nod moments, right Like huh, all those things, yes, and there was so much dis-ease All of the things, another one of those nod moments, right, all those things, yes, and there was so much dis-ease in my body that it was creating this disease, and so I had a surgery in June and by August I was like spiraling with the depression, with the weight gain, with everything. And I found something that I was able to do from home, that I wasn't going to just leave three little kids home by themselves. Something that I was able to do from home, that I wasn't going to just leave three little kids home by themselves, so I could go to a gym, right. So I figured out what I could do and so I found it. I found the tools. It was like the workouts and the nutrition and great supplements Amazing. And I could make a business out of it. Great. And it had community and all of that.
Speaker 2:One of the major things that was different between just being a customer and partnering with this company was that, as a partner, they encouraged that one of our vital behaviors was personal growth, and it changed the game for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the moment that I started to, I didn't even know who Tony Robbins was, and the moment that I started to hear just things like progress equals happiness, and I was progressing in my own health and I was like, oh my gosh, and I felt this difference in me that was so big, it was whole health.
Speaker 2:At that moment, it was my mind that, even through the hard moments because I had a second cancer diagnosis that year and and I was able to lean into that community and say, feel like I want to give up and they were like, no, no, no, you're. You've been like doing so good for a whole month and a half, like when was the last time you were able to do that? And so I stuck through it and the workouts were there, the nutrition was there, yeah, completely changed my lifestyle. The supplements were there, the mindset changed everything, because it showed me that I could get through the hard days and that I could continue to evolve and get better and heal. And I was like what is happening? And when I ended up having a full hysterectomy at the end of the year, in December of that year, and a week later when I was getting the pathology report, the doctor sat me down. He's like Maria, there's zero signs of cancer.
Speaker 3:That's amazing.
Speaker 2:I don't think that combination was a coincidence. I think the combination of all of the things like I worked here, I worked what was going in my body, like it was the combination, the community, the, the mindset, everything, all of the things that I did to change my lifestyle saved my life.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it really does, and it's really funny because you're passionate about podcasting, I'm passionate about podcasting and we are in part. Both of us have had a shared experience of literally having our lives saved by a podcast.
Speaker 2:Isn't that crazy, isn't it amazing.
Speaker 1:It is so cool.
Speaker 3:It's true, and it's so inspiring and when you see the power of connection and of storytelling and of saying, hey, I know there are a million people that are out here talking and sharing their stories, but just in case this helps one person, I'm going to tell this story because I know one other person saved my life and it's worth it, and so that's so powerful and I'm just so happy to hear that you came through and to just to validate what you're saying. Of course, in medicine we understand not to the fullest, that we will with research but we do know that nutrition, sleep, mental health those are very important because the stress hormones we have and we're not minding those and the deleterious things from a poor diet, they actually act against your body, they act against your cells, they act against the cells, the natural killer cells that are there to help fight cancer. So so we know you have to be doing these things if you want to have the best chance for survival and just for health in general.
Speaker 3:So, you're absolutely right and I am just so glad that was the outcome for you and for your kids, because they need mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's definitely been such a incredible like sometimes I look back and I'm like whoa that just I need to write a book.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you do.
Speaker 1:You do Send me send me a copy.
Speaker 3:I love editing, so I'd be like honored to get the opportunity to get a pre-read.
Speaker 2:That would be amazing. I just really I need to hear, though how did you go from musician to neurologist? Because yeah, that's pretty different.
Speaker 3:It's a jump. Right, it's a jump. It's a jump as I was leading into. I got married very young and I married someone who really liked to be in charge of things, and although I had, I was really beginning to get some traction and some real success in my musical career. And I had all these amazing offers and they told me well, I don't think that's a good family career.
Speaker 3:Okay, so I gave it all up. I was supposed to be starting at the New York University School of Music business to transition also from being a performer as well to being on the business side more, and so it was such an exciting time in my life. But here there was this authority figure and with everything I get experience going into it, I really forfeited my choice in that moment and that's the choice I made. And so then I moved back to the Midwest from New York City, where I'd been living for years and I really didn't know what I was going to do with my life, and I started studying psychology. I was working in the psychology department, teaching and doing research. I was doing research at the Kinsey Institute, all these amazing things and was told I should be a psychiatrist, and so I applied to one medical school and I got into that medical school and went to medical school, medical school and went to medical school and while I was there I just fell in love with neurology.
Speaker 3:And when you're in medical school it's really interesting. One of the ways I think many people choose their profession is the patients that you just can't wait to spend time with them, right when you're on. We call them rotations, and you spend one, two, three months with within a specialty to see if it's a good fit for you. And I went to medical school thinking I'd be a psychiatrist.
Speaker 3:When I was in medical school, I actually started preparing to be a dermatologist and I did everything I needed. I did the research, I was the top 5% of my class, I did all the things that you need to do to get into dermatology because it's quite competitive, and so I was the top 5% of my class. I did all the things that you need to do to get into dermatology because it's quite competitive, and so I was all ready to go into this competitive field. And then, when I was a third-year medical student, I did my first neurology rotation and it was like snap, oh man. Well, I know I did all of that preparation for dermatology. But I'm a neurologist, that's what I am.
Speaker 1:I love that, so I'm a neurologist.
Speaker 3:That's what I am. So I went into neurology and I absolutely love it. It's such a good fit for my personality and I just I love spending time with neurological patients. But then I jokingly call myself the queen of pivot, because life has been this way. Life led to even more pivots. My life was really more and more controlled over time until it was to the point where the only thing that was permitted for me was to work for this other person and not to actually have a career outside of their control.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so that had occurred, and I didn't even have any money coming to me. Any money that I made through that job was going directly into a retirement account that I had no control over. So here I'd gone from a highly trained, autonomous person to this person who had no autonomy, but I still loved my life, because I just loved my children more than anything, and I think they are what really got me through so much of what I'd been through and kept me going. And then two things, though, really saved my life, because it was just becoming unsustainable what I was experiencing, and those two things were one. My best friend finally became aware of what was going on and asked me one simple question Do you know that you matter? You matter, and no one had ever said that to me in my entire life.
Speaker 2:It was like acknowledging your existence.
Speaker 3:Literally, that I mattered, that my thoughts, feelings and needs mattered, and it was the first time anyone had ever said or asked me that question and that rocked my soul. And another thing that happened was I started. I don't even know how I happened upon this podcast, but I happened upon Les Carter, who is a therapist who works in educating about coercive control, about the controlling people in your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I couldn't get enough and I would just have my earbud in and just listen and listen and listen. And I learned about controlling people. But I also learned, more importantly, so much about what, how I was showing up, and learned how to become stronger so that I could show up for myself and my kids as myself and really reclaim my life. And so I moved forward and I did take the really difficult, challenging and often very frightening steps that it took to achieve that and it was really difficult. It reminds me of that like TikTok thing where they say I don't know how I did it, I just did it. It was hard yeah.
Speaker 2:It just. It's literally like one foot in front of the other.
Speaker 3:You have you just do it. You just do it, so I didn't even know what to expect, You're just like okay.
Speaker 2:So, if my right foot can get in front of my left foot, yes, we're moving forward. If my left foot can get in front of my right foot, then we're going somewhere and every day looks different.
Speaker 3:Right, there may be months in your healing process and growth process where you can barely get out of bed, and that's actually okay. You need to rest. Once you really allow the, once you acknowledge what's happened to you because you've been boxing that up, you haven't been acknowledging it. Once you really acknowledge it, that process is really tiring. It requires a lot of effort and energy and healing and we heal our body heals when we sleep. We grow when we sleep and so when you're going through traumatic times in your life, a part of that growth is going to be you have to rest and please don't shame yourself. When you need to rest, Just lean into it and say this is what my body needs and I love and I trust my body and I'm going to give it what it needs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, yeah, I can't even say yes. Enough for that. I'm dealing with even postmenopausal issues now and I had kept it at bay for so long and I feel I was telling one of my friends the other day I just I don't feel like me. I'm always go, go, go and I just really just want to rest right now and I am so valuing just the sleep and I know that it's like my adrenals need it big time and like my body is literally like telling me Maria, stop it right now, like you need to just take it easy and be kind and just let yourself rest. And so that has been a bit of a shift, because I was a single mom for many years and it was like I had no other choice but to just go, go, go.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And now that it's so funny. I was just always somebody that I was very independent from the get go and and I have been independent for so long that when you have someone that you can depend on, it's really, really hard to just allow that to happen. And it's scary and it feels so out of body that you it's like this internal fight, oh, but this isn't me, oh, but it's so mind-boggling to me. But when you finally allow yourself to just say can you just get me for a little bit, can you just be there?
Speaker 3:I'm tapping out. I'm tapping out you're in like can you just?
Speaker 2:can this just be a thing? Can you? Can I just tap out? I've never been able to tap out. So tapping out, you're in. Can this just be a thing? Can I just tap out? I've never been able to tap out. So, tapping out is just weird. But I'm tapping out, Can you just tap in please? Yeah, it's really mind blowing when that can actually be a thing.
Speaker 3:It is, and it requires two things a partner you trust and trusting yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was literally crying to two of my best friends a few weeks ago.
Speaker 1:I was just like I just don't feel like me anymore and I feel like I'm losing myself.
Speaker 2:And I know that it's. My estrogen levels are like below postmenopausal average, like it's they're down, and my cortisol levels like um, I am working with a hormone specialist and she was like adrenal fatigue. You're there, this is what's happening and your body is maria. You need to take it easy and I'm like but I have this brain fog. I need to maybe just honor the fact that I do need to take some rest yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like we said, like the number three, it's the number three. Are we going to be mad at the number three? Are we going to be like you're number three, that's where we are right now, or do we get mad that the flower needs to be watered?
Speaker 2:Yeah, You've got to water the flower. You need to rest.
Speaker 3:You have to take care of your needs and your needs are different and I think, especially when you've been super mom for so long, it is so hard to attend to your needs. But that's a part of ongoing growth.
Speaker 3:And you do so much growth and you think like, okay, I've got it now but then you meet a new challenge and you feel those similar pulls, those pangs, and it's I call it the trigger detector. It's telling you like oops. So when you are feeling upset that you have this need right and instead of just meeting the need, you're fighting the need, okay, that's the trigger detector, it's going off.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So we can run away from it, or we can say, okay, what is this telling?
Speaker 2:me. I'm leaning in.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm leaning in, I'm going to meet the need and I'm going to just see what's the worst that can happen by seeing what happens if I meet this need. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, so good, it's so good. So tell our list. We have talks with Dr Schaefer. There's another podcast, I believe right.
Speaker 3:My daughter's podcast. Yeah, I would be so thrilled if anyone has kids or loves reading. Check out what's up young authors. I'm going to plug it way more than I plug talks with Dr Schaefer, because like that's old news.
Speaker 3:Right, that's my podcast. I'm going to plug my daughter's podcast, so she is. It's as a part of my healing journey and her healing journey, because we were going through this together and she was old enough to really be experiencing it, right? So when she was eight, she actually wrote her first book and, with the help of a friend, she published it. Oh my gosh. And then we just went to our local bookstore and we said, hey, would you just put a few copies in here so that she can send her friends to get it? And they did. They so graciously agreed and we put it in the store and then they were gone. And then they said, hey, could you bring by more books? Sure, sure, we'll bring by a few more. And then the next week, hey, can you bring back double books Because they're gone again. And this just kept on happening. I have goosebumps. It became.
Speaker 3:The wonderful thing was I wanted it to not be the year that her parents went through a separation, right, I wanted it to be the year that she wrote a book. Yeah, and that's what I wanted it to be. But then she wrote another book and then another book, and that's going to be coming out another book and then another book, and that's going to be coming out. So she wrote Fox Tales, fox Tales 2, and this fall Wolf Tales will be coming out in this beautiful, beautiful series. Actually, I don't know if you should have a video but I have a picture.
Speaker 2:This is her Fox Tales, right here. It's so beautiful. Oh my God, that is gorgeous.
Speaker 3:Her stuff really is gorgeous. That's my little baby right there.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:Isn't she beautiful?
Speaker 2:She is absolutely gorgeous, so I'm I want the link. If there's a link to it, I will put it in the show notes.
Speaker 3:Her website is wwwomelieanastasiacom, and I'll send that too for the show notes. But the really exciting thing about her and I'm really sharing it, not even so much to plug it, but because it's just evidence of what happens when you grow as a parent what happens around you, right, it's infectious. So not only was it not the year that this happened, this bad thing happened, it was the year that she published a book, then she published another and now she's publishing her third. She's writing a book to help raise money for the Humane Society this year as well, a fourth book, and we'll be working with our local chapter to help them raise money. And she also was doing a TV spot for PR for Fox Tales 2 this spring and she came off of the stage and she was like mom, that was amazing, when can I do that again? Now, can I do it now? And I said well, we live in Northern Michigan so it might be hard for mom to find you another TV spot now, but let's spitball that talk and figure this out.
Speaker 3:And she said well, you have a podcast. What if I had a podcast where I interview other young authors so that they have an opportunity to show their strength, the power of their voice and spread their message and promote their work to other young people?
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I love her. I want to meet her.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she's amazing. So she did that, and then that wasn't enough. Then she said with my second book and my third book, I really want to start raising money because I feel like I'm not doing enough for wildlife. I want to start raising money to help create a wildlife preserve for animals like the characters in my book, and so that's something else that we started doing this year too, all just as a side effect of me deciding to live my life and do it in a really outwardly visible way.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So that my daughter then saw that Be authentically you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, be me. My daughter saw that and she was inspired and it inspired her to not be like me but to be herself which is all I want for my kids is for them to be unapologetically themselves. And that's what I want for my listeners and for anyone I meet to grow and to be yourself.
Speaker 2:I love that so much. How old is she?
Speaker 3:She's 10.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I have goosebumps. That is like amazing. Oh my gosh, that is like amazing. Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of her and I don't even know her. I love that so very much. Yeah, I truly feel like us being able to be our authentic selves gives them the permission that they need to say oh well, if mom can do it. And I have a saying to my kids, and I just have a very candid relationship with my kids and my biggest advice to them, when they leave my car, the house, whatever is don't do stupid shit. Make good choices make good choices.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that the don't do stupid shit is just funny, because if you have to think, is this stupid, it's probably stupid, so it's point. Yeah, and they're all like 15 and over.
Speaker 3:Now I, they're in the season of making bad choices exactly right.
Speaker 2:so I did a reel on Instagram like a few weeks ago, and it was talking about the one advice that I tell my kids every time they leave the house, the car, whatever. And I kind of like paused and I said don't do stupid shit. And so I got the reaction of my son listening to the reel and in that pause he was like don't do stupid shit. And so I think we're going gonna end up doing a podcast together called don't do stupid shit that is so fun.
Speaker 2:I will definitely listen to that so excited because he just graduated high school and we used to have our car talks in the morning. They were my favorite. We just were very candid. I don't sugarcoat things. He's 18. The conversations are way different than they were when he was 12. Right, I'm like, oh my God, like I was going through that phase of all of this is like ending oh my gosh, like our morning talks are ending as one of those conversations towards the last couple of days of school and I was just like God, I'm going to miss these so much. And I was just like God, I'm gonna miss these so much. And I was getting all emotional. He's like Mom, we should just make a podcast that. And I was like I would totally be down for doing a podcast because the crazy talks that we have people if they were in the car, they would be like, oh my gosh, you guys are hilarious.
Speaker 3:That's awesome and it keeps communication open. It creates a space for him to know he can count on you to communicate with you. And that is so important, not for it to be a special thing to reach out to your safe adult, but to just know we've got a time right, I know. I can count on them.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I truly feel like just seeing that dynamic. I think that I worked really hard to make that difference, like we always try to evolve from what we went through, and the one thing that I wanted to evolve with my kids the most was communication, because I didn't feel like I could be heard or I could have that communication with my parents and I feel like I've achieved that and I really want that to be an example and it'd be funny and crazy and all the things, and so the fact that he was the one that mentioned it, I was like all in right, Same me as a mom.
Speaker 3:You're like okay, let's do this, let's do this. We got this. I love it.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for sharing that I'm so excited to check it out. Yes, this has been such an amazing conversation. I know that your time is super valuable, so anything else that you feel like you need our listeners to hear today- If anyone wants to learn more about what I do, they can certainly go to wwwdrshafercedranovacom.
Speaker 3:Fine.
Speaker 2:I will put all of that in the show notes just in case you didn't catch that. I am so excited and I'm just, I feel, so blessed that we had this conversation, that I think that when energies align, when you're in that energetic field of like high vibration, you attract a lot of the people that are in that same field of energy, and I couldn't have asked for a better conversation with you.
Speaker 3:I'm so glad that we connected, thank you so much, dr Schaefer Listeners.
Speaker 2:Amazing, amazing conversation. I hope you got so much out of it. Just like I did, I will put all of our information in the show notes, so thank you so much for listening today. Have an amazing rest of your day. Peace out, guys. Love your life. Bye.
