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Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
Maria highlights stories of people that have been the "less than 1% chance" and have come out of their situations thriving and seeing life as happening FOR them and not TO them! Inspiring and empowering stories that will show you that against all odds you can make it through anything!
Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
I Took Off The Thorny Blanket And My Ego Had A Meltdown with Terri Kozlowski
What if the real shift isn’t “why me” but “now what”? We sit down with author and coach Terri Kozlowski to unpack how a childhood marked by sexual trauma and abandonment transformed into a life of awareness, courage, and purpose. Terri shares the moment her father asked the question that would change everything, the difference between guilt and shame, and why speaking the truth dissolves secrets that keep us small.
Together, we explore the messy, human process of healing. Terri’s “thorny blanket” metaphor reveals why victimhood can feel comfortable and why taking it off hurts before it helps. She walks us through identifying triggers, replacing fear with choice, and reframing perfectionism as armor that dims our light. We talk about the body’s alarms—stomach aches, ruptured appendix, peritonitis—and how those “Mack truck” moments force the pause we resist. From working among those who resembled her abusers to redefining alcohol in safe contexts, Terri shows how exposure, boundaries, and compassion can retrain a protective nervous system.
Parenting becomes a laboratory for breaking cycles. We compare notes on ending generational trauma with presence, clear consequences, and daily “I am” statements that anchor self-worth: I am safe, I am worthy, I am enough. There’s no manual for kids because each child is one-of-one; the real manual is written in relationship. Terri's morning rituals—meditation, journaling, intentional language—set a higher frequency that steadies the day. The takeaway is simple and powerful: awareness is the hardest step, community is essential, and self-forgiveness opens the door to authentic living.
If this conversation resonates, follow the show, share it with someone who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find these stories. Your next brave step could start with one question: now what?
Connect with Terri:
Facebook Group: Soul Solutions for Survivors & Overcomers
Twitter: @tmkozlowski
LinkedIn: Terri Kozlowski
Youtube: @KozmicSoulSolutions
Pinterest: @terrikozlowski
Tiktok: @terrikozlowski?lang=en
Instagram: @terrikozlowski
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Welcome back to the Against All Odds, the Less than 1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte. Where we will hear stories of incredible people thriving against all odds. And my hope is that we can all see how life is completely happy for us, even when we are the less than 1% chance.
SPEAKER_01:Hey, hey, welcome back to Against All Odds, the Less than 1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte. I'm so excited to have you guys back for another amazing conversation. I'm going to introduce really quickly our guest so that we can just jump into this chat because I know that it's going to be amazing. So this is Terry Kozlaski.
SPEAKER_03:Very good.
SPEAKER_01:Oh yay. She is an author speaker and life coach who turned a story of childhood trauma, abandonment, and fear into one of awareness, empowerment, and purpose. A proud Native American from the Athabascan. Thank you. I'm like so excited that I even got that. Terry grew up in poverty and faced years of silence before finding courage to share her truth. Her journey from survival to self-trust led her to write Raven Transcending Fear and Soul Solutions for Awakening Awareness. And now she helps others transform their pain into strength, live authentically without fear. Welcome to Against All Odds, Terry. I'm so excited to have you here today.
SPEAKER_03:Thank you very much, Maria. I'm excited to be here.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So give us a little bit of background. What is your Against All Odds story? And how have you gotten to where you are today?
SPEAKER_03:So, like many, sadly, like many females, I grew up with child sexual trauma. It occurred when I was 11 years old, and it was allowed to happen by my mom. My mom instigated it. And what I mean by that is she was an alcoholic and a drug user, and she sold my innocence to three men for drugs. After that, she disappeared for three days, left me and my baby sister alone. And during that period of time, my sister was drugged. She's 11 months younger than me. She was drugged and slept for three days. When she woke up, she was hungry. I fed her, and then my mom showed up like nothing had happened and sent us off to the grocery store. And when we came back, she had her suitcases out on the front stoop because we were visiting my mother for summer break. This was in the early 80s. My dad had custody of my sister and I after the divorce. He was the first man in the state of Maryland to gain custody of two small girls. Oh wow. It was unheard of in the late 70s. And so we were visiting my mom. She put our suitcases on the front stoop, said it was time for us to go home, went inside, locked the door. And my sister and I are now standing on the streets of Albuquerque, New Mexico, 3,000 miles away from my dad. And my sister starts crying. And the last thing my dad said to me before we went on this trip was that I was supposed to take care of my baby sister. That clicked inside my head. And my egoic mind woke up and decided that was my mission. And I had to take care of my baby sister. So we made a plan and we got to my mother's best friend's house, called my dad, said, told him what happened, said it was time for us to come home. And next day we were on an airplane back to Pennsylvania. I got off the airplane very calmly, walked up to my dad, and again, this is the early 80s. I said, Daddy, we need therapy. I'm 11. I shouldn't know what therapy is. But there were I had presence, an unknowing presence that something bad happened. Back then, I at 11, I didn't know what sex was. Okay, that we did not have the talk about sex in the early 80s when you're 11. Yeah. So I didn't know what sex was. I didn't know exactly what happened. I knew it was bad. I knew it wasn't my fault. And I knew I needed help. So my dad got me into therapy. They did not know what to do with me. This is before Oprah Winfrey came out about her child sexual trauma, which by the way was the first time I had thought that that I found out anybody else on the planet that this had happened to was me watching Oprah and her coming out with her story. So up until that time, I believed I was the only person on the planet that happened to, because this was something that was absolutely not talked about. And I was very terrified of everything. If you can't trust your mother, who can you trust? Yeah. So I had the trust issues, I had abandonment issues, then I, of course, I had trauma issues, I had all these issues that were going on, and I was a terrified little girl. And we now know that when you have childhood trauma as substantial as I did, that you quit growing psychologically, you stay at 11. I stayed at 11. And the idea is that as we grow, we're supposed to update our software and our brains. At 20, you're supposed to update your software because you are no longer a teenager. You now are a young adult and you have to go through life with a different mindset. When you turn 30, you need to upgrade the software because now, most likely, you have a family and you have to up and you're a professional. So now you have to update your software. And every 10 years, I believe you should update your software. I wasn't updating my software, I didn't know how to update my software because my egoic mind took over, which is its job. Its job is to protect. Yeah, and it did a hell of a job of protecting me. I stayed fearful about everything and everybody. Everything is about staying safe. So you don't make connections with others because you can't trust them. You feel lonely because you're not making connections. You wallow, and back then, therapy did one of two things. It either allowed you to wallow and revisited the trauma over and over and over again. So you were re-traumatized, or in my case, they didn't ever talk about the trauma. So I learned in therapy, it's very different now, so I'm not knocking therapy. Yeah. Back then, I went to learn how I needed to put on masks and armor so that everybody around me was okay. Yeah, it wasn't about me being okay, it was about everybody else around me.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, making everyone else comfortable.
SPEAKER_03:Correct. And I learned that very, very well as I suffered silently.
SPEAKER_01:That's so tough. I grew up in a very Hispanic Catholic background, and we didn't talk about that kind of stuff either. And when I I was sexually assaulted at 16, I kept it to myself for three years. And once when I finally broke and told them that's the day that I also left my house, but it was because I had started to go to therapy on my own. And I was 19 years old, and I just I knew I innately knew that wasn't my fault, and the insults came and so forth because that's where their protective brain goes, right? What did you do? And to this day, I could probably say that it was mentioned two other times by me, not by them. They would have never wanted to touch that subject ever again to make themselves feel comfortable. And I'm just not that way anymore. I'm very open with my story because of that, because I feel like it isn't any it isn't my job to make anyone else feel comfortable. It's I feel like it's it became my purpose to share my story so other people don't feel alone because I felt all alone, no one else was going through this. So in my brain, I was dealing with this all by myself, and it created so much dis ease in my body that it then created disease. I had cervical cancer at 18. So it was all this suppressing all of the bad stuff that that my body was like, no, no, no, we can't handle all of this, and so yeah, it's crazy what we have to do to make everyone else feel better about their life.
SPEAKER_03:So one of the things that I realized I knew it wasn't my fault. Okay, so I came back knowing that. I also never felt alone because I always felt that God's spirit, whatever you want to call that, the universe was with me. And then, of course, God and I had arguments during my teen years because I focused on the wrong question, which is why me.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Why did my mother hate me? Why did this happen to me? Why can't you know why, why, why? And the reality is if we really honestly look at that question, it doesn't matter what the answer is, it's never acceptable.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_03:Even my mother was a drug addict, she was an alcoholic, she had her own trauma, she suffered, but that doesn't give her the right to allow it to happen to me and not to protect me from it. So it doesn't matter what the excuse is or what others say the reason why it happened, it wasn't because of the clothing I was wearing, I was 11. Yeah, it doesn't matter what the reason is because it's unacceptable. So I actually got the answer from my dad when I sat down with him at age 12 to tell him what happened. He was very kind, he listened, he didn't interrupt, and then when I was done, he asked me a very, very important question that I didn't realize how important and pivotal the question was till I was 40. So I had I suffered a lot longer than I should have. Yeah. At 12, the question was, now what? This bad stuff has happened. Now what do you want to do? Now, my 12-year-old mind went to I could prosecute, but there was no evidence at that point. And I was going through all the now what, but the reality is the that question really is the crux of the healing journey. Yeah, this bad stuff happens, and now what are we gonna do with it? Are we going to wallow in it for the rest of our lives? And I know women who love their victimhood, and it's sad, it's sad that they wrap up who they are into being the victim. That shows two things. Number one, their egoic mind stayed in control of them, and they are always living from a place of fear. Everything in life is to protect themselves from that fear, which by the way, they never release because they're always responding from that place of fear. So we that's option one. Option two is accept what happened and heal from it. Yeah, learn from it to find out what that trauma you're meant to do with it. So for me, it was I had always been vocal about something bad has happened to me. Now, I may not, when I was 11, 12, 13, 15, 17, 18, may not have said exactly what it was, but I let people know that something bad happened because I knew that I had triggers. One of my triggers was if you came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, I came around with a fist. Yeah, I didn't want to hurt anybody. So if you were my friend, I would let you know, hey, I had something bad happen to me. I get a little antsy, I get a little anxious, please don't tap me on the shoulder, just holler my name and I'll turn around and we'll be fine. Because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to react poorly to something that scared me when it was not your intention because I know you're not going to try to hurt me. Yeah, I was upfront about it always. Every male relationship I had, I was very upfront about it because they always want sex in the relationship, and that wasn't happening because I didn't like it. I didn't like being touched. So that was always an upfront thing that I talked about. I was sexually abused, so we're not going there. And either we continue dating or we didn't, but but that I was very upfront at all times about it because for me, I was trying not to live from a place of fear, even though I was. Part of saying, telling people what happened, I learned early on was it in the 80s, they didn't know what to say or how to react to me. See what happened? They left me alone, which is ultimately what at that point I wanted in my life was to be left alone and not have all these questions and all this. So I was pleased that everybody left me alone. And as I moved through and understanding the healing journey, I realized that I needed to not make people comfortable with it, but let people know that I was okay with it. And for me, that meant I I had to forgive my mother, which was a journey in and of itself. Forgiveness is always its own journey. And I had a lot of I had abandonment issues, I had sexual trauma issues, just a lot of issues with my mother. But I was always a very positive, hopeful individual. And I always thought my mother and I would reconcile, but we never did. And when she passed, my sister said to me, Are you sad? And I'm like, she wasn't in my life. I didn't have a relationship with her. And then I realized later on that we didn't reconcile, and I always believed we would. So it's a journey in and of itself. And for me, understanding that my journey was hard, my journey took a long time, but now I have the tools that I can help others not go through the pit of hell that I went through, and I can be a bridge to help them get to the other side of drama.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's so powerful. Yeah, and I always feel like forgiveness is always more for us than it is for the other person. It's just it's led allowing our own spirit to feel calm. I have a a coach that I've worked with for years, and he always says, and he got this from personal development in on his own as well, but it just stuck with me because I worked with him for so long. And he says, Life is always happening for you and not to you. You just have to find that purpose behind it. I used to always say everything happens for a reason, and I don't say that anymore. I feel like everything has a purpose because I don't think that there should be a reason that you were sexually abused at 11. Correct. But I feel like, regardless of what we went through, we can find a purpose behind it and go from there. And that's true. I feel that to deepen my soul, and part of the reason that I've and that I've created this podcast has been because of that, because I had I found purpose in the things that I've gone through, and I wanted to highlight other people that have gone through difficult things and have been able to heal and grow from it and see a different side of it. So I love that you said that. So you obviously faced incredible adversity in your life. What was that turning point when you realized that your story didn't define you, but could empower you? Like, what was that defining moment?
SPEAKER_03:When I realized that for me, the forgiveness process with my mother and me wanting to be a good mother. So when I got pregnant, I was 20 when I got pregnant, my son was born when I was 21. I knew that I had codependency. I knew that my way of relating to others was not the best way to relate to others. I knew I attached in an unhealthy way because when I did attach to somebody, I really attached to them because that meant that there was something about them that made me think I could be safe for a little while. So there wasn't a constant fear. So I really attached, I really clung to people, and sometimes that's just it's very unhealthy. So when I got pregnant, I realized I was codependent, and right about then, codependent no more had come out, and I had gone through, I read the book and I was working through the workbook, and I must have needed more time because I was pregnant for 10 months before my son was born, and had thought I did a lot of really good work and understanding that I did not want to pass on any generational trauma to my son. And my mother had generational trauma, she was sexually abused, her mother was sexually abused, it was stopping with me. So I was making sure that was occurring. So I took the responsibility, and this is where those who stay in victimhood, what they don't do. I didn't take responsibility for what happened to me, I took responsibility for how I was going to choose to live my life. I could choose to allow the past to always have bearing on my present, or I could say that was the past. I am choosing now how to live in my present and moving forward. And that means taking responsibility for my healing process. It means taking responsibility for understanding when I'm triggered, how I'm triggered, and how to overcome being triggered. And those are those harder steps to take because when you think that, oh, the three men that sexually assaulted me were Hispanic men. So of course, my ego, when I see Hispanic men, my ego flares up. And it's always amazing how the universe puts us into places so that we can heal. I ended up working for a company that was owned by Hispanics and ran by Hispanics. I was surrounded by Hispanic men and learned that they are very loving, caring, compassionate people. And now, even now, my ego still says, Hey, there's Hispanic men. But now I can tell my ego, thank you for pointing that out. It's no longer a problem. I can move forward. And the anxiety and fear dissipate. But I had to take responsibility to know that was a trigger. And the other thing that happens is once you get over the major triggers, there's a whole bunch of little ones underneath that you it's come up, and it's like, where did this come from?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And it's go and understanding that as you go through life, those things that trigger you almost always come from your past. Another thing that triggered me, my mother is an alcoholic. So I joined a biker gang. I was a leader of a biker gang for a while. And one of the things the biker gang did is we would ride all day and then we would stop and spend the night. We'd park the bikes, we'd go have dinner, and everybody started drinking. I haven't angst with alcohol, it's understandable. But what the biker gang showed me was it was my problem. It wasn't theirs, they weren't doing anything wrong. They would drink like crazy, they would laugh and have fun. They were completely safe, they would stagger back to the hotel room and go to sleep. Next morning, everybody ate and we went on our way. They didn't drink while they were riding the motorcycles, nobody got harmed. And for me, my mother was a mean, mean, nasty alcoholic. She would say things and hits and just nasty. These people were not. It showed me that drinking alcohol did not mean that a monster was coming out.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:But still, when I'm in social arenas where there's a lot of drinking, there's an anxiety that rises up in me, and I have to remind myself nobody's driving. I'm in a safe place. If it really bothers me, I have choices now. I can walk away, I can go home. I can say to my husband, hey, I'm getting uncomfortable. Let's go. And he understands and we leave. So there are options now that I didn't have when I was growing up. You can't walk away from your alcoholic mother because she'll come after you. Yeah. What do you mean you're walking away from me? It's all of those things. So it's learning what those triggers are and taking responsibility for the fact that I'm the one with the problem. I'm the one with the issue. I'm the one that's reacting poorly. Let me find out why. Let me choose to heal that wound so that I can now respond from a place of love and know that I have options. And it's a healing journey that I am taking.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Well, that's yeah, that's very powerful because yeah, I agree. It's all about a choice that how we choose to move forward. I remember again, I didn't tell anybody for a very long time. And when I told my then fiance, but now ex-husband, that that I was sexually abused, I didn't want to talk about it. I knew exactly where it happened, right? So it was at a house, and the guy put something in my drink, and I and so it was I knew exactly where everything happened. Well, for so long, we lived in the kind of that same area, and we would cut through that street, and I would start like feeling it all inside me, like, oh my gosh. And because we were passing the house, I would always look and I'm like, oh my God, I could feel my body react until I was like, I can't do this anymore. I know we're going to visit family, blah, blah, blah. Great. Can we go a different way? I cannot handle the this route. And he was so confused. He's like, why? And I was like, because on that street was when I was sexually assaulted. So I don't want to go through that street anymore. And so it became like I had the, I don't know, the innate feeling that I needed to speak up because if not, then I was not gonna be okay. And thankfully I was able to, and he understood, and we would go a different way and not take that shortcut anymore. And I was like, oh, okay. So it wasn't that difficult. But for so long, I just felt like it was something that I just needed to live with that I didn't think that speaking up could make that difference, but it did.
SPEAKER_03:And I'm yeah, it makes a huge difference. Part of the issue with sexual trauma is that it's a secret, yeah. And either the abusers tell you, shh, don't tell anybody, or we feel ashamed for what happened. And let me be very clear about shame. Shame is something that is put upon you by others because they don't want you to tell the secret.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So when you tell the secret, it releases the shame, number one, but it also this burden just completely lifts off of you because now it's not a secret anymore. Guilt, people confuse shame and guilt. Guilt is an internal feeling caused by something that you did wrong, and you know it was wrong and you feel guilty for it. But shame is always put upon you by somebody else or actions by somebody else. So don't get the two confused, especially when it comes to trauma. So for saying the secret releases that shame and want to point out something. I had so the abuse occurred in New Mexico. My family lived in Pennsylvania, and I had never gone back to New Mexico. And then my husband started talking about retirement and wanting to live in New Mexico. And I'm like, hmm, this will be interesting. So we decided to take a vacation there, and he knew when I talk about my abuse, I talk about New Mexico.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, I associate New Mexico. So we planned a vacation and I made it very clear, I have no idea what's gonna happen. I think I'm gonna be just fine, but I don't know. And as we are driving and crossing the Texas line into New Mexico, I'm sitting with it, I'm not feeling anything. The next big sign was Albuquerque, which is where my mother had lived and where the abuse occurred, and I'm making our way to Albuquerque and still nothing, and then all of a sudden, peace just entered. That nothing about that place is associated with any fear or harm or resentment. It's just healed. And now we every year take a 10-day trip to New Mexico and that we will be retiring there. We found the location we want to move to. But when he first mentioned it, it was kind of like, well, this will be interesting.
SPEAKER_01:Is this gonna trigger something? Yeah. And if it did, then you understand that maybe that's just not the time. And correct. Yeah, it's being very open to just allowing your body to feel what it needs to feel and honoring it, honoring the place where you're at. So, in what ways, or how did fear show up in your life and what did the process of transcending it really look like for you?
SPEAKER_03:So you had said that it the anxiety and fear showed up in your body for suppressing it. That's what happened to me too. What I did not realize was when because I told you that my dad said to me I had to take care of my baby sister. So that flipped a switch in my brain. And that became, I grew up instantly and I was taking care of my baby sister. And through that, I meant that I had to suppress everything I was feeling.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And I continue to do that because to keep everybody else happy, you suppress that you're feeling depressed, you suppress your anxiety, you suppress your fear, and you put on the smiling face and you wear the mask and armor so that others feel comfortable. Part of it has to do with it makes you feel better to socially interact with others without having all that anxiety out there on the table. But the longer you suppress, so I used to get stomach aches and I was told I had a sensitive stomach. The reality is I have a stomach of iron, and very few things actually upset my stomach, except for the fact that you suppress things too long. So I suppressed it, I did not listen to my body, and I ended up with appendicitis. Still did not listen to my body, and my appendix ruptured. So as I'm being wheeled off into emergency surgery, it was very interesting because I'm in the pre op and the doctor said your appendix ruptured. I'm like, Yes, I know. We need to take a pregnancy test. And I said, I'm not pregnant, I'm on the pill. And so no, no, no, like, fine, I'll sign a waiver. I am not pregnant. Pregnant. No, no, no. I'm like, okay, whatever. So while she's going through this whole thing of me being pregnant or not pregnant, I realize that I'm being forced to stop. I didn't stop with the stomach aches. I didn't stop when I was diagnosed with appendicitis. Now I'm being forced to stop. And then because the appendix ruptured, I ended up with peritonitis. And now I'm on IV antibiotics. I'm in the hospital for a week. I'm at home on IV antibiotics for several more weeks. I'm in care from September when my appendix ruptured through December.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my God.
SPEAKER_03:I had to stop and deal.
SPEAKER_01:Your body knows it's so crazy.
SPEAKER_03:So in this period of time, everything about my life paused. And it was when I realized, okay, I really have to work through the remaining issues that I have with my mother. I have to actually learn and allow myself to grow. I do give my husband great credit because when he and I met, I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling because I had never felt it before, and what it was safety. In his present, I felt extremely safe. And for me, for Maslow's hierarchy of needs, safety is number two. If you aren't safe, you cannot grow. Period. This is again when you have trauma at a young age, you stop growing. So I stayed at 11 and all my reactions and my fears. When I realized what was happening with the ruptured appendix and the peritonitis, I realized that I needed to now start the growing process and the healing process. And the day I was released from the infectious disease specialist, he took my hand and was rubbing, we almost lost you. And I'm looking at him like, what? That's how close it was I was dying. I didn't realize that. Nobody had told me I was on the verge of death. But I there was something in me that clicked where I had a soulful response of, okay, it's time to heal.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. That is powerful because I I feel that as well. Same mindset coach has this analogy. It's the feather, the brick, and the mac truck. And the feather is like life touching you with a feather and saying, Hey, listen up, we need to do this. And you're like, leave me alone. And then we're sitting at the dinner table and there's a brick thrown through your window, and with a letter wrapped around it, with life saying, Hey, wake up, but you're so focused on the hole in the window that we don't look at the note. And then when all of a sudden we see a mac truck heading our way and we just get smacked with the Mac truck, that's those Mac truck moments that life is like, no, you listen now because there's no other choice. So yeah, I've had very many of those. I've had a wake up from surgery and the doctor's like, oh, like deep breath. Oh my gosh, we almost lost you. So I feel like we've gone through a lot of similar things. And it's it just always blows my mind how that connects. So in your book, Raven Transcending Fear, you talk about finding freedom through awareness. Can you explain what awareness means in this context of healing and transformation?
SPEAKER_03:The hardest part of any healing process is the awareness that something is wrong. You can it when you feel when you are a victim and you feel victimized and you're feeling all of that, it is comfortable. You know what that is. I was a victim for a very long time. And this is where I'm gonna give you a new analogy of the thorny blanket. You're wrapped up in this thorny blanket, and the thorny blanket is your victimhood.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And when you decide that you are no longer going to be a victim and you start to peel off that thorny blanket, number one, you didn't realize there were thorns in it, you just thought you were snuggled and you were comfortable because the whatever the pain is that you're feeling when you're wrapped up in the thorny blanket, you're used to it. So it's comfortable and you understand what it is. I know what that pain is. Yes, that's oh, there's my mother again telling me how unworthy I am, whatever. When you take off the thorny blanket, the thorns come out, and now you're bleeding, something's got infected, there's green pus coming out, and it's painful. The healing process is painful because now you are having to deal with the wounds. When you come out of surgery, when I come out from surgery from appendicitis, I have a giant gash on my side. Moving is difficult, it's painful, but it's healing, and so the healing process is painful and it's unfamiliar pain. So a lot of people put that blanket back on because they know what that feels like, and they had to start the whole process over. Taking off the thorny blanket is the first step, that's the awareness of the fact that this is going to be better for me, but it is still going to be painful and a pain that I do not I'm not familiar with, I do not understand it yet. And as you move through, that's what I mean by awareness. Awareness is the most difficult and hardest thing to awaken to. And that's why my second book, So Solutions for Awakening Awareness, is the steps that I took to help you awaken to the awareness that you need to heal. And sometimes, hopefully, it's before the Mac truck moment, but you and I needed a Mac truck moment. Yeah, to wake up. And hopefully, our Mac truck moments mean that other people who listen to us and who follow us can realize it either with the brick or with the feather.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. I love that. So many people feel stuck in survival mode, which I'm aware of because I've been in it, afraid to step into their truth. What first step would you recommend to someone who wants to move from that fear into that self-trust?
SPEAKER_03:The first thought that came to me was forgiveness, but that's a hard one for a lot of people. So, what I'll say is forgiveness for yourself. Yeah, start there. Because you have to forgive yourself for staying the victim. And because for me, being a victim meant that everybody left me alone, which is what I wanted. So I had to forgive myself for wanting to stay disconnected from others. And then the second thing would be you must connect with others to heal. Healing does not happen in a vacuum. Body doesn't heal in a vacuum, your heart and soul will not heal in a vacuum. You have to connect with others, and only through community can you connect and can you find your tribe, those people with like-mindedness, those people who have already overcome the same things you're struggling with, because there are people out there who have. You and I are good examples. And for me, Oprah was my example because she was the only person, there's the first person I found out ever that had gone through something similar. So we look for those people that we can say, hey, she did it. Yeah, maybe I can do it too, and then start building your self-confidence. And the way you start building your self-confidence is learning to reframe how you speak to yourself. Self-talk can be so life-affirming or life damaging. Yeah, and it is our choice. We have to consciously choose and awaken to that awareness of how we are speaking to ourselves and learn to speak from a positive, loving, compassionate place for ourselves. And the way to do that is to start with simple I am statements. I am is the most powerful statement we can make to ourselves. Whatever we put after that statement is truth for us. I am tired. Well, if you keep saying how tired you are or how busy you are, you will always be tired and busy. So start by saying things like I am safe. Yeah, I am worthy, I am enough just as I am. I am not broken. That's one of the big ones, is that I know that despite everything that I had been through, I knew I wasn't broken, but I felt broken. And I didn't understand why I felt a certain way when I wasn't. And then it dawned on me hey, wait a second. I've been wearing masks and armor and hiding my authentic self, hiding the light, and so only rays of light could come out through the mask and armor. That's why you feel broken because your true self is not shining through. Only when you take off the masks and armor can your true light, your whole authentic being shine, and then you don't feel the fragmentation of that brokenness that you think is what you are, and you're not, you're whole just as you are.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. I feel like there's been so many times that I've had to because of it's it hasn't just been one thing, right? That we go through different things in life, and I've been that less than one percent chance many times in my life, and so it's things that okay, you add stuff to your tool belt, and those things are okay, I have to learn how to forgive myself, forgive myself for stewing in this situation and continue, and then but it's not just a one-time thing, it's a choice that you have to continue to make, at least in my experience. It has been a choice that every day I have to make. Okay, I trust myself, I am safe with myself. I and I love that you said the I am statements, those are so important when my kids were younger and I was going through my own healing journey. I was a single mom of three kids. And one of the things that I wanted to make sure to do was really teach them how to speak to themselves in a way that was empowering. And so we would call it the wonderfuls. And so before they would get out of the car for school, I would say, okay, give me your wonderfuls, and they would tell me something wonderful will happen to me today, something wonderful will happen to me today, something wonderful will happen to me today. And then they'll give me three things that they're grateful for and three I am statements, and so it always started at least their day with that kind of self-talk, and we needed it. Like my daughter had a lot of mental health issues growing up, and life was chaotic, especially in the mornings, and so but I wanted to make sure that before they went to school, that at least there was that kind of self-talk because I knew how important it was for them to learn even how to do that in a at a young age. So I really love this.
SPEAKER_03:We weren't taught because we weren't taught that, no, not at all. And that's what, yeah, that's one of those things that as parents, we're always wanting to do better for our children and provide for them those things that we did not have from an emotional and psychological standpoint. And I saw it more with my granddaughter than I did with my son because I was so conscious of everything with my son. With my granddaughter, it was very, very different. And how I related to her was more of I'm here as a guardian of your little soul, you blossom and do what you need to do. And if she got into areas I thought were unsafe, I would kindly gently suggest something else. And she either went for it or she didn't. And if she didn't, I was there when something bad happened. And whether it was a fall or something she did not realize was going to occur, so that she understood consequences happen. Good and bad consequences can happen, and it's based on how you respond to those consequences, whether or not they're really good or bad, because events are just are neutral, yeah. Change is neutral, it's our perception we put upon change and events, whether it's positive or negative. And the reality is they're just things, they're just events, they're just time, they're they are neutral, and therefore we can decide to let them stay neutral. And I did a lot more of that with my granddaughter.
SPEAKER_01:I love that. It's so funny you said that. My youngest is 17, and going through 17-year-old girl brain is just wonderful. And so, like about a month ago, she had a situation happen at school and she got in trouble, and she wasn't able to go to homecoming and because it was that same week, and you were supposed to like stay out of trouble, right? Um, so she wasn't able to go to homecoming, and obviously I took a deep breath before I had a conversation with her because that's another thing that I wanted to change as a parent was I wanted them to always be able to come to me no matter what, because I didn't feel like I was able to do that with my parents, and that's why I kept this to myself for three years. So I wanted to always make sure that they had that open door policy. And at the same time, I've always told them good and bad choices have good and bad consequences. So I am not stopping you from doing the things, I'm giving you a guideline of the things that probably are not so good that could get you in trouble and probably get you in trouble not only with me, but with school or so forth, right? So there's that guide, but I'm not stopping you from making those choices because those choices are yours. I'm here to show you that good and bad actions have good and bad consequences. So that's fine. I'm not stopping you from living your life. You have to learn things on your own. That's okay. However, there is a consequence that goes with it. And it could be either way. Like you do something great, then let's go out for a makeup shopping trip. Whatever. Like there could be, you know, both good and bad. And so I try to always let them know that hey, I'm not stopping you from doing you like with my oldest daughter, it was more there was that like anxiety of, well, I want to protect her from experiencing the kind of pain that I went through. And I had a therapist, an amazing therapist that they still sometimes even see now, tell me, hey, mama, you need to just allow them to experience those things because you are the person that you are because of the things that you've experienced. You can't stop and protect them from that. You can guide them, but you can't stop what their choices are gonna be. You can just make do the guidance part. And I'm like, oh, that makes so much sense. That was part of my own healing journey was right learning how to listen to those that are also guiding me because I want to be the best parent that I possibly can for my kids, but also there's no manual, so correct you you learn how as you go, and I love it now. You get to be that also for your grandchild, because that is like another chance for us to be able to provide that safe space as well. So I love that.
SPEAKER_03:Do you know why there's not a manual?
SPEAKER_01:I can imagine, but go ahead, tell us.
SPEAKER_03:The reason there's not a manual is because your youngest daughter, there's nobody else on the planet like her. Therefore, how in the world is there going to be a manual written for her? The reality is the manual was written and given to her, and you have to learn to read the manual as she develops and moves through life. And that's the only way you can guide her, is based on her choices and her experiences that she shares with you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and I think that's super powerful. I I completely agree. There's been experiences that my ex-boyfriend that I was with for about six years, but it was six years of their life that was very critical. And what he passed away, he had a massive heart attack and passed away. And just the way that, you know, not only was I dealing with my own grief about him passing, uh, but I was I had to hold their grief with them as well. And the way that each of them was told and how each of them reacted and how each of them have coped have been three completely different ways um that I've had to learn and understand. And I've used that as like clues for up things that come in the future. Um, but yeah, you're right. There's no manual because they're so individual and they're so themselves. So I never and I told her I'm I told my youngest, you have a very different mother than what Isabel had because I have many have changed. So your older sister and your older brother, I'm three different parents. I'm not gonna be the same because I've learned and evolved and grown throughout this process. And I've also allowed myself to understand what kind of energy like I put out into my household. And so before I would fight for this is how it has to be because I'm the parent and blah blah blah, and then I started to be like, but no, not really. That's not the best way to get the best reaction and the best, I don't know, response response from them, correct? So yeah, that's been interesting to say the least. So, what does living against all odds mean to you now? And how do you continue to live with courage and authenticity each day?
SPEAKER_03:So living against all odds means, and we all do it, everybody has their own story of beating the odds because anybody that has trauma as a child and lives to be I today's my birthday. I've turned 57 today. Happy birthday! Thank you. So at 11 versus now, I'm thriving and understanding that no matter how we lived our life, whatever our trauma was, whatever our healing journey is, ultimately we are come into this world knowing who we authentically are, and understanding that our purpose is to love and be loved. Trauma happens, stuff happens, life happens, and ultimately remembering who we authentically are is the healing journey. It takes us back to the fact that we are authentic beings who are meant to love and be loved. And if it's about remembering who we are, going back to that beginning place and thriving in life because our purpose is to love and be loved. So if all we're doing is loving other people, and for you and I, we particularly want to love those who feel unlovable. We want to love those who have suffered similar situations that we have suffered through and help them so they don't suffer as long as we did.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So that we help them thrive faster than we did. And ultimately, it's realizing that in the circle of life, that's exactly what's supposed to happen. If you've been through something and you've overcome, your job is to go back and help others overcome too.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I love that. So what limiting beliefs or roadblocks did you have to overcome? Maybe the biggest, because I know we've had to overcome many. But which one would you say was the biggest that you had to overcome to get to where you are today?
SPEAKER_03:Let go of perfectionism. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Because of the trauma and because we've put on the mask and armor, so other people around us thought we were okay. We end up living this false perfectionist lifestyle where okay, if I look like everything's okay, then everything is okay. When inside you and I were both melting away, I ended up with peritonitis, almost dying. You ended up with a disease and almost dying as well. So it comes down to we didn't listen to what we were being told. Our soulful self is always speaking to us. The issue is it whispers.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And when there's chaos, when the egoic mind is just ruminating, it screams at us. Yeah, don't do that. Oh my gosh, don't go there. Don't forget to do this. Oh, you didn't pack that. Whatever it is, the ego screams at us all the time. So we don't listen to the whispers of our souls telling us you're okay, you're safe. You can get up and try again. Today's gonna be a better day. We don't listen to the soulful whispers of our soul. Instead, we listen to the egoic mind that screams at us. And the ego wants us to be perfect. So that mask and that armor is what others see when the reality is we are not perfect, and if we accept the fact that we are not perfect and we accept who we authentically are in our state of vulnerability, wearing the masks and armor that we put on so that we could face the world and understand that those masks and armor are now harming us because our true authentic light is not shining through the way it's supposed to. And we remove them when we remove the mask of perfectionism. What we realize is that we are perfectly authentically ourselves. I am the most perfect Terry Kozlowski that ever walked the planet. You are the most perfect Maria Ponte that ever walked the planet, and therefore we have to remember who we authentically are. Only then can we continue to thrive in life.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I love that so much. And so to wrap up, what daily habits and rituals would you say has helped you reach the level of success and continue to reach your potential?
SPEAKER_03:Um, my quiet morning time. I believe that everybody needs to start the day grounding themselves in whatever way they find for them. For me, it's meditating, journaling, and I write I am statements every day because it sets me up to know exactly who I authentically am and who I want the world to see.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And if I do that every day, then I'm starting in a grounding place, a place of peace, a place of love, being authentically me to carry it through the day. And it also raises your vibrational frequency when you start from a place of love. And if you start off with your vibrational frequency pretty high, all kinds of bad things can happen and you're still gonna be higher than most people.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I agree. Like I said earlier, my oldest daughter just we had really rough mornings. And when I learned that like this would be every day, I would wake her up for school with just anxiety of, oh gosh, what is today gonna bring? And I learned again through my own healing journey. I learned that if I could just sit and meditate for five, 10 minutes, just listen to my breath and really come from a place of gratitude. And I started to become a little more strategic, I would say, in how I would wake her up. So if she had to wake up at seven, I would wake her up like at 6:45 and say, and give her a choice to wake up now, or I could give her 15 more minutes. And so she felt that she had got a choice in and woke up still at the same time. So it worked out, but I wait would wake her up with so much more peace and calm and loving energy, and it made such a huge difference when I did that shift that I realized that I just carried a lot of anxious energy when I woke her up every morning, and that would make things difficult.
SPEAKER_03:Children are sponges for our energy. Oh my gosh, whether we're positive or negative, they mirror us. That is their job as children is to mirror us. So if your child is doing something that you don't like, you need to look at yourself and say, what am I doing that's causing this reaction in my child?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. Oh my gosh, this was amazing, Terry. I really appreciate your story and your vulnerability. And just it was amazing to hear how you've evolved and the growth in yourself and your spirit. And it just, it's beautiful. So I'm thank you. Thank you so much for joining us today. Listeners, I hope you got as much as I did from today's conversation. Honestly, it just feels like it always seems to be exactly what maybe I needed and what I feel like we all need sometimes. These conversations happen, and you're like, ah, yes, this is this is just reinforcing what I need in my life. So I truly hope that you got as much from today as I did. I will put all of Terry's information in the show notes so that you can connect with her. And thank you so much for listening today. Peace out, guys. Love your life. Bye.
