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Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
Maria highlights stories of people that have been the "less than 1% chance" and have come out of their situations thriving and seeing life as happening FOR them and not TO them! Inspiring and empowering stories that will show you that against all odds you can make it through anything!
Against All Odds Podcast, The Less than 1% Chance with Maria Aponte
She Survived Hopelessness And Chose Purpose with Angie Hawkins
What if the story you inherited—be perfect, earn love, never be too much—was the very thing keeping you from feeling worthy? We sit down with inner glow coach and author Angie Hawkins to trace a breathtaking arc: childhood emotional neglect seeds a belief that love must be earned; success becomes a shield; a cross-ocean move promises a reset; and then life unravels. A flooded home, job instability, isolation, a breakup, and a pandemic converge into despair and an overdose. A friend’s quiet sentence—“It’s not your time”—becomes the hinge that swings everything toward purpose.
From there, we get radically practical. Angie walks us through how coaching gave her more than talk—it gave her tools. Boundaries. Emotional regulation. Identity change through consistent action. The result wasn’t instant bliss; it was a steady rewiring of “I’m not enough” into “I am worthy.” She names the first felt sense of self-love as a warm glow in the chest, the spark behind her program Shine from the Inside. We also explore embodiment as courage training: bungee jumps, skydiving, and that Navy SEAL-style ocean leap weren’t for clout—they taught her nervous system to feel fear and move anyway.
This conversation doesn’t skip the hard rooms. We open the door to difficult family talks, the risk of retraumatization, and why the goal is voice, not a perfect outcome. Angie’s memoir, Running in Slippers, meets grief head-on and makes space for the parts of life we’re told to hide. Along the way, we share small, repeatable rituals—three minutes of dancing, a surf at sunrise—that reconnect you to joy fast. If you’re a high achiever chasing approval, if grief has blurred your horizon, if you’re tired of fixing and ready to remember who you are, this one’s for you.
If this story sparked something, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find these conversations. Your next brave step might be three minutes away.
Connect with Angie:
Website: https://www.runninginslippers.com/
Instagram: @angiehawkins808
YouTube: @angiehawkins808
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Welcome back to the Against All Odds, the Less than 1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte, where we will hear stories of incredible people thriving against all odds. And my hope is that we can all see how life is always happening for us, even when we are the less than 1% chance.
SPEAKER_02:Hey, hey! Welcome back to Against All Odds, the Less than 1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte. I am so excited to bring another amazing conversation to your ears or eyeballs, however you see us today. I'm going to introduce Angie Hawkins. She is an inner glow coach who transforms high-achieving women to stop chasing love and approval and learn to radiate it from within so that they can finally feel happy, free, and loved for who they are. Love that mission. She works with women who have done the therapy, read the books, tried the spiritual path, but still feel like something is missing. Through deep inner work and identity transformation, she helps them break the cycle of not feeling enough so that they can experience real love, confidence, and peace without having to change who they really are. She is the author of Running in Slippers, a raw and vulnerable memoir about finding resilience after emotional rock bottom. Angie has moved from Chicago to Hawaii on her own, jumped out of a helicopter and into the ocean, Navy SEAL style. I love that. I'm such a thrill seeker. She's bungee jumped, skydived, cliff jumped, yet is still terrified about allowing herself to be seen. Can we not all relate to that? Welcome, Angie. I'm so excited to have you here. Hey Maria, thank you for having me. Oh, this is amazing. So give us the lowdown on your against all odds story and how is it that you've gotten to where you are today?
SPEAKER_00:So it starts in my childhood. I grew up in a home. The best way to describe it is both of my parents were extremely emotionally unavailable. And as an adult, I understand what that means. But as a child, I just didn't have the tools or knowledge to be able to interpret the situation. So in my six-year-old brain, or however old I was, the way I interpreted the situation was that I developed this belief that I didn't deserve to be loved. And as you're probably aware, your beliefs dictate your behaviors, and that dictates what you experience in your life. So, needless to say, I struggled for a very long time because I was always chasing for love and approval outside of myself. I felt like it was something I needed to earn because I wasn't inherently worthy of it. I was the overachiever at school, at work, and anything I did because I felt like those were the things that defined my worth. And it was very unhappy and fulfilling. But I honestly, that was the only way I knew how to live. And also, I just had this sense that happiness and fulfillment was something that wasn't even available to me because that's how low my worth was. And the first turning point came in 2017. My boyfriend broke up with me, and then my dad passed away. And I was 37. I had spent 37 years repressing my feelings, trying not to feel anything undesirable. And but when you're in that much grief, it was impossible to repress my feelings. Yet I didn't have the tools for emotional regulation. So the best way to describe it, I basically felt like a zombie for the rest of the year because I didn't know what to do with my feelings. So when 2018 came around, it was probably like the New Year's resolution vibe. But I finally was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I was like, I want to make some changes in my life, and I was finally taking agency over my life. So I was living in Chicago and I decided I want to move to Hawaii, which was well-intentioned in the sense that I was actually proactively doing something to be happier because I think there was this glimmer that maybe happiness and fulfillment is available to me. But it wasn't well-intentioned in that I was still looking for something outside of myself to be that thing. So of course, you can't move away from your problems. And so I moved to Hawaii. I was still the same person. And not only that, I developed a whole new roster of issues. So for example, this was in 2018. It was before remote work was the trendy thing to do. I was extremely fortunate because my job allowed me to move and keep my job. However, right when I moved, there was this huge management shakeup at work that threatened my role. So the first year that I lived here, I lived in constant fear of losing my job. I had a really hard time making friends, which felt super isolating and lonely, especially because I was working 100% remotely and I was thousands of miles away from anyone I knew. The other major thing that happened right off the bat is to prove like how all in and committed I was. I bought a condo immediately after moving here. But like a month after I closed, a shared building pipe backflowed into my bathroom sink and I wasn't home. So my entire condo flooded. So like right off the bat, it was just like not a good welcoming party. Let's just say that. And again, so this is 2018. So the next two years, it was like thing after thing after thing. And because I was reaching for things outside of myself to be the thing that made me feel better, and all of these things outside of myself were unraveling. My internal world, it was already not stable to begin with, but it slowly started to unravel over this two-year period. And then COVID happened, so I don't have to explain how that made it worse. And then the straw that broke the camel's back was the end of a relationship during COVID. And I think we all have moments in life, because in my experience, and from what I've seen in other people's experience, when it rains, it pours. So I think we all have these times in our lives where we're like, I cannot handle this, I can't take this anymore. So I was absolutely feeling that way. But I also had this layer of just sheer hopelessness, which is such a dangerous place to be because nothing had been going well, and I truly could not see any hope for the future. I was just sheer hopelessness is the best way to describe it. So I intentionally overdosed on my anxiety medication. I took the entire bottle and it was a nervous system suppressant. And just to like stress how strong these pills were, I would usually take a half pill before I went to sleep and it would knock me out for eight hours cold. I took 32 entire pills. Oh my gosh. And so I was unconscious in my bathroom for a day and a half. I was in the hospital for a day and a half, and I was released from the hospital. I came home, I called a friend, I told her everything that happened, and I ended with, I can't believe I didn't die. And her response was, it's not your time. And that like sent a cold chill down my body because full chills. Because I was like, because I was still high and out of it when I got out of the hospital, but it was so profound that it like really hit me because I was like, I could have died, but I'm still here. So in that moment, I truly believed that I had a purpose on this earth and I was determined to figure out what it was. Oh my gosh, I like full body chills.
SPEAKER_02:That's so crazy that 2018 was that year that you were like, I'm gonna do this. That was I literally like made 2018 the year of me. Oh, really? Yeah, that was a huge turning point in my life too. Yeah, and it was like the year that I like I did, I went all in on a like a manifestation coaching thing, and I did Reiki One. Oh, yeah. So I was I became certified in that, and it was just like all the things that were going to be good and amazing for me. And then it ended that year with my ex-boyfriend, which was one of my best friends, which was one of those people in your life that you're not together right now, but they'll be your the future's with them. Yeah. And and so we were because we were long distance, so for I was just like, right now it's not gonna be the case. But at the end of the year, November that year, he passed away of a massive heart attack. And I was just he was like 35 years old. I was gutted, I was like, wait, like my blueprint completely shifted and altered completely of what I thought I was gonna grow old with, and so it became kind of like, well, I'm glad I did all this work, but damn, like yeah, grief is no joke. No, no, not at all. So that you're connected. I was like, oh my gosh, 2018.
SPEAKER_00:We actually did have similar paths because and I decided I wanted to move in January, but I didn't have the money, so I was like, I'm gonna manifest. And I'm talking because again, I wanted to buy a condo because I'm like, if I'm moving, I'm all in, but I was like a hundred thousand dollars short of my desired lifestyle here. So I'm like, I'm gonna manifest a hundred thousand dollars, and I did, and that was and so like the ball was rolling, the ball was rolling, and then I moved here and it was like, nope. So yeah, uh it's the universe testing you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, we had a similar roller coaster that year for sure. Oh my gosh, that's so crazy! So many things to unpack there because it's so crazy when we get to those points of what else is there for me? And you have to shift your mindset to oh, wait, this is all happening for me, not to me.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it that is so true because prior to my friend saying those words, and I didn't even realize this until probably several years into my healing journey, because I was at rock bottom. So I like invested in myself, I hired a coach. It took me probably a solid two years to like really get grounded again, and that's not to say I wasn't functional or anything. But anyway, my point was in hindsight, I realized how much I was playing a victim and not taking agency over my life and and unintentionally in that mindset of okay, I think I have a purpose, I'm going to find out what it is. I completely switched that around and was like, it's my responsibility to heal myself and do these things, and even in realizing that I had a purpose, because to this day I still have a fear of allowing myself to be seen. Back then it was stopping me from allowing myself to be seen, but now I don't let that stop me because I'm like, I'm so determined to figure out what my purpose is. And I think I found it, but I still feel like there's more to life. Whereas before I was just so unhappy and unfulfilled because I was in that victim mentality and now I'm in this abundance mentality, and it's just yeah, it's a total mindset change.
SPEAKER_02:The fear doesn't ever go away. No, it's it's just allowing it to sit back there and be like, all right, I see you. I see you, but let's do it anyways. I was the same way, even with the this podcast. I was like, for five years before I started, I was like, I want to have a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. And the I went to this like spiritual retreat, I guess you could call it, and I had this quantum healing session with the lady that I did the Reiki certification with. And in that, I spoke to my higher self, and it was so evident that this story needed to come out and needed to be out in the world, and that the impact that I was part of the impact that I was supposed to make, part of my purpose was this. And I specifically said against all odds was gonna be the name. And I'm like, oh, okay. Because I would always say, Yeah, I'm like, I always am like against all odds, like from from it's like your motto. Yeah, it's my motto. I'm like, give me an on and I probably have been there. We shared before starting to record. I was a twin and my mom had a miscarriage when we when she was like two or three months pregnant, and so she didn't she had a miscarriage before. So when she went for her follow-up test or follow-up exam, the doctor checked and he's there's still a heartbeat here, and I was still there. So in the 80s, they didn't do sonograms, at least not in Puerto Rico.
SPEAKER_00:It's it's so fancy now, like the high resolution thing, it's almost too high resolution for me.
SPEAKER_02:It's so crazy. So they did they would do x-rays, and so my mom had an x-ray of me, and there was another sack that no longer had a baby. So it was so the craziness of being able to even still be here after something like that, and then it was like one thing after the next. And it's funny because every year around my birthday, when I was growing up, I would bang myself up. I had like cuts and scrapes all over, and it was always around my birthday, and I'm like, why is it that it's always around this time, and so I don't know, I feel like then from there I was sexually assaulted when I was 16. And so of all things, this person gave me HPV, the strand that caused cancer, and I didn't tell anybody anything. So when I was 18 and I went for my very first Wall Woman checkup, I had cervical cancer. And so it has literally been like one thing after the next for years, and so I was like, there has to be I'm not okay with the things that happened to me. That's not something that I'm gonna forgive and forget kind of thing, but it could give me purpose, and so rather than staying in that victim mentality, how am I gonna switch this? And it really was that aha moment of, oh, I don't need to be the victim anymore. Yeah. And I feel like you pretty much experienced that, uh, I don't need to be the victim of my situation anymore.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but it wasn't like that, because that's a very succinct and clear way to state it. I don't think it was like that much of a light bulb moment, but it was a light bulb in the sense that like something needs to change and I need to be the one who changed it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, absolutely. It doesn't have to be that light bulb moment, but it has to be that moment of like, I can't anymore. Enough is enough. Yeah, something's gotta give. And whether it's the mindset or whether it's starting a health journey and because you put on those last pair of pants that you're like, oh my god, I can't anymore. Like it in so many ways, there could be those little moments that you're like, okay, enough is enough. I have to do something.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, because to actually want to change, the fear of not changing has to be greater than the fear of changing. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. So you just have to get to that threshold. Unfortunately for me, I had to get to a really low place. And that's another reason I share my story because don't do what I did. Because I knew I was unraveling way before I actually hit rock bottom. I just wasn't even doing anything about it. Because the coach I ended up calling after my overdose, I had been thinking about calling him for six months, and I never did. So and again, I think it was just that whole mindset that I was in of being a victim, and it's kind of like, well, what's he gonna do? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And I completely get it. That manifestation coach that I connected with, it was somebody that I looked back and I had apparently connected at some point, like a year and a half before, with her. And I'm like, No, I started working with her in 2018. Why is there an email from like March of 2017 with me and her? Like, how is that cool? So the seed was planted, the seed was planted, and I didn't even remember contacting her, like there was no recollection of this interaction, and then what when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Yes, right, and so I feel like that was the that moment of like, oh, okay, that's strange, but okay. It was meant to be somehow or another. So from that moment of like you realizing that there was a change that needed to happen, what was the steps that you took?
SPEAKER_00:So the first thing I did was I invested in myself and I hired a coach, and that was so valuable to me because I had tried traditional therapy, and I'm not knocking any of the things I'm about to say, it just didn't work for me. I had tried traditional therapy, but it was always just talking for an hour, and then I would leave, and then it's like, okay, now what do I do? Like I didn't feel like I had any like practical advice to actually live my life. Same thing with like self-help books, it's a lot of information, but we're all our situations are all so different. So, like the blanket advice, it's really hard to implement in your own specific situation, and it can be hard, so you don't have the accountability factor with self-help books. A lot of spiritual practices, and again, I'm not knocking these because I still do them now, but in conjunction with the inner work, but it's like it feels really good in the moment, but it's not truly healing the root of the problem. So it's more of a band-aid solution to feel good in the moment. So the value of working with the coach was he was actually, we actually got to the root of the limiting belief that I didn't deserve to be loved. And I know this sounds so simplistic, but it was just we started out with like the simple things, like setting healthy boundaries, just like the things that I wasn't doing because I didn't respect myself, I didn't trust myself. So it was building these habits, and then over time, I actually started to change my beliefs because when you become confident in setting boundaries and believe that you do respect yourself, that becomes your new belief. And so over time, I actually started to love myself. And the reason I call my current coaching program is called Shine from the Inside. And the reason why I call it that is because when I first truly started feeling that feeling of self love, it felt like this warm glow in my chest. And it just felt so amazing. And not only that, people around me. Would even say to me, like you're glowing, and like they could tell that I was just in this like radiant self-love. So, like when you love yourself, it's just this feeling from the inside and it radiates outward.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I love that. I completely agree. At work, I get called the purple energy girl.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And obviously, my favorite color is purple, my hair, everything, right? And so there's always something purple on me at all times. But I love that more because to me, purple is calming, it's peaceful, it's the energy that I like to stay in. So, like when I close my eyes and I meditate, I see purple, right? Purple, like a purple glow in me come radiating out. And so the fact that someone else pointed that out, I'm like, oh, I like that. I will take that because I feel like, yes, that's what I want to radiate, what brings me joy and happiness and peace and love, and that brings that to me. If you look at my office, it's purple all over. My workout room back there, it's purple. So it's just I truly try to radiate out what I feel in the inside and what makes me happy in the inside. And so when when people say that, I'm like, I'll take that. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think, in my opinion, getting a compliment on your energy is like the best. Like someone could tell me they like my outfit or they like my hair or something like that. And that's all nice, but getting a compliment on your energy is amazing.
SPEAKER_02:I know it's because it's your true self. I don't know if you remember, but one of my favorite movies growing up was Cocoon 2, I want to say, I think is the second one.
SPEAKER_00:That's a horror movie, isn't it? No, I don't think so. Is it gross? It's not gross. It's like about the movie though.
SPEAKER_02:I don't think I ever saw it. These old people that found these cocoons, and inside the cocoons, there was like this like glowing. Yeah, it was gross.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know what we're talking about.
SPEAKER_02:So I it was it was like alien. I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't remember. I just remember that like that was one of my favorite movies because when they opened this cocoon and it's this like glowing person, right? Yeah, I'm just like that's like an I feel like that's like an inner self kind of thing.
SPEAKER_00:And you recognize that as a child, as a child, it's so cool, and it's it's also funny my reaction to it as a child, because when you do find your glow as an adult, there are people who are turned off by it. Yes, so isn't it interesting that as children you were like attracted to it? But as a child, I was scared of it, and the same thing happens in real life energy.
SPEAKER_03:In real life, yeah, which is why like I feel like I I totally can't because I was like, no, it was a gross movie, I didn't like it.
SPEAKER_02:No, it was like these old people from Florida, so I live in Florida, and so it just I thought I was like, that is so cool that this like person this like person looking figure is just a glowing person. How awesome! And so I was like, I want to be that, like that was in my brain, was super awesome growing up for my parents. I had two different types of people, so my dad was the bubbly, loving, like he would just hug you, and he was just super emotionally available, yeah. And then my mom was the complete opposite. I before now I could probably count on one hand how many times my mom embraced me, and so I had these two polar opposite type of people that I was like, wait, so I gravitated to towards what my dad radiated so much more than what I felt from my mom, because it was more like this like mask always.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, especially as a child, of course, you would be drawn to the light. Were your parents married? Like, did you have anything? Oh, that's interesting. That's a very interesting dynamic.
SPEAKER_02:And they were married for 50 years together for like 57 before my dad passed away. And so when he passed away in 2022, I struggled so much because I was like, Oh my god, I lost the parent that gave me the love and connection that I need to feel loved. And the grief was like on a bigger scale because I was like, my mom is still here, I still love her. However, my dad felt like the glue, yeah, and I'm like, it's not gonna be the same. And so I had to distance myself a little bit from my mom for me to be able to recalibrate myself into my expectations and so forth. And I don't know if it was like so it's been a few years since my dad passed, but I don't know if it was his light always overshined hers, that uh now I am experiencing the like a transformation. So she's not gonna hear this. So she started seeing somebody from church. She's super cute. It's like in the phases of like, yeah, oh my god, he messaged me like, hello, beautiful, and I'm like, this is the cutest thing. And I'm thinking they it like she was so young when they got married. She was, I think, like she had graduated high school, but she was already she was still 17 years old. They got married, so it was like she didn't know what it was to be like I don't know, like a I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:I know what you're saying though. Like they were probably a good match, but maybe not the best match. And to your point, maybe your dad's light was so bright that it was actually dimming hers.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and not in an intentional way, but that was just his energy. And so now I made it a point to every Thursday night after work, I will go to her house, spend some time with her. And when I started doing this, I started to get hugs, and it wasn't like I would hug her like hello, like a regular hey, and it she would hold on, and I'm like, what is happening? Oh, that's like so heartwarming. It has completely, I don't know, altered some of the trauma that I felt from my mom growing up. It's healed a little bit of that inner child where I'm like, my mom doesn't fully, I don't know what I did. My mom just doesn't hug me, doesn't whatever. And I was a single mom of three kids for a very long time, and my oldest daughter dealt with a lot of mental health issues. She was diagnosed bipolar, I think it was just an early diagnosis and something simple to label. However, she rejected hugs from me, and my mom, I felt like I grew up getting rejected, and I was like, what is wrong with me? Yeah, that's because these two like important people in my life on opposite ends, right? This generation over here, my mom, and this generation over here, my daughter, both will not hug me. It was stuff that I had to work through.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah. Oh, that's such an interesting dynamic. And also, I don't think I would have had this theory if we didn't have the conversation we had about cocoon. Yeah, but it honestly could be because you do have an energy to you, and for a long time you were in conjunction with your dad, you were shining even brighter. It could just be like their fear to your energy because all of that's happening at the subconscious level, but yeah, it's so hard not to take some of that personally sometimes.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. It was a lot of work that I had to do on through different modalities. So yeah, I did all the things, the therapy, the coaching. This is how much coaching and therapy and spirituality and everything has played a part in my own journey. So before my dad passed, I I was in a coaching session, it was more of like a group coaching session, and I was always the one that I will volunteer to be the one that's being coached in front of everyone. I have no problem with sharing my story, and so one of the things that I still struggled with was the fact that when I needed them the most, when I finally, three years after my sexual assault, I finally told them their reaction was exactly how I thought it was. I come from a very Hispanic household, very religious, like very Catholic upbringing. And so when I told them I was raped, the reaction was not one of love and support.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And so I have stayed with that for many years. I was 19 when that happened. I think I was around 38 when I finally went back. So I had this coaching session, and my coach challenged me, let's say, to speak to my parents, and just not in a way to blame in any way, but in a way to to say this is what I needed, and I felt like I didn't get it, just because that just kept coming up, and and he was like, I really think that this is something that until you release it and let them know this is gonna continue to come up as something. And so I talked to to my therapist about it, and she was like, Maria, that's a great idea. However, I need you to be prepared with expectations to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Prepare to be the parent to yourself, yeah, because you can't control what they are gonna react like, and so in make sure that you know what you want to say, but make sure that you're ready to give yourself that hug, advice rather than expecting them to react the way that you would hope. And so when I had this, so I sat my parents down and I was like, okay, it was a weekend that I didn't have the kids. I made sure that I made it so that there wasn't gonna be interruptions, and I was like, it's not gonna take long, I just need to have this conversation with you guys. And so I sat down and I was just like, listen, as a parent to three teenagers, I really understand that there's no manual on how to parent, there's no way to know whether I'm doing a good job or not. It's I'm literally, I know that I'm just doing the best job that I can for that moment. Yeah, so I'm not coming to you with any blame or guilt. I just need to let you know how I felt in this moment because also the conversation of my rape happened that one time and then it never happened ever again. Sweep it under the rug, yeah. Yeah. So that just didn't help the situation in any way. So it left me with a lot of like I didn't know what happened afterwards, what they thought, what I know what they said to me immediately, but then they went silent for a few months and it was never talked about again. So I was like, I know that this is not something that you guys like to talk about, and I'm not blaming you in any way, and I have worked on this in multiple situations with my coach, with my therapist, with myself. Like, this has been something that I've worked on. I just need to know that when I told you guys that that this happened to me, what I needed in that moment was a hug and love and support, and feeling like I had your support no matter what. And the last thing that I expected was what happened. So my mom took it in and it was like, Well, I guess this is the time that I should hug you then.
SPEAKER_00:And I was like, Oh my, I've been in suspense this entire story. What's gonna happen? Oh my god, that's so amazing.
SPEAKER_02:It was definitely pivotal. I felt like it definitely healed a little part of that as well. But I was expecting that more from my dad first, and his ego completely was like immediately fight or flight kind of scenario. And my mom was like, stopped him and was like, I think that this is the time that I should give you a hug. And um, that makes me want to cry. Yeah, I pretty much lost it, and I cried all the way home, and I cried for the rest of the night, and it was unexpected, and thankfully it went that way, but it took a lot of courage.
SPEAKER_00:It took um because I had these conversations they're hard. Yeah, so I just the fact that you did it is amazing.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you said you've had those type of conversations as well.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but mine did not go well. I'm actually estranged, I'm currently estranged with my mom for that reason because it just turned into her blaming me and it became very circular, nothing was getting resolved. And then the last conversation I had with her, she was basically like, let's sweep this under the rug and continue moving on. And I was like, I don't sweep things under the rug anymore.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that was honestly where I thought it would go. But it's good that you went in. I actually love your therapist's advice because I know it's easy to go into these conversations thinking like, oh, they've changed and now they're gonna react the way that I want them to. And as I just said, that is not always the reality. If you had a good experience, I've had a bad experience. It could be any anything in between that spectrum. So you have to go in with not having any expectations, and your only intention is just to have the courage to have the conversation.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and just to get it off your chest, because as soon as you're able to release that that hold that conversation has on you, you're able to work through it in whatever capacity you need to.
SPEAKER_00:Agree, because it's the whole because I also grew up in a family where we swept things under the rug. So it's just even that is breaking the curse of like I'm not doing this anymore.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. I I was very adamant that when I had kids, obviously I want them to be good, kind humans. That's for sure. But I think that the I don't know, the expectation that I put on myself for being a good parent was that my kids were able to come to me no matter what. Yeah, like your safe space. Yeah, like I was gonna always be the safe space, and in multiple occasions, when my son came out, he came to me and told me when yeah, like when my daughter just was going, my oldest daughter was going through a breakup, she came to me and told me, Hey mom, this is what happened. I'm breaking up. So it was just all things that that I've always if I did anything right, that was gonna be my check mark moment of like, okay, I did it.
SPEAKER_00:No, I actually think that's a really good sign because nobody's perfect, right? Yeah. A good sign of being a good parent is like you're a safe space for your kids because, and I recognize this in your story because I had a similar experience, it wasn't safe for me to go to my parents, and I'm assuming that's why you the first time you went to your parents about it, it wasn't until several years later. It's probably because they weren't safe, right? Yes. And my mom would always get mad at me. Like this was actually into my adult life, my mom would get mad at me for not telling her things. Yeah. But it's like, you're the reason I can't tell you things because if I'm coming to you and it doesn't feel safe, then I'm actually just protecting myself by not telling it.
SPEAKER_02:It's one of the reasons that I don't journal because I used to, I would journal all the time. As a kid, I I loved writing and I loved stories, and I loved all of that. I wrote a book when I was like in sixth or seventh grade that I would have my friends read as I kept writing chapters.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, I love that.
SPEAKER_02:And they were like, oh my god, this is so good. When is the next chapter happening? So, like, I loved all of that. However, I stopped because my mom would go through my stuff and then I would get in trouble. I knew you were gonna say that, yeah. And I was like, I can't. And then now I know that journaling is so good to release. I can't seem to do that. I can only journal if I am gonna burn it.
SPEAKER_00:And so what about writing? I like I love the idea of just like writing chapters and like have giving it to your friends and then they're in suspense.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, they're like, oh, it's like the next episode.
SPEAKER_02:When is the next episode happening? But it it's something that I used to love to do. I think I have it on a floppy disc somewhere because when we first had oh my god, please find it.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know if you would like read the disc now though.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know how either. I don't even know where I would begin to look for it, but I remember the first computer we had. I was like in maybe 11th or 12th grade. I don't know. I was a junior or senior in high school, and we got a computer, and I had I would write the I would write the story on graph paper. I don't know why, but that was what was available. So I remember like getting it and starting to like type things in. And I'm like, this is so crazy. And I saved it on a floppy disk. I don't even know where it would be. But yeah, I've wanted to go back and actually write like a memoir or something like that.
SPEAKER_00:I actually was gonna mention that earlier. I think you should. That's just my opinion, especially now that I know that you're a writer.
SPEAKER_02:Maybe, yeah. That's my next the podcast is one. The next one is writing a book. So you wrote a book. Tell us a little bit more about maybe the process for you and how it went, what it's about, and so that we can share with our listeners.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. So it's called Running and Slippers. And I live in Hawaii. We call flip-flops slippers. So it actually means running and flip-flops. The actual story about how the title came about is in the introduction of the book, so I won't give that away. But I will say running and slippers, it's a metaphor for life because if you run in flip-flops, it can be playful, fun, and adventurous. It can also be scary, dangerous, and painful. And the idea for the book came about in the time period after my dad passed away because I was in such heavy grief. And we live in a just get over society. So after a few months, people stopped asking me how I was doing. If I even told anyone I was still sad, it was kind of like, you need to get help. What's wrong with you? And it's like, my dad died. Why wouldn't I be sad two months later? Like, there's nothing wrong with that. And then you go on Instagram and it's all the highlight reels. And even in real life, everyone's putting on their happy face and pretending everything's fine. So I'm in this profound grief. And I just remember thinking, like, I cannot be the only one going through a difficult time. So I had this idea to write a really vulnerable memoir that talks about the shitty things that happen in life. Because I was like, we're not talking about those things. But that was at a time I was terrified of allowing myself to be seen, and I let the fear keep me playing small. And so fast forward to when my friend said it's not your time, I was like, hmm, I think I have a purpose and I don't know what it is. And then I hired the coach, and on our very first call, he was like, if you could do anything with your life, you didn't have to worry about money, time, whatever, what would you do? And the very first thing that came to my mind was the book. And I was like, I have this idea for a book, it's really vulnerable, and then I want to go and do speaking tours. So those would be safe spaces for people to actually talk about the hard things that happen in life. And I was going on and on and on. And I finished, and he was like, Did you notice how lit up you just got when you were telling me about it? And I did notice the state change. So I was like, hmm, maybe this is my purpose. And as you're probably aware with coaching, it's a process to really implement any like behavior or mindset changes. So I knew in the short term, because in the beginning weeks and even months after I got out of the hospital, my only goal was to make it through the day. That's how emotionally fragile I was. So I was like, I need something to keep me going until I start making major changes with the coaching. So I was like, I'm gonna start writing the book. And at the time I started, I was like, I don't have to publish it, I'm just gonna write it. But the more that I was writing, like the more my intuition was like, this is your path, like this is the path. And so once it was written, it's like I felt like there was no other choice than to publish it.
SPEAKER_02:I love it so much. And I can imagine how I had another person on my podcast earlier this season that he was like, it was so cathartic, like to to just be vulnerable about the things that that I've experienced in life and really put it out there. And I'm like, oh yeah, that sounds yeah.
SPEAKER_00:See, like I had the opposite experience because, and I think it was because I was still healing from a lot of the things that I was writing about, but it actually for a while it kept re-traumatizing me. But it was healing because I was telling you before we started recording, I was embarrassed because like my worst mistakes are in this book, my overdose is in the book, all like the worst moments of my life are in this book. So I was afraid people were gonna criticize me. Oh, she's an idiot because she made this decision and she did that. But you wouldn't believe how many people, and I'm talking complete strangers, would reach out to me and be like, this exact same thing happened, like that happened to me. And that part was very healing because it's like that was my vision. I was like, I knew there were other people going through hard times, but I was like, where are they? And it's like, oh, here they are.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and part of the reason that I like I was telling you that I was that I started the podcast was because I in so many situations in my life, I felt alone.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And it when the when I was raped, I was 16. So from 16 to 19, nobody knew. And I kept just suppressing all these emotions, and outside you would see this like yeah, happy go lucky person, and I'm so positive. Oh my gosh, your smile is always so bright, and blah blah blah. And inside I was like dying, and so it to me, I feel like like those moments I felt like nobody knew what was happening, nobody was experiencing the same thing. I was afraid of what anybody would say, think, or do if they found out, and I knew innately, I knew that the reason I didn't tell my parents was that they were going to react the way they actually reacted. Yeah. And so my so when I first told anybody was because I had so the cervical cancer happened when I was 18, right out of high school, and I started cosmetology school a year within a year later or whatever, and I went to like my six-month follow-up visit and was it was fine. And then six months after that, so a year after my surgery, the cancer had come back, and so I had to get another surgery. And after that surgery, I was in cosmetology school and for like two months didn't go back to school. And the director called me and she was like, Listen, Maria, I know that you had surgery, I understand. However, your father keeps paying for this, and you're not coming. I'm gonna have to drop you. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, Miss Baker, let me come in and talk to you. And so I went in and I don't know what came over me. I wasn't even gonna tell her about anything, but I finally just I closed my eyes and I just let it all out. And when I open my eyes, I see her crying, and I'm like, wait, Miss Baker, why are you crying? And she goes, Maria, because a few years ago I was called after my daughter went to a party telling me that she was left beside a dumpster after she had been sexually assaulted. So I was there to help her, to give her therapy, to do everything that she needed in that moment. And I guess I was meant to help you. And it was just like this crazy, I will forever remember that lady. And she let me come back to school, she let me go to therapy during school, she found the therapist. It was a place that that really focused on sexual assault, victims, and all that kind of stuff. And so I was able to finally start talking about it. And so at the time I was engaged to my ex-husband now, but uh he was that like first person outside of therapy and outside of Miss Baker that I told, and he was obviously super upset, not at me, but at that person, and he was like, You have to tell your parents, and I was like, No, sir, no, sir. The moment I tell my parents is the moment that they're gonna call me all kinds of names, and it's gonna be my fault, and I know that this isn't my fault, and I maybe two months later, I had a situation come up that my my younger sister had this best friend that I was not a fan of, but apparently on our way home from church, where my parents are talking because her dad was my dad's accountant, and they were talking and they were like, Oh my god, did you hear that this girl is pregnant? She's telling her parents that it was because of a rape. It's probably not even because of a rape, blah, blah, blah. It's like the excuse. And I didn't like her. So for me to speak up and say, How do you know? Yeah, kind of thing. You don't know if that's the case. You don't know what happened to her. They looked back at me. I remember that we were like pulling into the our driveway, and my mom looks back and she's like, Why are you defending her of all people? You don't even like her. And I was like, Because it happened to me, I was raped. And their face like dropped, and immediately it was, oh, I know what you're trying to do. All the insults were in Spanish, so we won't necessarily have to say, but it was all like the slut, the shaming me for it. And I was like, it's not my fault, it isn't my fault. I was I didn't ask for this. And my mom apparently read something in my journal that she was like, I know that you provoked it. And I was like, Whoa, what are you even saying? Yeah, and so that became the reason that I left my house, and they said that it was because I was trying to find an excuse for me to go live with my boyfriend, and I was like, Okay, sure.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and that's actually a very common reason for sexual abuse victims to not speak up because it's always, well, what were you wearing? What were you doing? It's never about the perpetrator.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and as my 16-year-old brain, I asked myself those same questions. Was it because I was wearing something that was too short? Was it because what did I do? So I already had all this self-blame, but was going to therapy to redirect those thoughts. And they just caught me in a moment that I was just like, no, no, no, no, no. But yeah, it just those, yeah, those moments are just tough and but they have shaped me to who I am today. So I can't even like I can't be mad at it.
SPEAKER_00:I know, because I don't know if anyone's ever asked you this, but sometimes people ask me, like, if you could go back and change anything or tell yourself something, and I'm always like, I definitely would not change anything. If anything, I would go back and give myself a hug. I wouldn't say anything in terms of a warning or advice or anything because I think it needed to play out the way it did. So do you feel the same way?
SPEAKER_02:I feel exactly the same way. It's always been no, because I wouldn't be the same person, I wouldn't be me, and I like who I am, and I know that I'm a good human being. I wouldn't have changed anything that happened in the trajectory of my life because I am who I am now because of it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think some of the best people on this earth have gone through some of the worst things.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, agreed, agreed. I've met a lot of them through this podcast. It's the craziest thing. And so I yeah, I definitely have to say that it's that those moments just shape us. And as a mom myself now, you want to try to protect your babies as much as possible. And uh a therapist told me once, Mama, she's gotta make her own mistakes or he's gotta make his own mistakes. So would you change anything that you and I'm like, no, I wouldn't. I know, I know, I know, I know. And so I she was like always just focus on being the safe space that they could always come to you. And I feel like I've accomplished that, and I'm like, okay, okay, you have a good therapist.
SPEAKER_00:Because I don't think I've ever had a good traditional therapist because everything you're telling me that your therapist tells you, I'm like, that's gold.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I yeah, it just yeah, I've been through a lot of therapists and found the ones like my kids have an amazing therapist, and I have an amazing therapist. So separately, two different people, but also I've been through a lot of therapists and they have gone through their share of therapists, and not all of them have always fit our what we need, and yeah, I found two good ones. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm so impressed with your story. Do you feel like the thrill seeking is because you've like I don't know, faced death and are still here?
SPEAKER_00:No, but that's kind of part of it. And I'm glad you re brought that up because we never discussed this. So I'm actually not an adventurous person. The reason why I've gone bungee jumping and done all of those things is to intentionally get myself out of my comfort zone and learn, because you made this comment earlier. It's not about not having the fear, it's about feeling safe in your body while feeling the fear so that it doesn't hold you back. So I've intentionally done those things to train myself. So now if I'm afraid of allowing myself to be seen, I can just be like, I bungee jumped. Like this is nothing, you know what I mean? But also, because I bungee jumped before the overdose, but I've done a few things, like I went skydiving afterward, and I do because I almost died, it's like I'm not afraid of death anymore, especially when my friend made that comment, it's not your time. I believe that I do have a time, so I'm just of this mindset. Like, for instance, when I went skydiving, I was just kind of like, if this is how I die, then this is how I die. So I wasn't even afraid of it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I agree. I feel like I've gone through my own. I was always a thrill seeker though. That was, and it's not that I'm not scared of it, like I feel all the things and I do it anyway. But it's more of the like, I I've survived this far. There is some of that, like yeah, it's fine, it's totally fine. I I took my son when he last year, so he was nine nineteen, he went skydiving for the first time, and he's like, Oh my gosh, Mama's like, it's fine, it'll be fine, you'll do this, and it's like the most craziest feeling in your body, and then you're like, Oh my god, we are so tiny in this immense world. Yeah, it's the most profound. Oh, that's so cool. When you're just gliding and you see how like itty bitty you actually are.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's actually a good way to describe it because there's so many aspects to it, but yeah, it's almost like you're an observer to the world, and you're just like seeing how profound everything is.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I feel I've become more that now that that I've done a lot of work on myself. I feel like I've I am not, I used to be very much very good at being the center of attention and not because I wanted to be like seen, but that was just like I have a very extroverted personality and I like to dance and I'll be the life of the party. I'm not for any other reason except for I just like to be in a good happy mood. Yeah, and so people gravitate towards that. Great. I feel like now, years later, I'm more of I really love to observe and be more introspective about things. And I'm still the extrovert, I can still be the one that's out there on the dance floor, but I honestly love watching more than being.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know. No, I resonate with that a lot. I know what you're saying. I think yeah, I think it's just like the old, and when I say old age, I'm talking about like the spiritual and energetic, yeah. Yeah, yeah, agreed. I yeah. Although I do think we're like the same, we're probably similar chronological ages based on what a lot of you are. I'm about yeah, I'm about to be 43. Okay, I'm 45. So we're in that age great. I drove by some of your 80s references.
unknown:Coon.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I honestly, yeah, I feel like I've lived a lot, and I feel like you're on the same boat. You've lived a lot, and it's just beautiful to see things from a different perspective, and then help as many people we as we can with that.
SPEAKER_00:No, I completely agree, and that's why I totally changed careers because I realized because I was in corporate America for over 20 years, but then I realized like there are other women who are where I was, and I was like, I want to help as many people as I can.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, absolutely. So are you then solely coaching now?
SPEAKER_00:Yes, I am.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah, so I love this all so much. So if you can pick the biggest limiting belief that you had to overcome in order to get to where you are right now.
SPEAKER_00:Mine was I truly believed that I didn't deserve to be loved. And overcoming that changed my entire life.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, absolutely. Is there like a daily ritual that you do that helps you maybe be where you are right now?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, my number one thing that I do every day is, and I encourage all of my clients and just anybody in general to do this. I do at least one thing a day that brings me joy. For me, that thing is usually surfing, but if I don't have the time, I also love to dance. And most songs these days are really only three minutes long. So even if I feel like I don't have time, like I actually just did this yesterday. I just threw on a song and danced, and that just connects me to that feeling of like joy and happiness and love. And honestly, like that's who you are as a person, and so it just connects you to who you are because that love is inside of you.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. I think that we're we secretly are these kids inside that that could go to a stranger and make friends with them with no prior prejudice to anything. It's just like, hi, do you want to be my friend, mom? This is my friend, and you don't even know their names. And I feel like that energy is still within us in one way or another. And when we're when we feel that free to be able to just, I don't know, be, I feel like that comes out more.
SPEAKER_00:No, I completely agree, and that's why, and again, I call my coaching program Shine from the Inside because we're born with that light, we lose it because of society and family systems. And then I feel like a lot of messaging in the self help community is about fixing yourself or changing yourself. It's really just about coming back to that light and rekindling that light because we have lost it along the way.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I love that so much. Oh my gosh, Angie, this has been such an awesome conversation. I love talking to you. So I'm gonna put all of your information in the show notes so how people can connect with you and everything like that. So just listeners, that's there. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you so much for having me on. Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:So, listeners, like I said, everything will be in the show notes. Please, please go check Angie out. And as always, I hope you have an amazing day. Peace out. Love your life. Bye.
