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Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
Maria highlights stories of people that have been the "less than 1% chance" and have come out of their situations thriving and seeing life as happening FOR them and not TO them! Inspiring and empowering stories that will show you that against all odds you can make it through anything!
Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
Rising from Despair: Tywanah Evette on Healing, Ancestral Connections, and Empowerment
Have you ever wondered how someone can rise from the depths of despair to embrace a life of healing and purpose? Join us as we explore the remarkable journey of Tywanah Evette, an intuitive healer and psychic, whose life story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. From facing life-threatening circumstances at birth to surviving unimaginable abuse, Tywanah's early years were marked by a tumultuous mix of love and trauma. Her candid recounting of discovering a pregnancy at 15, while navigating the complexities of psychiatric evaluations and family challenges, sets the stage for a powerful narrative on resilience and survival.
In our conversation, Tywanah opens up about her profound spiritual awakening and the pivotal role her ancestors played in guiding her journey to healing. Following a transformative vision, she discovered a renewed connection to her ancestral roots, including a lineage of psychic grandmothers, which helped her cultivate a deeper understanding of self-worth and familial bonds. Through Rapid Transformational Therapy, Tywanah experienced a profound shift, embracing forgiveness and a newfound spiritual identity. Her story highlights the enduring impact of familial and ancestral connections in overcoming grief and the emotional scars left by past abusive relationships.
Tywanahs message of empowerment and personal growth resonates throughout our discussion, as she reflects on the importance of setting healthy boundaries and fostering connections through shared experiences. Her journey of self-discovery is intertwined with reflections on motherhood, the complexities of familial relationships, and the ongoing quest to find peace and strength after trauma. As Tywanah celebrates the resilience and self-love she has cultivated, listeners are inspired to cherish life, embrace their true selves, and navigate their own healing journeys with courage and grace.
Connect with Tywanah:
Website: www.blackbutterflygoddess.com
Instagram: @blackbutterflygoddess
Book link: Divine Synchronicity
GrowthDay app offers tools, content, coaching, and community for self-improvement and success.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
Follow Maria on Facebook HERE
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Follow Maria on YouTube HERE
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than 1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte, where we will hear stories of incredible people thriving against all odds, and my hope is that we can all see how life is always happening for us, even when we are the Less Than 1% Chance. Hey, hey, welcome back to Against All Odds the Less Than 1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte. I am so pumped for this. We had just like a 20 minute conversation before I even pressed record and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so excited for the listeners today. So I meet Tawana Yvette. She's an intuitive healer and psychic with over 35 years of dedicated service in the business world, now gracefully transitioning into a more profound spiritual space. So I really don't even want to go into her story, because I want this conversation to tell her story. It is profound, it is just you wait because it is against all odds and to see just the confidence that that she exudes now is beautiful. So, hi, tawana, it's so good to have you.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited for this, I've got chills.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. I'm way, way excited. So give us a little bit of background. What is your against all odds story? And, yeah, give us all the info.
Speaker 2:My against all odds story started in the womb where my mother spiked 106 fever and had to be rushed to the emergency room. My godmother tells the story of how the doctor came out and said if we're able to save one of them, chances are neither of them are going to make it. But if we can save one, which one do you want? And my godmother's like three foot nothing. And my biological father says my wife and my godmother climbs on this doctor's neck and he tells him you'll save both. So I think he was scared of her, as he should be. And I was born three pounds four ounces, which today is not a big deal, but in the 70s it was a whole different animal. Um yeah, I spent three months in the incubator before I could even come home.
Speaker 2:My childhood I lived with my mother and my father until she left him when I was about three and she was with another man who I call my daddy. I was daddy's girl. I had no idea this man wasn't my father until I was 10. Wow, that's my daddy. He protects me in spirit even till today. And I did get that seven year period of being a daddy's girl. My mother fell into a very deep depression after losing her job when I was 10. And we moved to Seattle. That was the greatest year of my childhood, like I got to be a kid. I got to run through the woods, I got to do all of these things that this New York City girl had never seen. And she got into an even darker space and sent me to live with my father, and that's truly where my nightmare began. So your biological father.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I call him father, I call my daddy daddy. That's where the nightmare began. He's a pedophile and I was RAPED brutally for five years. He threatened my mother when she moved back to New York from Seattle because he worked for immigration. It was a church going man. He's like I'll never give you custody of her again unless you marry me. And so, despite me begging, my mother didn't. She had no clue why I was begging for her not to marry him. She had no idea I hadn't told anybody. His girlfriend caught on to it and she left him. She was like nope, I'm not staying here for this, I've got to go oh, oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was quite intense. And my mother, when she came back to New York city, she was in nursing school, so that was nighttime. She was gone at night. Perfect opportunity for him. Yeah, so from 10 to 15, I endured these secrets. I did try to tell my fifth grade teacher she laughed at me. What? Yes? Her and the guidance counselor laughed and was like, ah, you're an active kid with an active imagination, nothing. So your dad's a church going man. He works for immigration. Ha ha, ha ha. What do you want me to do? Punch him. And in my mind, my 10 year old mind, I'm thinking yes, yes, that's exactly what I want you to do. So Antoinette Antisovsky, I'll never forget her name. She laughed and I don't remember the guidance counselor's name, but he laughed too. So I shut down. I didn't feel like anyone, I told, would believe anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:When I was 15, I found out I was expecting my father's child. Oh my gosh, and that was tough, because even my friend who went with me for the termination, I lied to her and told her it was my boyfriend's. It wasn't my boyfriend's, it was my father's child. So the next day I told my mom and my mom had just gotten a very, very bad health diagnosis. She had fallen into another depression. She couldn't nurse anymore. Her health was. It was bad, it was not good and she couldn't handle it. She didn't know which direction to go in. I think in her mind I know in her mind she's like oh my God, how do I support this child or whatever. But she's also going through all these health challenges that eventually did end her life. No matter who I tell, nobody believes me.
Speaker 2:I just started throwing stuff around and she calls my sister and my sister comes over and checks me into the psychiatric ward because I promised my sister that I would take my life. That night I made her a promise that I would not stop until it happened. And so 30 days of evaluation on a psych ward. They discharged me back home. But my counselor gives me her business card with her personal phone number on it and said if you need me, call me.
Speaker 2:So that first night home, like I didn't sleep, I had my back up against my bedroom door and my knees to my chest like this the whole night, so he couldn't come in and bother me or I'd be able to fight it. I got up the next morning, acted like I was going to school and called my counselor and said I can't do this, I can't do this anymore. And so they readmitted me in the hospital just for a couple of days, and I then became a ward of the state and spent four years in group homes and New York City group homes are no joke. It's not loving and caring, Although I had a beautiful counselor who's loving and caring and we keep in touch until this day.
Speaker 2:But it's survival. You're fighting. You literally have to throw hands to prove yourself. I had gotten beaten up so bad. One night my sister and brother-in-law had to come get me until they could have me transferred. So I decide well, I had a boyfriend at the time and wound up expecting. I was 17 and lost my college scholarship, lost my modeling contract to bring my daughter into this world, because I wanted love yeah.
Speaker 2:I just wanted love and I know that's the worst reason in the world to have a baby, but in my underdeveloped mind yeah in my I. I stopped. My emotional intelligence was stunted at 15. So I'm thinking like a 15 year old. I have my daughter and single mom did out for a while and got married and it's like every man that I was with was a different version of my father.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I kept meeting him in different bodies and went through some things with her and my mom, and my daughter was my mother's heart. And when we moved to Atlanta my mom just gave up. She didn't want to live anymore. My first child was her heart. She did not want to be here. So we found out she started sneaking vodka and stuff in her coffee and it would spike her sugar. Eventually renal failure.
Speaker 2:I did. I made it back in enough time. I got a phone call on my job. They're taking mom off life support tonight. I'm in Atlanta. I'm like, wait a minute. You told me Saturday and my sister's like, yeah, but she hasn't had brain waves in three days day. And my sister's like yeah, but she hasn't had brain waves in three days. And so I got up from my desk and I went over to my boss and I'm like I need a minute for my desk to be covered. I need a minute. They're pulling my mom off tonight. And she goes okay, go in the conference room, I'll be right. She gives me a bottle of water, go, I'll be right there. So she comes back about 10 minutes later and she said there's a ticket waiting for you at the Delta counter. There's a limousine outside for you. Here's $200.
Speaker 1:Go, oh my gosh, you've had some earthly angels.
Speaker 2:Yes, I do, I do and I have. Yes, wow, kate was definitely one of them. So what was really funny was I get to the hospital and you know how the ICUs have those glass sliding doors, and I was working for the president of First Data POS at the time. So I'm dressed in full suit with heels and stuff like that, because I didn't go home first and my heels went click, click and my mother opened her eyes.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I got chills.
Speaker 2:She knew it was me and I walked over to the side of her bed and she's trying to get the tube and I'm pulling her hands down and I'm like, and she's just crying, she's just crying, she's just crying and I'm like, mommy, I forgive you, I can't hate you, I love you. When I sat there and talked to her I was like you got another four month old little granddaughter and I'm just telling her about the baby that I just had and how she reminded me of her, and telling her about my oldest child. I'm like she's in first grade now and she's doing really good and just talking to her. But I said a prayer with her. I said because I want your spirit to be free when you cross. She knew they were taking her off and the entire time she kept her gaze on me until she flight land. My siblings that she delivered were there. He was there and she kept her eyes on me until so she was still with him.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Wow Cause she had been sick for so long she wouldn't have had health insurance. Yeah, she wouldn't have had a place to live. Her social security at the time was a couple of hundred dollars a month.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's where all that depression and confusion and things came in, and so I let her know I wasn't mad at her, I loved her, that's why I was there, and so I did get to say goodbye. I got to say goodbye.
Speaker 2:Well, see you later I thought it was goodbye, but I went through two abusive marriages. First one held me at gunpoint for three hours, begging for my life, begging for my children's lives. That was something I still can't. When they take my temperature at the doctor, I'm still not at the place yet where they can put the temperature gun right here. I have to tell them always do it on the sides, because I flashed back to having a nine millimeter held at my head for three hours. I divorced him, of course, met somebody else, thought he would have been better. He was abusive in a different way the verbal and the allowing his daughter to be the woman of the house versus me. It was a lot. But the real kicker I met in 2020. And, short of the sexual assault, he was my father. He was sent to tear me to pieces. I thought here, I think I'm making a better decision. He's a fourth grade teacher.
Speaker 2:Years ago, I swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills with hot coffee vinegar and went and laid down in the woods and went to sleep. Oh, my gosh, I did not want to be here. I was done. In fact, I remember thinking that, oh, I woke up and I'm gone because I call it the void. But while I was physically asleep, while whoever found me, whoever was, whatever work they were doing on me or whatever, my mother and my stepdad were standing at the edge of a forest and my stepdad just kept looking down. Because I'm like, I'm finally with you guys. Thank you, I'm so glad to be here.
Speaker 2:Nobody loves me on the other side, nobody cares if I live or nobody needs me, and my stepdad is going, boom, boom, no. And I look at my mother and I'm like mom, and she goes you have to go back. And I'm like mom, no. And I remember pleading with her to just let me stay, to go back. And I'm like mom, no. And I remember pleading with her to just let me stay. And she goes baby, you haven't filled your purpose yet. And I said I don't have a purpose, I was born without one. And she goes actually, your purpose begins now. And she takes her hands and pushes me and I wake up in the hospital.
Speaker 1:I have literal goosebumps all over my body.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's not something that's easy to heal from. They make you go through mandatory therapy and things like that. But I had a best friend at the time who had met a lady who does RTT hypnotherapy and it's not something that's you cannot get your certification easy for that, because you're tapping into people's subconscious. You cannot get your certification easy for that because you're tapping into people's subconscious and because it's rapid, transformational therapy, they're digging a little deeper than a regular hypnotherapist. So she took me back to each stage of my life and had me tell that version of myself that I love it and I've got it from here. She took me back to being in the womb and me choosing my mother. Why did you choose your mother? I said because she's pretty and she thinks nobody loves her and I want her to know somebody loves her. That's what I remember from that session and in that session it's recorded where my mother places her hands on my shoulders and says I did not protect you when you were younger. I will protect you fiercely from this side and I'm transferring my gifts to you. And my shoulders were red and so of course I still had a year.
Speaker 2:I was staying with my sister here in Virginia. Her partner of 20-something years had just passed and she's like I think we need each other. The truth is, she needed me because I'm the healer, and healing at her house is impossible, so she's one of those people. This is my house, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and nobody negates that or whatever when you're staying with someone else, but it's like I moved here to help you too, because you've got this six month old Cain Corso, who's crazy, and I'm the only one who can control him.
Speaker 2:So after I noticed my sister was OK, I got my apartment and, man, my mother's voice got loud. I couldn't sleep. It was undeniable. I'm like I'm in the recliner, like, okay, have I finally just lost it? Have I finally just lost it? Because I'm looking and I see this woman and I'm hearing her. Have I finally turned that corner? And that wasn't the case at all. She slowly introduced me to my ancestral team and that's when I learned my pop-up's here. I knew my daddy was here and I've got four generations of grandmothers who were all psychic.
Speaker 2:They were all psychic and people born in the 1800s would have been burned at the stake for mentioning they had such a gift. So they've all been waiting for me and they all come at different times for different reasons. It got to the point where my mother, she's mentioning these names and I'm like, okay, lady, who are these people? I've never heard these names in my life. Like I was good. Of course, my grandmother's name, her mother's name, I knew, but I'm like, okay, now we're getting into some names. I've never heard anybody say I don't even know who you're talking about Exactly.
Speaker 2:And she's like I've never heard anybody say that I don't even know who you're talking about Exactly. And she's like look up the name Jerusha. And I'm like what? And my mother's like you've got the thing, you've got the Google. Look up the name up and it's funny because it's the only headstone picture in my lineage on family search and ancestry.
Speaker 1:My fourth great grandmother back and ancestry my fourth great grandmother back.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I've lost a lot of people in my life, my children, in my relationship is not good right now, but when I tell you I have never felt so good. I've never felt so good about something that I was doing. I've never loved myself. Yeah, like just to be able to sit in front of you and say I love me, like don't cross my boundaries, because I love me first. That's foreign to me.
Speaker 2:And so two years ago, a year and a half ago, I started telling the family exactly how far the abuse went. Now, my siblings that he had before meeting my mother, they all knew. They all knew. They knew the monster he was and they literally surrounded me in the group home with love. They made sure I had passes, they made sure I had clothes, they made sure that anytime I didn't have to be in the group home I wasn't. They went through New York City, combed through all their finances where they lived, and they went through it all to be there for me, including his ex-wife, who worked for defects in Brooklyn, but I was placed in Queens but she made a phone call to make sure I got into one of the better group homes. So that side of the family surrounded me the siblings on my mother's side, till this day.
Speaker 2:When I told my brother two years ago he goes, so there's proof of this right. What, what? I literally that was literally. My reaction was like what? And I said of course there's proof. We had to go to court for me to be. I said we're from New York. What money does New York City have to take a child out of a suburban apartment with two parents? This isn't like the. Some of the southern states will remove kids for nothing. New York city doesn't do that. They don't have the money for it. They're, they're crowded. So it was then that I decided that I would never speak to my brother again yeah and then my eldest sibling, who lives a few miles from here.
Speaker 2:She kept trying to make me feel bad because my dad spanked her one time. You got to go live with our aunt and uncle on an Air Force base and grow up like a normal person. You got a spanking, I got a baby. So last year I cut her out of my life because it's like nope, I don't need people like you in my life. If you're going to blame me for what you need, to go to him. You find him in hell. Find him.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And so is that the same sister that you stayed with?
Speaker 2:No, Okay, no, I never would stay in her house, no. And my sister, who I stayed with? I never wanted to tell her because I never wanted my hurt to become her hurt. Yeah, because, even though my sister didn't realize, she resented me her whole life. I knew that she loved me in her way. You know what I mean and I didn't want her to feel that pain, but she betrayed me so deeply. In November she had my children and grandchildren here for Thanksgiving and I'm not in contact with my children or my grandchildren. Her, my children, their requests, they asked for space and she's like's like. Well, I'm just trying to get back to normal and I said to her when were my kids ever included in your Thanksgiving? Normal, they've never spent one Thanksgiving at your house yeah and that betrayal was so deep but so necessary.
Speaker 2:Because I remember I was sitting here in the middle of the night one night and normally I would never text her before 7am. It was three something and I belted out a text message telling her you have resented me your whole life. I can't blame you because mom threw me on you sometimes there's eight years between us, I said but you have contributed to me hating myself more than anybody in this family. I do not see myself as worthy of anything because of you and I have tried to live up to your standards. And I said to her I even tried to relieve this family of me and it didn't work. I said so while you guys are living your best life, I'm getting seizures and medical diagnosis after medical diagnosis. I'm getting seizures and medical diagnosis after medical diagnosis. I'm done. I said I am done. This family secrets are done. I am going to share them with the world and I really don't care. And I gave her an option you can be part of my life and be respectful, or you could be like everybody else. And I said to her once my children went no contact, everybody's expendable. Because if I can wake up every day and try to find a reason to live without my hearts, then you guys mean nothing.
Speaker 2:And our relationship has changed drastically. She notices it. We used to hang out every weekend. We used to call each other every couple of days. She would call me every day when she was walking with lunchtime or whatever, and I pulled my energy completely back. So we see each other maybe once a month. Now we text each other maybe twice a week.
Speaker 2:It's changed dramatically because that betrayal was just way too deep. I had to look at my children's location two miles from my house. It was too deep Like. I forgive her, but she's no longer in the box she used to be in. You know what I mean. She's now on the outside box.
Speaker 2:When we speak, I don't tell her anything I'm doing. She knows that I'll be a published author this year, but she has no idea what I'm writing about Nothing. She doesn't know about the podcast. She knows about nothing. When we're together, I let her talk. She was the last person I had to stand up for to start believing in myself and setting boundaries stories, and since then I've been sharing my story. I even received a message last week and I get emotional from a man who said I was going to take my life and I saw you on a podcast and I've decided to stay, and so when you hear things like that, it makes this occasional loneliness worth it, because that's how you know you're living in your full purpose, when you're touching people's hearts and guiding them along and holding their hands. That's how you're living in divine purpose, absolutely. And so there's always a party here in my living room every night. They let me sleep more now, but I still don't get sleep at night like normal people, because you know that's when their energies can be the strongest, because there's not so much noise and stuff around.
Speaker 2:My mother's always on my right side, always. She never leaves my right side and if she does, it usually means something's wrong with one of the girls, because I left her urn at their house One of those little intentional accidents so that she had a connection to be there with them as well. But I wouldn't trade my life for the world right now. I would love if my children were in it, but I had a lot of healing to do and they don't know what healed mom looks like. You know what I mean. They don't know what healthy mom looks like. They know what traumatized mom looks like, and they've got some healing to do. But I learned recently that at least they're all together now. My daughter, my eldest child, used to live in California. I found out her and the grandbabies moved back to Atlanta. So it does my heart good because I always raise them. You guys have to be there for each other, because when I'm gone you only have each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's that all the time. These are the people that are going to be here, no matter what. Forever gets that all the time.
Speaker 2:These are the people that are going to be here, no matter what, forever, exactly. So while it hurts my heart sometimes, it makes my heart full in the same sentence that they're together. They're not fighting each other like they used to. They are together, so I'm really grateful for that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I feel like sometimes we have to figure out how life happened for us and not to us. I just feel like all of those moments just felt like the dark time that you were going through needed to happen in order for you to get to this beautiful healed, and always healing, because I feel like we're always evolving this beautiful, healed self and come to peace with a lot of the things and understand that like when there's dis ease in the body it creates disease and a lot of the things that maybe your mom, that guilt that caused additional issues in her body, that, unfortunately, when you don't heal from those things, they eat you alive.
Speaker 1:They literally eat you alive, literally eat you alive. And that's hard to understand, especially when you're in the muck of it and everything is happening and you're like, oh my God, why is this happening to me? And I've found myself many times in those situations where I'm like wait, like if I've already survived my worst day, that means that there's a purpose. So where can I find the blessings in this?
Speaker 1:And then I start naming the things that have come from it and like the blessings that this. And then I start naming the things that have come from it and like the blessings that have come from. I was sexually assaulted at 16 as well, and from that I stayed quiet, didn't say anything to anybody. And by the time I was 18 and got my first well woman checkup, I had cervical cancer and it came back at 19. And it caused depression and I finally spoke up and said something about it and I was also told at the same time that I was like gonna deal with infertility. So I got married and it was just like this little by little chipping away or things that happened that I could have continued to spiral down and when I was finally 32 years old that I had the cancer come back twice that year and I decided that no, I needed to get healthy.
Speaker 1:I was a single mom of three kids. I needed to do something for my life to switch that and I started to learn about personal growth and personal development and healing modality, like different healing modalities. I remember declaring 2018 the year of me and I got certified in Reiki one and Reiki two later on, and things that I was like I got into coaching programs. I was just like I'm going to do anything and everything to put my oxygen mask on first and take care of me first, because if I can't do that, then I can't be here for anybody else.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And little by little, I've seen this evolved, healed version of myself and I'm like, I'm so grateful.
Speaker 2:Doesn't it keep you in awe sometimes? Wow, this is really me, this is really my life, this really happened.
Speaker 1:I really did the thing.
Speaker 2:I really did that thing, I really did it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, absolutely, it's mind boggling, it really is. And when we have the moment to like close our eyes and take a deep breath and understand that we've already survived our worst day and we are still here, there's a greater purpose for our life. Exactly, exactly. It's just become, like my youngest daughter's, hard to deal with the fact that you fractured your foot and your, or your ankle and your knee, and then we found out that she has a herniated disc, that it's going to follow her for the rest of her life. And I said I'm still so grateful that you're here and you've already survived your worst day. Was this a really tough year? Absolutely, and mentally and emotionally and physically? Yes, absolutely, but this has also shown you how strong you actually are.
Speaker 2:And things that you I love. That. That's the part about it I love when you look back and you're like I survived, I'm strong, like how did I get through that? When I don't try to make it look pretty. There were nights where I was sitting on the floor like this, like I don't know if I'm going to make it. Guys, I don't know if I'm going to make it, but I've made it, yeah. And like you said, healing is, it's continuous. We never stop healing. You know, as long as we're in this realm, we never stop healing. But healing from those major things that hurt my children and that affected their lives yeah, that's done and that I'm proud of and I just let them be. I just let them be. They need some time. I let them be Because, in their eyes, I tried to take my life over a man, whereas it wasn't that I tried to take my life over him. It was 47 years of fighting for my life from the time I was in the womb and I was just tired. He was just icing on the cake.
Speaker 1:It would have happened. He was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Speaker 2:Exactly yes, he was just that it would have happened later anyway, because I was always giving, I was always running here and doing this and doing that and never really I remember things I would say yes to. And I'm screaming on the inside I don't want to do this. No, I don't want to do this, but I didn't have boundaries. Yeah, I had no boundaries. So I try to cross my boundaries now and the only thing I tell people is this won't end well for you. I had no boundaries, so try to cross my boundaries now. And the only thing I tell people is this won't end well for you, I'll be fine.
Speaker 2:This won't end well for you though. Yeah, absolutely, because after you learn what a healthy boundary is healthy ones, not the ones that keep us safe in our little cocoons healthy boundaries Like, I don't over-explain myself anymore when I say no, that's it, it's not no because it's no. I don't take disrespect anymore. You're not going to talk to me on a phone that I pay for disrespectfully, I release you with love and I live in my own world. I don't ask anybody for anything. I've got maybe three friends left, but you know what anybody for anything. I've got maybe three friends left, but you know what? I know they're troopers. I know they're troopers. I know they would never turn their backs on me and I know they were there for the thick of it. They were there when I was going through the worst of it. Two of my friends have the Alexa drop-in. They have that feature because there were nights. They were concerned and I would tell them I'm not going to do anything, but just to put their mind at ease, I was like here you can talk through my house all you want. I'm going to hear it, no matter what room I'm in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I learned I could live alone because since I had my daughter in high school. I've never lived alone, yeah, and I learned I'm creative. I've never lived alone, yeah, and I learned I'm creative. I did not know that. I liked to redo furniture and do all those DIY projects. Like, I have a whole flower wall, a whole living wall in my apartment. It was my first project. I've learned so much about me.
Speaker 1:Isn't that the most amazing thing? Rediscovering who the heck you even are, because you, for the whole of your life, you were in this protective mode.
Speaker 2:Survival.
Speaker 1:Survival, and it's like the fight or flight mode and for so long and you didn't know anything else and you didn't know that, like you had so much in you and so, yeah, you rediscover who the heck you are and it's such a beautiful, I say I honestly say I discovered who I am because I never knew who I was to begin with my voice.
Speaker 2:When they did hypnosis therapy on me when I was 26, every session was a hypnosis session and at the end my therapist said he started touching you when you were two, so I never knew who I was. I was silenced as a toddler before I was even out of diapers. Now everyone knows. I don't care. I'm sure at some point the cousins and the aunts will have something to say about it. And it's you. Grew up with him, you should know. Yeah, but I feel free.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's this like weight off of your shoulders, off of your life, your chest I lost weight.
Speaker 2:I lost physical weight life your chest I lost weight. I lost physical weight. Yeah, that happens. I no longer had to be this for this person, this for this person, this for this person, but never for me. When I remember a few times saying what about me? And my kids would say things like don't make everything about you and it wasn't that I was trying to make everything about me, but I wanted something to be about me right.
Speaker 2:Anything, anything, yeah. So, and don't get me wrong, I'm proud of them. They are three remarkable women and I say in every podcast they are so brave to have stood up to me as their only parent for my two youngest children, my oldest daughter's father's in her life. But to stand up to your only parent and say, enough, I can't take anymore, enough, my God. Like my children, they don't know. They're my heroes. Yeah, that's beautiful. One day they will. One day, hey, I'm all over the internet now, so they're bound to see something. That's, if my grandkids aren't on youtube one day, like, hey, there's nana, but they're my heroes. They are everything I never was. They were everything that I could never be in those years. So I applaud them for taking the stance.
Speaker 1:They are the strong women that you portrayed yourself to be in front of them, so that they were shielded from a lot.
Speaker 2:I would imagine.
Speaker 1:Yes, very true, very true. Because if it's to the point that they think that you try to take your own life for a man, that means that you probably shielded them first from so much I did, and you were such a strong idol in their eyes that they were like who is this? This is not what I'm used to. So I think that one day they'll and I think people just need time, and the fact that you're giving it to them is beautiful in itself.
Speaker 2:I'm not one of those Gen X parents who are going to be out here saying I'm your mother, you're supposed to know I made mistakes, you were traumatized behind my mistakes. It doesn't matter the why, right? It doesn't matter that my emotional intelligence at the time was that of a 16 year old. They don't care about that. They care about this still happened to me. This is still my truth, and so I don't take their truth from them. Their truth is their truth. I'm never going to take that from them.
Speaker 2:Whatever they feel I was or was not is their truth and I receive it and I accept it and I accept what comes with it. I have to be accountable for it. So that means, if they come back into my life, my God, great right. It would be beautiful. But if they don't, that's their choice, because that was their truth and I think a lot of us parents, because a lot of us are going through this now I found out. A lot of us parents need to sit back and take accountability and not oh well, when I was your age, my parents didn't know where I was from 7 am to 10 pm. At least I track your phone. No, that doesn't matter, they don't know that era, they've never lived in that era.
Speaker 1:I feel like even like I've even evolved very much as a parent from my oldest daughter to my youngest daughter. So my oldest is 20 and my youngest is 15 and my son in the middle of that is 18. And I feel like I'm a very vastly different parent to my 15 year old than I was to my 20 year old. But they don't come with a manual and I was doing the best that I could. And that's, I think, where we as children don't understand. So when I look back and I think that you saw this within your mom as well when you look back and you're like that wasn't who I needed you to show up, to be like, so we find this resentment and then we figure out when we're parents. We figure out that, holy heck, they didn't even have a clue what they were doing. They were doing the best. Because I doubt that they wake up and like how can I make this? No manual? That comes with this with each child, because my kids are all different, so different, so different.
Speaker 1:When my ex-boyfriend passed away at the time we weren't together, but we were still best friends and he had been in my kid's life for six years and that was their stepdad for the longest time and I remember he actually lived in Atlanta at the time and two weeks before he passed away he FaceTimed us and he's like I miss you guys. And they were so excited they got to tell him all the things, get him up to date with everything that was happening in their life. And when they handed the phone back to me he was in tears because he's like I just miss you guys so much and I'm like well, you know that you always have an open door and so in my mind, and I think in their mind, that was who I was going to grow old with, right? So it didn't matter that we weren't together at the moment, it was totally fine.
Speaker 1:And then two weeks later I get that call that he had a massive heart attack. Well, we didn't even know that he just passed away. It felt like my whole blueprint was gone, like what the heck is my life gonna look like now and how everything it just it felt like the most devastating thing. How do you tell three little kids that someone that they love and adore so much, that they just talked to, is no longer here? Love and adore so much, that they just talked to is no longer here, and it was unexpected. Right, he was 35 years old and got a massive heart attack. It just doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense right so, and he was healthy.
Speaker 1:He worked out like all of these things that would not indicate that this was going to happen. And so I tell each of them individually. And all three of them had very, very different reactions and all three of them grieved very differently. One was like completely shut down, no emotions at all, and that was my oldest and I was super shocked because she was super close to him and later she's like mom. I still see him and I was like what fully blew my mind. And then my son cried and was so hurt. And then his way of grieving is by remembering. Do you remember when daddy Espan did this? Do you remember when we did this with daddy? That was his way of grieving is by remembering. Do you remember when Daddy Espan did this? Do you remember when we did this with Daddy?
Speaker 2:Espan.
Speaker 1:That was his way. So I was grieving the loss of what I thought was the love of my life and I think still to this day, one of the greatest loves of my life. And then the little one completely collapsed Because to her she had him since she was three Right, and she collapsed and till this day like still feels like that void of him. And so there's no manual on how each of them are going to react to anything, and I've evolved as a parent, so situations that I went through with my oldest that I was very reactionary to, I was too my first child.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't know any better. I just knew that this was not okay. And you're doing something that's not okay and this is my reaction to it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That's it. Same situation five years later with my youngest, and I'm like, all right, let me go and let her finish sleeping, let her wake up. I found a phone in her room that was not supposed to be there and I went, I meditated and I worked out and I got right with me and then I had a conversation with her. Right, he was full expecting the reaction that I did with that was what she was expecting, and she was so thrown off when I was like so what do you think your consequence should be? With this and having a conversation with her, and he's like oh my god, I don't know what you're trying to tell, I don't know what you want me to tell you.
Speaker 1:It might be what you're trying to get from me with this. I don't know and I was like, well, if you're not gonna put any input, then I'll figure something out. I could be creative, but I'm requesting your input on it. And so it was very interesting, and in that moment I looked at myself and I was like, wow, maria, you have grown as a parent. Your children are getting a totally different version of you and a more healed version of you, because it doesn't feel like they're doing this to me, right, and it's like I'm learning to evolve with just learning as a parent.
Speaker 1:This way didn't work, however, I have a beautiful relationship with my oldest daughter now, and two years ago it was just always fighting and before went before she left, and then she graduated and two days later she left my house and I all I told her was I hope I'm just. I just pray to God that you prove me and everyone else wrong, right, because that means that you are ready and you and even if you weren't, you'll figure it out. And she's still not home. So I told her it was like I think it was like two days ago. I got the facebook memory of, like the heartbreaking post about it and because I'm very authentic and very real. So if I'm going through something, my friends or the people that follow me know that I'm going through it and I try to say listen, my life isn't perfect. I go through things, but you're going to always authentically get me.
Speaker 1:Exactly always authentically get me exactly. And when I saw that Facebook memory, I sent it to her and I was like all I just want to say is that I'm proud of you and we have a great relationship. She before she, couldn't even let me touch her, hug her, anything like that's me and my youngest.
Speaker 1:I wasn't allowed and she could, she couldn't. And now she calls me. She's like mom, can you come over? I just need a hug. And I'm like, yes, I'm running that way. So it's beautiful, it's learning, right, that things can get better, that you can evolve, that they can see oh, mom was right, life isn't easy. This whole working thing and bills thing is not for the light of heart.
Speaker 1:And not today, and not in today's economy Exactly, and it's so funny how, when we heal from so many things, so many things, how we evolve and how we can learn that. Okay, maybe this wasn't.
Speaker 2:I wasn't the best, but I tried my best. And that's the thing I always say that I know that I gave my children all that I had in me. It still doesn't excuse the behavior me. It still doesn't excuse the behavior. It still doesn't excuse me not healing 31 years ago. Yeah, but I know that was all that I had to give because so much had been taken from me as a child. You know what I mean. I was a child having children.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah, I told my daughter now because she's engaged, and I was like she's 20 years old. I was like wait until you're 25 25, you can get married, have kids after that.
Speaker 2:Just wait, just because you're a child I had my last one at 25 I did so like I was a child, bringing these children, more children, into the picture. Right, I have three daughters. I'm bringing more into the picture. Right, I have three daughters. I'm bringing more into the picture, and I did.
Speaker 2:There was some resentment actually between the eldest and the two youngest, because the eldest always said that they didn't go through what she went through. And while that's true, they had it harder because for 11 years of her life she had healthy, working mom. She had mom who worked for the White House. She got to walk through the White House when it was closed to the entire world. She had mom who could be at this and at that function and not living in pain. They had post car wreck mom. They had kidney failure mom. They had epilepsy mom. So my feelings are they had it a hell of a lot worse because they were mini caretakers. It was just the three of us for most of that time. So our children, like you said, they're very different. Mine is the youngest who, since she was like 14 years old, don't touch me, don't touch you but I watched her hug my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, I watched her hug everybody else and I remember seeing that and I'm like he's just my boyfriend, I'm your mom.
Speaker 1:But it was almost like I was diseased. One of my best friends is actually going through that with her child and I told her. A counselor once told me, maria, the reason that she is so hard on you is because you are her unconditional. You will always and forever be the person that she knows, that she could do whatever, and you will still unconditionally love her girl, that was just.
Speaker 1:You just dropped a bomb because even in today, where they hate me and talk about me like a dog, you are still love them unconditionally yeah, and when she said that, it made so much sense to me because, aside from the fact that they have a great father, he wasn't there all the time, and when she would have her episodes and I would call, he would be like, well, tell her to call me when she's better and like, at that point I don't need you.
Speaker 2:I don't need you then when she calms down. I need you now exactly so.
Speaker 1:I think that she took everything out on me because she knew that, no matter what, I was always there, no matter what she could pull my hair out, hit me, bite me, because we went through it and still I would. Still I love you and I will always be here for you. And I always showed up and I, like, I'd never abandoned her. And that was her thought process of like, okay, no matter what, mom will always be here for me and mom will always love me unconditionally, no matter what I do. And that I think that's where my thought process started to shift with okay, I'm going to allow her to have her space and let her heal and her love language is physical touch my oldest but she would not physically touch me Right or allow me to physically give her a hug or anything like that for the longest time.
Speaker 1:And it felt very off, because my mom's love language is not physical touch, it's more acts of service. My dad was like physical touch, that was the one that would hug me and the kisses in the morning, that's where I got it from. Mine, like that's where I thrive is a hug, a handhold, whatever. And so the fact that my daughter's love language was the same as mine and she was the closest girl to me right female and then my mom.
Speaker 1:Even if we didn't have the same love language, both of them didn't hug me. It then became like what's wrong with me? Is it me, and that's what I had to heal through and work through myself, and why am I not worthy of their love? And these are two very important females in my life, right, and so it plays such a big part in that psychologically, but it's so beautiful to see the relationship now, right, right. So hold on to that hope, mama, because we got a teeny bit of hope.
Speaker 2:We got a teeny bit of hope, but, like I said, I believe in reality too, and the reality of it is it's their decision at the end of the day whether they see me talking on podcast or I don't send them anything that tells them like what I'm doing. I will send them a signed copy of the book, just because and it's an anthology book, so my part is small, but it sums up my healing journey for the last two and a half years, which is where they've not been a part of you know what I mean, so they'll be able to read my thoughts and see what it took for me to get from mom who's freaking out because now she doesn't have control and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, to mom who's like you know what.
Speaker 2:They're grown women paying their own bills. They can make their own decisions. They have good judgment and it is what it is. I own my CRA. I just own it, and I will never force myself on my children again. I will never try to make them feel bad on your mother. So what? You were toxic. Yeah, period, you were toxic. And again, in their eyes, I tried to take my life over a man, not knowing. No, and they also don't know what was going on there. My middle daughter was starting to catch on. She was starting to catch on. They think, oh, he's just a nice guy, he's a fourth grade teacher. You know what I mean. He's got this incredible son and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What's wrong with with mom? They don't know what I went through in that house yeah they still till this day don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't think they know about me being pregnant at 15 by my dad. I don't think I ever. I do have epilepsy, so I do have some memory lapse, but I don't really think I ever shared how far it went. They knew that I was abused, but I don't think I ever shared with them just how far it went. Yeah, so, whatever their decision is, I support them.
Speaker 2:I did message my middle daughter the other day and I said wow, I saw she's a baker in Atlanta, she has her own business and I was on Facebook. I saw she's a baker in Atlanta, she has her own business and I was on Facebook and I'm still an administrator for her page. So I was literally going in because I have my page, I have my business page and I was just trying to get the notifications off and usually if I just click it'll take me to the feed, not her page. So I was just trying to click to get all the notifications cleared and of course it showed the event that she had done that weekend and I sent her a message and I said I'm really proud of you, you look really good and I'm proud of you. Just so she knew.
Speaker 2:And it's not that I'm lurking or watching or anything like that. I do everything in my power to avoid knowing anything about them. I don't allow my sister to tell me anything, because I told her they have my number. They are my children, they have my number and if they want to share something with me, they know they still have access, because anytime like when one of them lost the Costco card, she sent me the text hey, I'm going to switch the e-card over to my phone so we can go to Costco.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. We have very business-like text. So if they can message me for that, if they want to talk to me, they can, and if or when they're ready, I'll be here. But there's a difference in mom. Now You're not going to be screaming at me. You're not going to be cussing at me because I'm not going to do that to you. We can come to the table like four grown women and iron out our differences. I won't even pull the mother. You don't even have to call me mom at this point. But we come with respect or we don't come at all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's for me and for them, because my eldest has a habit of spewing nasty obscenities, yeah, towards me. So I had to take a break from her because it's like no, you're not, I'm done with this. I've kissed your butt for 15 years. I've tried to make our relationship work. For 15 years. I've tried to redo and undo and I'm tired of fighting. I'm getting of fighting, I'm getting sick. She uses she does use my grandbabies as a pawn.
Speaker 2:So, even though I've never done anything to the grandchildren, anything they've ever called and asked me for it was in Cash App 30 seconds later. I used to have every morning, every Friday morning, I would do the Friday song, and you mentioned he lived in Atlanta. So had you ever listened to the Friday song? And you mentioned he lived in Atlanta? So had you ever listened to the Friday song? No, so it's this really cute song and it says Friday. It's Friday, is the end of the week, it's the last day. Yo, you say the person's name, it's on you what you gonna do. And so I used to call and sing the Friday song with them every Friday. And I called one day and didn't realize she had gone back to work because she was out sick for a little while and she tells me I call my grandson Noodle. She's like call Noodle's phone.
Speaker 2:And then I realized, between my upgrades and me dropping my phone, I had not only lost business contacts, but I had lost my grandchildren's numbers too. And I'm like I don't have the numbers. And she's like why can't you just keep up with the numbers like the other grandkids, grandparents? I lost business contacts when I went to Atlanta. I had to meet up with my friend to give me business contacts back, because these phones just do things sometimes. The last numbers I would want to lose would be my grandbabies, but no access to them at all.
Speaker 2:I was told that I didn't get a Mother's Day text because I am the sorriest excuse for a mother or grandparent that has ever walked this earth. And it was in that moment that I took a deep breath and I said you know what? Thank you for your time, I appreciate you talking to me today and I hung up the phone. What else is there to say after that? You know what I mean, because the only thing that would have been acceptable would have been groveling and begging and giving in. And it was just when I had started to love myself and it was like I accept this as your truth about me.
Speaker 2:Your truth about me it's not that I accept that I was the sorriest excuse, because I know parents who are 10 million. If you want me to be real, without me getting slapped by this lady over here, my mom when she was alive, my mother was the most beautiful woman in the world. She could put a smile on anyone's face, but my mom shouldn't have had kids. She should not have had children and losing my pop pop she was a daddy's girl, so losing my pop pop really impacted her, and not in a good way. So they know that example. They know about their grandmother. They know about what I wasn't protected from maybe not as far as the pregnancy, but they know, and I did everything in my power to make sure those things that happened to me as a child didn't happen to them.
Speaker 2:I did everything in my power to give them the experiences I never had, like having their own rooms and painting their rooms and doing fun stuff like that, or me running up and down the field despite I've got a back brace on underneath my clothing because I've only been out of back surgery a couple of weeks, but I'm running up and down the field being the loudest parent. That's my baby. Yes, run, do it, because I had a. My oldest was on the drum line, my middle child was section leader for flute and piccolo in marching band and my youngest child was in color guard and they my last two children competed nationally and I was always trying to be the one that was there.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean, no matter how much pain I was in, whether I had a seizure that day or not, I did the best I could, but this body sometimes just did not want to act right, despite my mind wanting to do different things.
Speaker 2:So they have some growing up to do. They've got to realize that I'm a human being, I'm one person. And I remember the very last conversation I had with my middle child before everybody went no contact. She's like parents are supposed to help their kids and I said I just filed bankruptcy, yet I left my car in Atlanta with you and I commuted four hours a day to a part time job here on the train and for me it was like that's all I had left to give. I didn't own anything else. I wasn't rich, I wasn't making a lot of money, but I gave her all that I had. So they've got some growing up to do, but I'm just glad they're together and hopefully at some point we can come back together as respectful women not as moms and daughters at first and just respect each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Together. I light white candles for them every day. Every day They've got a white candle burning in front of their picture and I hug their photos and kiss them and tell them I love you and you know, I know your Nana's protecting you, just like she's protecting me. I keep I don't know if you can see sparkles back there Sparkles. My granddaughter bought me sparkles and told me that sparkles has to stay wherever I spend the most time. So you see where I spend the most time, right.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:Sparkles is visible because I never want her. If she does, grace YouTube, get on the wrong side of YouTube one day and see her, Nana, she'll be like.
Speaker 2:Nana kept Sparkles and then, whenever I'm wearing purple or blue, I wear the Swarovski crystal necklace that my noodle got for me. So I keep there's pictures of my kids all over the house. There's pictures of my grandkids all over the house. I keep them with me and I protect them as I can while I'm giving them their space and while I continue to evolve and heal and share my story and help others, because I don't ever want anyone to wake up and feel the way I felt on March 19th 2022. That's my thing. I never want anyone to feel that level of worthlessness. I know I keep using that word, but that's the only word that really describes it worthlessness that I felt on march 19th 2022.
Speaker 1:So we're gonna keep so proud of just the evolution of this healed version of you, because you had a lot to not to to heal from, and and I've done it a lot and, honestly, sometimes that's the best way.
Speaker 1:I agree that you can fully embrace all parts. I agree and be grateful for all parts, because there was the anger, is the person, is the part of you that that knows your worth, and the sadness, and they're all parts of you that are worthy of their space, and that's definitely something that I've had to learn myself.
Speaker 2:So sometimes I had to learn how to love my darkness and bring it into the light. Yes, absolutely so. Those things that those imperfections or faults or whatever anybody wants to label them I love them. I work on them daily. If somebody points something out to me, then I'm hardest on myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I love me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, In all of this I found something inside of me to love.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful. It took 48 years, yeah, but I finally love me.
Speaker 1:I love that. So what I want to hear really quickly about your mentorship program, and then we can wrap up from there.
Speaker 2:Awesome. I just created an 8 to 12 week mentorship program. It's called Intuitive Illumination leading you through your darkness into your light, and it's a combination of different healing modalities, journaling and, of course, I'm using Oracle and Tarot to bridge the two worlds, because sometimes a lot of people's pain is the grief that comes with not knowing the loved ones are right there with them. So I just created that program. Anybody can go on my website and book a consultation book, a reading Dana's on there for tarot readings, because I'm moving more into the coaching space. Just because of the energy I can read tarot but it wipes me out for a couple of days, usually followed by a seizure. But that's what I'm doing now.
Speaker 2:I've got free resources on my website for those who may be facing or in a covert narcissistic relationship where you're starting to question your sanity. I've got resources. There's one upload that's already there 15 traits that are common to covert narcissism, and I've got domestic violence awareness numbers on the last page. I just created an ebook this morning on how to create a safe plan for you to leave someone with narcissistic traits. So that upload will be going up by the end of the week, which is two days away after I edit it and make it pretty. And yeah, I'm just out here trying to bridge people from their darkness so that they don't have to do it all alone, like I did.
Speaker 1:I love that. I love that so much. Thank you. So I will put all of the information for that in the show notes Listeners. Wow, was I not telling you that this would be impactful? I am so honored that you were here today to just give us your story and I'm so grateful. I can't wait for the book to come out.
Speaker 1:We'll also put all the information as soon as we have it. And yeah, I'm so, so honored to have met you and thank you so much for jumping on today and listeners, thank you for listening to this incredible, incredible story of healing and I hope you have all an amazing day. Peace out, guys, love your life, bye.
